Let’s see if we can identify what funny jokes have in common.
One Million Jokes!
How did they rank?
Top 10 Jokes (#9 & #10)
Commentary
This graph shows a significant left-skewed distribution of the data.
This suggests that there is exponentially less jokes that are ranked highly.
If the dataset included one million genuine jokes written by comedians, then we might expect to see something closer to a normal distribution of ranking. However, as Reddit was the platform for the data collection of these jokes, there is a significant amount of invalid data created by users on the internet.
Fortunately, the Reddit ranking that is included in this dataset, allows us to focus on the validated entries that were ranked positively by multiple users.
#9 Joke
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion.
#10 Joke
A lost dog strays into a jungle.
A lion approaches the dog with predatory intent.
The dog sees the lion and turns to some nearby bones, saying loudly; “mmm… that was some tasty lion meat!”.
The lion abruptly stops and says “woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can”.
A meddling monkey saw everything and jumps down to tell the lion what really happened.
The furious lion roars; “get on my back, we’ll go get him together”.
The dog spots them both approaching at speed and starts to panic.
He then gets another idea and shouts “where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”
Funiest Words!
Common words in English vs Comedy
Top 10 Jokes (#7 & #8)
[1] "Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed awayRIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74"
[2] "Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment."
[3] "VV\n\n*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working\n\n"
[4] "If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morningImagine how surprised he must have been.\n\nEdit: Thank you to the Redditors that awarded this post. To everybody else Iâ\200\231m sorry I typed your instead of youâ\200\231re."
[5] "A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.\n\n\"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.\"\n\nThe recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.\n\n\"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.\"\n\nThe recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.\n\n\"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.\"\n\nThe recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.\n\n\"Hey there,\" says the recruit. \"is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!\"\n\nThe crewman says \"Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.\" "
[6] "The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.They're the Tolkien white guys.\n\nEdit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit.\n\n¯\\\\\\_(ツ)_/¯"
[7] "Ajit Pai.That's it. That's the whole fucking joke.\n\nEDIT: Removed edits, people don't like those. [](/rdcry)"
[8] "What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!"
[9] "The 2016 US Presidential ElectionThat's it. That's the entire fucking joke. \n"
[10] "Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.Hawaii **IS** the early warning system."
[11] "If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality...I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality."
[12] "Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think \"Baby it's cold outside\" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.You see, it used to get cold outside"
[13] "I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 yearsI donâ\200\231t have 2020 vision\n\nThis is the only day you can upvote this\n\nEDIT: Thank you sm for r/all ! Happy New Years!"
[14] "If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the VaticanWeâ\200\231ll take the aliens, you get the predators"
[15] "This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memoryA male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, \"Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.\" They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. \n\nSoon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, \"Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.\" At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. \"Look,\" she said, \"I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.\" \n\nEdit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas "
[16] "A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?\"Because he used to live in a brothel\" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.\n\nWhen she gets home the parrot says: \"Fuck me, a new brothel!\" The woman laughs.\n\nWhen her daughters get home the parrot says: \"Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!\" The girls laughs too.\n\nWhen the dad gets home the parrot says: \"Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!\""
[17] "Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term."
[18] "Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.\n\nEdit: Sorry."
[19] "This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for menWe're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing"
[20] "A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad......for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.\n\nDad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?"
[21] "The funniest /r/jokes has ever been"
[22] "My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday."
[23] "Why was the anti-vaxxerâ\200\230s 4 year old child crying?Midlife crisis"
[24] "Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....Like he's a Muslim or something."
[25] "The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...... United."
[26] "For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished."
[27] "North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because theyâ\200\231re brainwashed by the government and the media.When every American knows that America is the best country in the world."
[28] "I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandalElongate would be really drawn out."
[29] "So Tekashi69 could face life in prisonWhich is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence\n\nEdit: i am aware he isnt a mumble rapper"
[30] "What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.Just a hint: I didn't ask a question."
[31] "Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. \"Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke.\"\n\nSo the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.\n\nThe bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. \"Hey you two!\" he shouts. \"Stop making spectacles of yourselves!\""
[32] "Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...There would be mass confusion."
[33] "My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence."
[34] "TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather maskWhoops, wrong sub"
[35] "A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution \"this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before\".So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly \"mmm...that was some good lion meat!\". \n\nThe lion abruptly stops and says \" woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can\". \n\nOver by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily \"get on my back, we'll get him together\". \n\nSo they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts \"where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago...\"\n\nEdit: OMG my first gold! Thank you!"
[36] "What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?Church\n\nEdit: Holy shit. On the front page of reddit. Well this blew up overnight... Thanks for the golds! I really don't deserve this."
[37] "A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.They arrive at the club and the doorman says, \"Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?\"\n\nHis wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.\n\n\"Oh no,\" says Dave. \"Hes on my bowling team.\"\n\nWhen they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.\n\nHis wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,\"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?\"\n\n\"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.\"\n\nA stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says \"Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?\"\n\nDaves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.\n\nDave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.\n\nHe tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.\n\nShe is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.\n\nThe cabby turns his head and says, \"Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
[38] "My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless."
[39] "If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined."
