Surprise! I’m not a PhD student anymore. (Probably.) This life change is emblematic of a new way I’m looking at life lately. That new philosophy is the focus of this little reflection. I like writing these reflections in order to be transparent and to \(\text{BeReal}^{TM}\) with those I love (which, if you’re reading this, probably includes you!).
I used to be obsessed with the future, and spent all my time working toward the future I thought I wanted. This involved studying my ass off for stellar grades, so that I could get into grad school and earn a PhD. I’m not even sure why I wanted that PhD – I think a big part of it was money? And, on a more subconscious level, I think I wanted to prove that I mattered. I come from a legacy of farmers who never went to college and haven’t left the same plot of land in Iowa for 150 years. Earning that degree, in the back of my mind, emblemized moving up in the world. It meant that I would matter to the world.
But you know what? I’ve finally realized that I can matter – and I do matter – without some fancy terminal degree. And, oddly enough, this discovery is related to my love of cemeteries.
It’s easy to imagine someone standing in a cemetery, surrounded by thousands of headstones, and thinking, “Life is pointless if all we end up as are bodies in the ground.” But that ain’t how I see it. You wanna know how I’ve come to see it? I see a headstone, and I remember that, once upon a time, this person mattered enough to somebody else that they got a burial and a memorial. Hell, my mother never went to college, never had an impressive job. She struggled through a hard life, and she barely made it into her forties. But if you told me that she didn’t matter much to the world, I’d knock your fucking jaw loose.
Okay, not really. Even if you’ve seen me angry, could you really imagine me punching someone?
But the point is this: it doesn’t matter if people talk about you halfway across the country. It doesn’t matter if you’ve got a Wikipedia page. What matters is having a positive influence on other people. One person, five people, a thousand people – the number is irrelevant. Being remembered and appreciated, on any scale, for anything you give, is enough.
So here’s my takeaway: accomplishments aren’t important unless you want them to be. It’d be fun to get that terminal degree and make a sky-high salary, but I’m not enjoying the path – and so I ain’t gonna force myself to stick it out. Life is too valuable not to minimize your miserable-ness! Self-discipline and responsibility are important in life, but so is enjoyment. This year, I’ve decided to let myself do what I really want to do more often, rather than always doing what’s “objectively” the better choice. I’ve made bad decisions as a result, no doubt about it. But, God willing, I might also have fewer regrets when I’m older and I look back.
That’s why I’m changing my trajectory. I’ve decided that all I want out of life is to fall in love, have a job I can enjoy, and do what I can to help a few people. No more changing the world in my future plans! I think I’m doing an okay job of helping people right now: I try my damnedest to support the folks I know in everything they do and want to do. I’m excited to see how my life and my contributions change over the next few years.
Thanks for letting me share my new philosophy with you! If you actually read all the way down here, I’ve got a mountain of appreciation for you. Text me, or DM me, the highlight of your year so far? Thanks <3