[40] "Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim....after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.\n\n\"You see, \" Carl says \"for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components.\" Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. \n\nCarl continues: \"For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it.\"\n\nSo Jim asks, \"Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?\"\n\nCarl says \"Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers.\"\n\nJim, disgusted, says \"You have *got* to be kidding me!\"\n\nAnd Carl says \"I shit. You knot.\"\n\nEDIT: Wow. This blew up. Thanks to everyone for their kind words and thanks to those of you who gave Gold and Silver. Frankincense and Myrrh are also accepted."
[41] "\"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!\"\"Mister President, we've been over this...\""
[42] "What is Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit?It's fucking r/aww\n\n\nedit: Fucking hell this blew up overnight. Thanks, you fuckin useless sacks of yankee dankee doodle shite"
[43] "My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.I lost Interest in that relationship."
[44] "R Kelly is really changing the rap game\n\n\n\nHe takes the art out of rap artist"
[45] "The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with herI said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women"
[46] "Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?Doctor : Let me tell you a story: \"There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!\n\nGuy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..\n\nDoctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.."
[47] "Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?Because your best friend gives you space when you need it."
[48] "A man walks into a bar...The bartender asks \"Why the long face?\" \n\nThe man replies \"I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death.\" \n\nThe bartender looks shocked and says \"I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself.\" \n\nThe man asks \"Well what would you do in my situation?\"\n\nThe bartender puffs himself up a bit and says \"If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy.\"\n\nThe man jumps up from his stool and shouts \"That's a great idea! Thanks!\" and runs out of the bar.\n\nA couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.\n\n\"Did you kill the guy?\" The bartender asks nervously.\n\n\"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please.\""
[49] "[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.\n\nI decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.\n\nHere's the joke I told:\n\n\"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?\n\nThrow your washing (laundry if you're American) in.\"\n\nOne of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.\n\nObviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said \"I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?\"\n\n\"No,\" replied the guy. \"He choked on a sock.\""
[50] "Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678\n\nEdit: Holy moly! Wake up to a shiny gold. Thank you kind stranger. \n\nEdit2: I can make a whole wordlist with all the password in here ðŸ\230\201."
[51] "By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:**\"A man who lays with another man should be stoned.\"** [Leviticus 20:13 esv] \n\n\n\n\n\n\nEdit1: a typo \n\n\nEdit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger! "
[52] "My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.A solid 10, but also imaginary."
[53] "Scientist: \"My findings are meaningless if taken out of context.\"Media: Scientist claims \"Findings are meaningless.\""
[54] "What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains."
[55] "There's love without sex and there's sex without love...Then there's You, without either.\n\nHappy Valentines"
[56] "Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?A Flossiraptor"
[57] "I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.She said, \"Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights\".\n\n"
[58] "If \"womb\" is pronounced \"woom\", \"tomb\" is pronounced \"toom\" then shouldn't \"bomb\" be pronounced\"BOOM\"\n\n\n\nI hope that blew your minds\n\nEdit: Due to popular opinion \"Well, this post blew up\". And thanks to the anonymous person who gave me my first award ever!"
[59] "All countries eventually got coronavirusBut China got it right off the bat."
[60] "My favorite joke: Everyone Knows DaveDave was bragging to his boss one day, \"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.\"\n\nTired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, \"OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?\"\n\n\"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.\"\nSo Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,\n\n \"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!\"\n\nAlthough impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.\n\n\"No, no, just name anyone else,\" Dave says.\n\n\"President Obama,\" his boss quickly retorts.\n\n\"Yup,\" Dave says, \"Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington,\" and off they go. \n\nAt the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, \"Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up.\"\n\nWell, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.\nAfter they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.\n\n\"Pope Francis,\" his boss replies.\n\n\"Sure!\" says Dave. \"I've known the Pope for years.\" So off they fly to Rome.\n\nDave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, \"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.\"\nHe disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.\n\nSure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.\n\nMaking his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, \"What happened?\"\n\nHis boss looks up and says, \"It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'"
[61] "As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isnâ\200\231t* something trying to kill you...â\200œSchoolâ\200\235 is my answer "
[62] "My favourite sex position is called \"WOW\" ...It's where I flip your MOM over"
[63] "I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.I told her we use names here."
[64] "Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.\n\nSam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.\n\nAnd on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note... \n\nAnd the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.\n\nAnd on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.\n\nSuddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.\n\nThe townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.\n\nThe mayor approached the lead monk of the order. \"What happened?\" he asked, exasperated.\n\nThe old monk shook his head sadly. \"Isn't it obvious?\" he said. \"Sam sung Note 7.\"\n\n\n\n\n\n- EDIT - Wow, I came back and this really blew up! Thanks so much for the kind comments, and upvotes, and gold. I'm so glad I could give so many people a chuckle today! "
[65] "Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?Because Ubisoft is in France."
[66] "[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.\n\nI decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.\n\nHere's the joke I told:\n\n\"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?\n\nThrow your washing (laundry if you're American) in.\"\n\nOne of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.\n\nObviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said \"I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?\"\n\n\"No,\" replied the guy. \"He choked on a sock.\""
[67] "As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: \"5 lamb chops, please.\"As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: \"5 lamb chops, please.\"\nAmazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.\nHe follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and\ntrot across the road to a bus-stop.\nThe dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.\nWhen a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.\nThe butcher follows, dumbstruck.\nAs the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.\nAfter awhile he stands on his back paws to push the \"stop\" bell,\nthen the butcher follows him off.\nThe dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.\nHe goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.\nHe does this again and again. No answer.\nSo he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window,\njumps off, and waits at the front door.\nA big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.\nThe butcher runs up and screams at the guy: \"What the hell are you doing?\nThis dog's a genius!\"\nThe owner responds, \"Genius, my ass.........\nIt's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!\""
[68] "A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag upSo, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.\n\nA few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day.\n\nThe next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter.\n\n*Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong.*\n\nThe door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb.\n\nâ\200œPardon me, sir,â\200\235 the mailman says, â\200œbut you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, itâ\200\231s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.â\200\235\n\nâ\200œAh, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so againâ\200\235 replies the Buddhist monk.\n\nâ\200œBut sir,â\200\235 says mailman, â\200œyou will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.â\200\235\n\nâ\200œBut that is my intention, dear man,â\200\235 replies the Buddhist monk. â\200œYou see, reposting is the best way to get karma.â\200\235\n\n"
[69] "A single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TBThat's a lot of information to swallow\n\n\n-wow thanks for the upvotes and gold "
[70] "A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.The fairy says \"I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day.\"\n\nThe professor says \"I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?\" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.\n\nThe C.E.O says \"I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze\" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.\n\nThe janitor says \"I'll be an artist\" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.\n\nThe janitor says \"I got a masters degree in art.\"\n\nEdit: Thank you for the silver, gold, and platinum! "
[71] "Christmas joke (NSFW)A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says \"I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean\" \n\nClerk: \"How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack.\" The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: \"you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.\"\n\nChristmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: \"if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you.\" the young man replies \"if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come.\"\n"
[72] "In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.Those damn moose limbs."
[73] "An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a barThe first mathematician orders a beer\n\nThe second orders half a beer\n\n\"I don't serve half-beers\" the bartender replies\n\n\"Excuse me?\" Asks mathematician #2\n\n\"What kind of bar serves half-beers?\" The bartender remarks. \"That's ridiculous.\"\n\n\"Oh c'mon\" says mathematician #1 \"do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along\"\n\n\"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to.\"\n\n\"But that's not a problem\" mathematician #3 chimes in \"at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-\"\n\n\"I know how limits work\" interjects the bartender\n\n\"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics\"\n\n\"Are you kidding me?\" The bartender replies, \"you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?\"\n\n\"HE'S ON TO US\" mathematician #1 screeches\n\nSimultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.\n\nThe mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. \"FOOLS\" it booms in unison, \"I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA\"\n\nThe bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. \"But wait\" he inturrupts, thinking fast, \"if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!\"\n\nThe mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. \"My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!\" and with that, they vanish.\n\nA nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. \"How did you know that that would work?\"\n\n\"It's simple really\" the bartender says. \"I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative.\""
[74] "Three conspiracy theorists walk into a barYou can't tell me that's just a coincidence ."
[75] "A feminist told me about the \"Dwayne Johnson Rule.\"The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.\n\nI thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:\n\n\"Your chest is fucking epic.\""
[76] "My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write onI don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand."
[77] "How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?\nOne to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up."
[78] "Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning. \n\nEdit: Yes, yes MILLIONS. I wasn't sure if those sources were true or not when I posted. \n\nAlso, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real* internet. "
[79] "If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.Noble gases should have no reaction."
[80] "Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wallOn the condition he gets to install windows.\n\n\n"
[81] "A man in an interrogation room says â\200œIâ\200\231m not saying a word without my lawyer present.â\200\235Cop: You are the lawyer. \n\nLawyer: Exactly, so whereâ\200\231s my present?"
[82] "A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.The man says, \"Who would ever miss the World Cup final?â\200\235\n\nThe guy replies, \"Well that was my wifeâ\200\231s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.â\200\235\n\nThe man says back, \"Thatâ\200\231s terrible, but couldnâ\200\231t you get another close family member to come with you?â\200\235\n\nThe guy says, \"No. They're all at the funeral.\""
[83] "Trump should not have said \"shit-hole countries\".The correct term is \"turd-world countries\"."
[84] "If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.I'd be like: \"Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?\""
[85] "NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?\" she exclaimed. \n\nThe daughter replied, \"I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.\"\n\nLater that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. \nWhen he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. \n\n\"What are you doing?\" he exclaimed.\n\nThe daughter replied, \"I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.\"\n\nA couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. \nIn there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.\n\n\"What are you doing?\" she exclaimed. \n\nHe replied............\"Watching the game with my son-in-law.\""
[86] "My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5."
[87] "The husband leans over and asks his wife\"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.\"\n\nYes, she says, \"I remember it well.\"\n\nOK, he says, \"How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?\"\n\n\"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!\"\n\nA police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.\n\nThe elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. \n\nThen suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.\n\nThe policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.\n\nAfter about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. \n\nThe policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.\n\nSo, as the couple passes, he says to them, \"Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?\"\n\nShaking, the old man is barely able to reply,\n\n\"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.\""
[88] "Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, \"Just for that you don't get any butter for a month.\"Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, \"Nice try.\""
[89] "Iâ\200\231ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.I just came to that realization."
[90] "If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...They become VERY ANGRY."
[91] "Many people are surprised by the engagement of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, but not me.If I founded reddit I'd be searching for better servers too."
[92] "Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.\"Tarzan not know what is sex\" he replied.\n\nJane then explained to him what sex was.\n\nTarzan said ....\"Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.\"\n\nStunned by his response, Jane said: \"Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly.\"\n\nShe took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.\n\n\"Here\" she said, pointing to her privates,\"you must put it in here.\"\n\nTarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.\n\nJane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.\n\nEventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: \"What the bloody hell did you do that for?\n\n\"Check for squirrel.\" he responds"
[93] "Why will the congress never impeach Trump?Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term."
[94] "As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isnâ\200\231t* something trying to kill you...â\200œSchoolâ\200\235 is my answer"
[95] "Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.\n\nEDIT: epic"
[96] "A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.\n\nThe flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, \"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.\"Â \n\nThe Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, \"Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice.\""
[97] "A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, \"I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.â\200\235Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.\n\nAfter a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.\n\nShe could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.\n\nAfter a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. \n\n\"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.\n\nI love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like.\"\n\nHe hung up, grabbed his keys and left.\n\nShe heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.\n\nSeething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...\n\n\"I can see your feet.\n\nWe're outta bread: be back in five minutes."
[98] "Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?Because itâ\200\231s always too soon.\n\n\n\n^(i feel bad)"
[99] "My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today. A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.\n\nHe kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.\n\nThe penguin says, \"Have you had time to look at my engine?\"\n\nThe mechanic says, \"Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal.\"\n\nThe penguin says, \"No, that's just ice cream.\"\n\n\nEdit: Thanks to the kind strangers who gave me awards, and I'm glad that so many people got a chuckle."
[100] "Joke I heard from a 99 year old Holocaust survivorA Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, \"I guess you had to be there to understand\"."
[101] "Don't Read If You're A Trump SupporterA Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, â\200œI want to be President one day.â\200\235\nTrump says, â\200œAre you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?â\200\235\n\nThe kid replies, â\200œYou know what, Iâ\200\231ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.â\200\235"
[102] "Donald J. Trump has been impeachedFinally, something he's earned"
[103] "Why is every gender equality officer female?Because it is cheaper."
[104] "Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'. Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.\n\nEddit: Leddit be heard, thank you for the silver! As for your platinum and gold, spreddit, you wonâ\200\231t regreddit!"
[105] "They're going to have to change the name of the U.S Virgin IslandsThey're about to get fucked "
[106] "â\200œHey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?â\200\235â\200œNo son, have you seen my dad glasses?â\200\235"
[107] "\"Mom, I'm dating a man.\"\"Whom, sweetheart?\"\n\n\"Mike the mailman.\"\n\n\"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!\"\n\n\"But mom, age is just a number.\"\n\n\"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.\"\n\n​\n\nEDIT: Thanks for the gold!"
[108] "CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHEâ\200\231S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.\n\nEDIT: THANK YOU FOR THE GOLD MATE\n"
[109] "This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.Heâ\200\231s explaining Facebook to old people. "
[110] "Why will congress never impeach Trump?Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term."
[111] "My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customerWait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter."
[112] "Have you seen r/tifu recently.Theyâ\200\231re fucking nuts. \n\n"
[113] "A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husbandâ\200\231s key in the door. â\200œStay where you are,â\200\235 she said. â\200œHeâ\200\231s so drunk he wonâ\200\231t even notice youâ\200\231re in bed with me.â\200\235the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.\n\nHe turned to his wife: â\200œHey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. Whatâ\200\231s going on?â\200\235\n\nâ\200œYouâ\200\231re so drunk you miscounted,â\200\235 said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.\n\nThe husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, youâ\200\231re right."
[114] "I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.She said, \"Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights\".\n"
[115] "Dads are like boomerangs.I hope."
[116] "A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.\n\n\"How much for a hand-job?\"\n\n\"5,000$\" she replies.\n\n\"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way.\" \n\n\"Walk with me.\" She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. \"You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs.\"\n\nHe ponders for a moment. \"Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright.\" He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. \"Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?\"\n\n\"15,000$\" she replies.\n\n\"15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!\" He shouts\n\n\"Come to the window.\" They walk to the window and she begins to point. \"You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs.\"\n\n\"Fine, how can i say no?\"\n\nOnce again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. \"Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?\"\n\n\"Come to the window.\" He follows her to the window, ready for anything. \"Do you see all of Las Vegas?\" She asks.\n\n\"No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!\" He exclaims, astounded.\n\n\"No..\" she looks down. \" But I would if I had a pussy...\""
[117] "A man accepts a job in a village with no womenOnce there, he asks a local:\n\n\\-There is really no women here?\n\n\\-None.\n\n\\-So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?\n\n\\-There is a donkey close to the river for that.\n\nThe man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the donkey with them, he accepts. When he is close to the donkey, the man puts down his pants and one of the other locals yells:\n\n\\-What you doing!?\n\n\\-Aren't we...? Going to do the donkey thing?\n\n\\-We going to ride the donkey across the river so we can get to the other village where we can meet women.\n\nEDIT: That's the first time I ever got gold, thank you!"
[118] "Son: \"Mom, Dad, I'm gay.\"Mom: *Stares at Dad*\n\nDad: *Clenches fist*\n\nMom: \"Don't!\"\n\nDad: *Sweats Profusely*\n\nMom: \"...\"\n\nDad: \"HI GAY, I'M DAD\"\n"
[119] "Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour."
[120] "TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just onceWhoops, wrong sub"
[121] "I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didnâ\200\231t show.I hope she gets the message that weâ\200\231re not working out."
[122] "NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.Christmas was coming and Little Johnnyâ\200\231s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.\n\nJohnny walked up and sat on Santaâ\200\231s lap and said â\200œSanta, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.â\200\235\n\nSanta, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnnyâ\200\231s parents aside and said â\200œIn all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.â\200\235\n\nHis parents replied â\200œWe know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. Weâ\200\231ve tried everything.â\200\235\n\nSanta thought about it and said â\200œHereâ\200\231s what weâ\200\231ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, weâ\200\231ll put a pile of dog poop.â\200\235 The parents agreed to try Santaâ\200\231s plan.\n\nOn Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath.\n\nFinding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. \n\nFinding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop.\n\nJohnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically â\200œSo Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?â\200\235\n\nWithout missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said â\200œI think I got a god damned dog, but I canâ\200\231t find the motherfucker!â\200\235\n\n\nEdit: My Dad would have been unbelievably happy at how many people got a chuckle out of this. Thank you Reddit!"
[123] "If having sex for money makes you a whore...Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?"
[124] "Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son. \n\nThey happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, \"What are these, Dad?\"\n\nTo which the man matter-of-factly replies, \"Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.\"\n\n\"Oh I see,\" replied the boy pensively. \"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.\" \n\nHe looks over the display and picks up a package of \n3 and asks, \"Why are there 3 in this package?\"\n\nThe dad replies, \"Those are for high school boys, one\nFor Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.\"\n\n\"Cool\" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, \"Then who are these for?\"\n\n\"Those are for college men,\" the dad answers, \"two\nFor Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.\"\n\n\"WOW!\" exclaimed the boy, \"then who uses THESE?\" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies. \n\n\"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March...\""
[125] "Three friends bragged about who has more sex....Friend A said \"You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women\" \n\nFriend B said \"Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women.\" \n\nFriend C said, \"I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke.\" "
[126] "My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry...Why did the chicken cross the road?\n\nCause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt\n\n​\n\nHe doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy"
[127] "The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endingsBut itâ\200\231s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.\n\n\n\n\n\n"
[128] "My boss: â\200œYouâ\200\231re fired.â\200\235Me: *turns in gun and badge*\n\n\n\nMy boss: â\200œYouâ\200\231re a waiter where did you get thoseâ\200\235"
[129] "An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says â\200œcould you pass the honey, honey?â\200\235 The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says â\200œcould you pass the sugar, sugar?â\200\235 The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says â\200œCould you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?â\200\235"
[130] "My wife left me because I'm too insecure.No wait, she's back.\n\nShe just went to make a cup of tea."
[131] "A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.\n\nThe optician showed him a card with the letters\n\n'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'\n\n'Can you read this?' the optician asked.\n\n'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'\n\nedit: FUCKYEAH tnx for the upvotes, kind strangers"
[132] "Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driverCan't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it..."
[133] "My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sinkNo one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre"
[134] "An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, \"Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth.\" Reflecting, the man says, \"I'll take the wisdom\"\"Wisdom is yours,\" says the angel, disappearing in another puff.\nThe smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, \"I should have taken the money.\""
[135] "My girlfriend said, \"You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.\"\"Good idea,\" I replied. \"We can cover more ground that way.\""
[136] "I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have? \n\nMe: Two. You have two, son.\n\nSon: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here! \n\n\n\nThe student has become the teacher."
[137] "Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.\n\nJust look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them."
[138] "What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.\n\nEdit: Thanks for the gold (career first) :0"
[139] "I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer â\200œSmokingâ\200\235 or â\200œNon-smokingâ\200\235.​\n\nApparently the correct terms are â\200œCremationâ\200\235 and â\200œBurialâ\200\235."
[140] "Me: What's the wifi password?Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.\n\nMe: Okay, I'll have a coke.\n\nBartender: Is Pepsi okay?\n\nMe: Sure. How much is that?\n\nBartender: $3.\n\nMe: There you go. So what's the wifi password?\n\nBartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase."
[141] "As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and saidY'know, one would have been enough."
[142] "Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroomWhen she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband \"what do we do?\" \n\nHusband says \"I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him.\""
[143] "My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worryI'll return."
[144] "â\200œSon In Iraq I killed 15 people.â\200\235Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic\n\nDad:Never said I was a good one"
[145] "'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.''But I never went to college.'\n'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'"
[146] "I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.\n\nEdit:*Wow thanks for the gold"
[147] "CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS JUNK. HE IS OFFERING UP AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 8 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON."
[148] "A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/secI know, that's a lot of information to swallow.\nEdit: Thanks for the gold! It's my first one ever!"
[149] "What's the difference between EA and my uncle?My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me."
[150] "Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood forHe said 'Genius'"
[151] "How do you milk sheep?Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it."
[152] "A young boy says to his father \"Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you.\"\"What happened?\" The father asks. \n\n\"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'\n\n\"Indeed, what is the difference?\" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''\n\nThe next day, the boy comes home from school and says, \"Dad, have you gone by the school?\" \n\n\"Not yet.\"\n\n\n\"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.\"\n\n\"Why?\" asks the father.\n\n\"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'\"\n\n\"Exactly,\" says the father. \"Alright, I'll come.\"\n\nThe next day, the boy asks his father \"Did you go to the school?\" \"No, not yet.\"\n\n\"Don't bother, I got expelled.\"\n\nSurprised, the father asks \"Why did you get expelled?\"\n\n\"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.\"\n\n\"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?\" asks the father.\n\n\"That's what I said!\""
[153] "My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!In the end, he came around."
[154] "I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic.....I was in Daniel."
[155] "Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.She said \"Fuck you\".\n\nSo I'm pretty excited for 2019."
[156] "I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?\n\nThrow in your laundry. \n\nThe guy behind us leaned over and said \"I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit.\" \n\nWe both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, \"he choked on a sock.\""
[157] "I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%/r/Jokes"
[158] "I started a new job. My boss said \"Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky\". I said \"My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick\".She said \"how do you get Dick from Kyle?\"\nI replied \"you just ask nicely\". \n\n\n\nEdit: Also, I'm looking for another job :( "
[159] "Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will."
[160] "I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numeralsI M LIVID"
[161] "Hitler, Salin, and EA were having a debate\"Who amongst us is the most hated?\" Hitler asked \n\nStalin said \"It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!\"\n\nEA says \"NONSENSE! I've ruined dozens of game franchises. I am the most hated!\"\n\nHitler said \"Why don't we hold a vote in hell and see who is the most hated of all?\"\n\nThe group agreed and Hitler left to go make the vote. After counting the ballots, Hitler returns and asks:\n\n\"Who the fuck is Ajit Pai!?\"\n\n*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*\n\n\nEDIT: I spell things poorly. \n\nEDIT 2: I made the front page, and was guilded! Thanks guys! I hope my joke made your day just a little better."
[162] "Virginity in schoolSon to mother: \"Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin.\"\n\nMother: \"Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop.\""
[163] "A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.\n\n\"Quiero calcetines,\" said the man.\n\n\"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here,\" said the salesgirl.\n\n\"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines,\" said the man.\n\n\"Well, these shirts are on sale this week,\" declared the salesgirl.\n\n\"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines,\" repeated the man.\n\n\"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack,\" offered the salesgirl.\n\n\"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines,\" insisted the man.\n\n\"These sweaters are top quality,\" the salesgirl probed.\n\n\"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines,\" said the man.\n\n\"Our undershirts are over here,\" fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.\n\n\"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines,\" the man repeated.\n\nAs they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, \"Eso sà que es!\"\n\n\"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!\" yelled the salesgirl.\n\nedit: [credit for the joke](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8c9cmw/a_mexican_man_who_spoke_no_english_went_into_a/)"
[164] "TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autisticBecause they are more likely to be dead\n\nEDIT: Wow. Now I understand RIP inbox."
[165] "An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two monthsVery worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, \"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!\" \n\nThe girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: \"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.\" \n\n\"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.\" \"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?\"\n\n\nAt this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, \"You fuck her again.\""
[166] "Husband doing crossword with his wifeHusband: Emphatic no, five letters.\n\nWife: Never\n\nH: Pistol, 3 letters.\n\nW: Gun\n\nH: Disgust, 3 letters.\n\nW: Ugh\n\nH: Charity, 4 letters.\n\nW: Give\n\nH: Female sheep, 3 letters\n\nW: Ewe\n\nH: Pixar movie, 2 letters\n\nW: Up"
[167] "99.9% of people are idiots.Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people"
[168] "Pun enters a room, kills 10 peoplePun in, 10 dead"
[169] "I really hope coronavirus can't spread through sexIt would be so lonely being the last man on Earth."
[170] "I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough.Turns out my parents weren't even related."
[171] "What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system."
[172] "Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar...I donâ\200\231t remember the rest."
[173] "Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is todayUnemployed with two kids and recently evicted "
[174] "What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?Diabetes.\n\nWhat?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?\n\n^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke"
[175] "How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?Take your foot off his head.\n\n\n** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me\nthey found this offensive. I reread it and I\nagree. Here is the updated version of the\njoke:\n\n\nQ. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from\ndrowning?\n\n\nA. Take your foot off his or her head.\n\n\nAgain, I apologize to any feminists out\nthere for my originally posted version."
[176] "Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.\n\nThe Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.\n\nHowever, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.\n\nOn the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other\n\nThe Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.\n\nThe Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.\n\nNext, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.\n\nThe Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.\n\nThe Rabbi pulled out an apple.\n\nWith that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!\n\nLater the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'\n\nMeanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'"
[177] "Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice...Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember. \n\nBecause elephants never forget"
[178] "Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.\n\nOne day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacherâ\200\231s snare. The two young men, sympathetic to a creature in need, approached the crocodile and released it from the trap.\n\nOnce freed, the crocodile transformed into a wispy, glowing fairy! â\200œThank you, young menâ\200\235 said the fairy, â\200œYour hearts are truly selfless, and I will grant each of you one wish. What are your names?â\200\235\n\nâ\200œThis is my friend Set, and you can call me â\200\230Epâ\200\231â\200\235, said Amenhotep.\n\nâ\200œVery well, Epâ\200\235 said the fairy â\200œWhat is the desire of your heart?â\200\235\n\nâ\200œI wish I was the strongest man in the world!â\200\235 Amenhotep wished. \n\nâ\200œVery wellâ\200\235, said the fairy, â\200œbut you must always use your strength to help others.â\200\235 Smoke gathered around Amenhotep, and when the smoke cleared Ep was 7 foot six and rippling with muscles. \n\nThe fairy turned to Set â\200œAnd what is your wish, Set?â\200\235\nSet responded â\200œI never want to be poor again! I wish for money!â\200\235\n\nâ\200œVery well,â\200\235 said the fairy. Smoke gathered in front of the two of them, and when the smoke cleared a small elf remained, bowing to the two boys. â\200œGreetings, sirs! My name is Elmon, and I am here to serve!â\200\235\n\nâ\200œElmon is an expert in all things money,â\200\235 said the fairy, â\200œHe will help you make wise decisions and turn any business profitable, but will only help you so long as he is only asked to do good for your fellow man.â\200\235\n\nAmenhotep and Set were inseparable. True to his word, Amenhotep used his great strength to build many houses for people in need. Set helped, as well, but his comparatively small size next to the now massive Amenhotep earned him the nickname â\200œImpâ\200\235. With Elmonâ\200\231s financial savvy, the two started a non-profit dedicated to building houses for the less fortunate, and Elmon kept all their paperwork in perfect order. \n\nYears passed, and the two lived very fulfilling lives helping the homeless. Amenhotep met a girl while building houses and the two got married and had a beautiful baby boy, Josep. \n\nEp and Setâ\200\231s business expanded globally. 15 years passed and Amenhotep grew kinder and more generous, giving to people in need at any of the places he went to build houses. Set built a campus in Cairo for the headquarters of their business, and directed global efforts. Over the years, Set lost touch with the people he was helping, and became more focused on business expansion and money of the business. \n\nAs all fathers do, Amenhotep wanted his son to eventually take over the business and help the next generation of needful people find purpose in their lives. He sent Josep to the the HQ in Cairo to learn business from Set. Once there, Josep was surprised to find that much of the financial success was due in large part to the financial savvy of Elmon, the elf.\n\nJosep spent months at HQ learning how to run the business. While there, Set decided that it was time to expand the company into a more profitable venture. Instead of building houses for the needy, he drafted up a plan to buy up land around urban areas and construct rental properties at expensive prices while preventing construction of new, affordable housing. He sent Josep with the proposal to Elmon to determine the financial logistics.\n\nUpon reading the proposal and its ill-natureâ\200\231s effect on Setâ\200\231s fellow man, Elmon keeled over and died, instantly.\n\nJosep was shocked, and ran to alert Set right away, who wailed in dismay at the loss of his financial mastermind. In a rage, he accused Josep of killing Elmon, and sent the teenager to jail.\n\nAmenhotep, hearing of the distress, caught the first flight back to Cairo to find himself neck-deep in a legal battle between him and his old friend.\n\nWithout the financial and legal savvy of Elmon, Setâ\200\231s case was a mess. Amenhotep, distraught, tried to reason with his childhood friend. â\200œCome, Imp, release my boy and call off the lawsuit. Letâ\200\231s use our energy to help those in need and not further what we both know is a fruitless path.â\200\235\n\nSet refused, furiously gathering circumstantial evidence to bring to the court to frame Josep for Elmonâ\200\231s murder.\n\nThe case was brought before the court, but Setâ\200\231s claims were weak and unsupported. The judge, thoroughly disgusted with the lack of evidence from the prosecution, dismissed the case outright.\n\nObviously, Epâ\200\231s teen didnâ\200\231t kill Impâ\200\231s elf."
[179] "Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,and name it ElonGates."
[180] "President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country roadPresident Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.\n\nTrump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.\n\n\"What happened to you?\" asked Trump\n\n\"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.\"\n\n\"My God, what did you tell them?\" asks Trump.\n\nThe driver replies, \"I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig.\""
[181] "While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.\n\nShe asked a stock boy, \"Do these turkeys get any bigger?\"\n\nThe stock boy replied, \"No ma'am, theyâ\200\231re dead.\""
[182] "My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.So I took down his confederate flag."
[183] "Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.Apparently only DC movies can do that. "
[184] "I called my wife at work and asked, \"Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?\" Sounding concerned, she said, \"No.\"\n\nI responded, \"How about now?\""
[185] "There was this tramp.One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.\n\nWithout a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down.\n\nCoincidentally the father drives up. \"How can I ever thank you sir?\" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. \"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man.\"\n\n\"Ah, well...\" stammers the tramp, \"... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out.\"\n\n\"Oh dear,\" says the father, \"I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe.\"\n\n\"No! No!\" says the tramp, \"Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty.\"\n\n\"Ten pounds,\" thinks the tramp, \"I'm rich! I'm rich!\" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday.\n\nHe finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. \"I'll have one holiday please!\"\n\n\"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?\" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.\n\n\"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds,\" replies the tramp.\n\n\"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds,\" says the girl incredulously.\n\nShe goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.\n\n\"Well you'll never believe it,\" she says to the tramp, back in the shop. \"I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds.\"\n\n\"Yippee!\" exclaims the tramp, \"I'll take it!\"\n\nA few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.\n\n\"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!\" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.\n\n\"But I've got my ticket!\", responds the tramp, \"super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!\"\n\n\"Well okay,\" says the captain, \"but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then.\"\n\nSo the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.\n\n\"Psst,\" says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.\n\n\"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin.\"\n\nThe tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!\n\nFirst they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6\" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.\n\nThen the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3\" deep, and so on...\n\n3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.\n\n\"Sheer luxury!\" exclaimed the tramp, \"A room of my very own.\"\n\n\"I'm glad you like it,\" replies the captain, \"but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise.\"\n\nWell the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...\n\nThen one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.\n\nHe climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived...\n\n... and what a dive...!\n\nPerfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.\n\nNow unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.\n\n\"That was amazing!\" exclaimed the captain, \"Where did you learn to dive like that?\"\n\n\"Um, well I've never actually dived before,\" replied the tramp.\n\n\"Well that's incredible!\" says the captain, \"I've never seen...\" He broke off. \"Hey, I've got an idea\", he started again. \"How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!\"\n\n\"It's a deal!\" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.\n\nThen one morning the captain comes to talk. \"Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you.\"\n\n\"Okay,\" agreed the tramp.\n\nTwo days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.\n\n\"Well, tramp,\" said the captain, shaking his hand, \"Let's see what you can do.\" And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb...\n\nup and up...\n\nbelow him the ship grew smaller...\n\non and on...\n\npast a solitary albatross...\n\nand still higher...\n\ntill the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...\n\nand on still further...\n\n/ till the ocean grew dim...\n\nand the earth itself...\n\nbegan to shrink...\n\npast our moon...\n\nand on...\n\nand Mars...\n\nand on...\n\nhigher, and higher...\n\nthrough the asteroid belt...\n\nand on and on towards the diving board...\n\npast the outer planets, until...\n\non the outermost reaches of the Solar System...\n\nhe reached the board.\n\nHe climbed on top and radioed the captain...\n\nand then...\n\n.' '.\n. .\n. .\nhe jumped.\n.\n.\n.\n.\n:\nSlowly at first,\n:\nbut speeding up,\n:\n:\n:\nfaster, and faster,\n:\nspeeding past Pluto,\n:\nand the other outer planets,\n.\n.\n.\n.\n.\n\n.\n\n.\n\n.\n\n.\n\n\nthrough the asteroid belt,\n\npast Mars,\n\nand the moon,\n\nfaster,\n\nand faster,\n\nfaster - ever faster,\n\nand by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear,\n\nfaster, and faster,\n\npast the albatross,\n\ndouble-back somersault,\n\nand he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,\n\nhurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,\n\nDown on the ship the crew strained their necks,\n\n\"I CAN SEE HIM!\" yelled a passenger, \"LOOK!!!\"\n\nThe tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...\n\nNOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!\n\nDOWN THROUGH THE WATER!\n\nSMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!\n\nDOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!\n\nSMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!\n\nDOWN!\n\nDOWN!\n\nTHROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!\n\nTHROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!\n\nSMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!\n\nAND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!\n\nSTILL DOWN...!\n\nDEEPER,\n\nDEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,\n\nTILL.........\n\nSMASH!\n\nInto the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.\n\nDesperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.\n\nUp and up, desperate, gasping...\n\nOut of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.\n\n\"HERO!\" \"WONDERFUL!\" \"AMAZING!\" \"GOOD SHOW THAT!\"\n\nAnd handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.\n\n\"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen.\"\n\nThe tramp blushed.\n\nThe captain went on, \"but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it.\"\n\nAnd the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: \"Well you see...\n\n\"For me to tell you, I'll need $49.95\"\n\nThe captain outrageously asked why.\n\nThe tramp said \n\n\"The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different heroes, As for cost, we selected initial values based upon data from the Open Beta and other adjustments made to milestone rewards before launch. Among other things, weâ\200\231re looking at average per-player credit earn rates on a daily basis, and weâ\200\231ll be making constant adjustments to ensure that players have challenges that are compelling, rewarding, and of course attainable via gameplay.\n\nWe appreciate the candid feedback, and the passion the community has put forth around the current topics here on Reddit, our forums and across numerous social media outlets.\n\nOur team will continue to make changes and monitor community feedback and update everyone as soon and as often as we can.\"\n\n"
[186] "Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50Getting home to find theyâ\200\231ve forgotten one of your dishes.\n\nRiceless."
[187] "Handjobs [nsfw] \n\nA man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:\n\n\"Cheeseburgers: $5\n\nFries: $3\n\nHandjobs: $10.\"\n\nHe walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, \"Are you the one that gives the handjobs?\"\n\n\"Yes, I am,\" she replies seductively.\n\n\"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.\""
[188] "If you rearrange the letters of MAILMENyou get them VERY ANGRY"
[189] "A gorilla walks into a barA gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, \"What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink.\" So he mixes the martini. \nHe then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. \n\nSo, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, \"Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything.\" \n\nSo he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. \n\n\"You know,\" he says to the gorilla, \"we don't get too many gorillas in here.\" \n\nAnd the gorilla says, \"At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised.\""
[190] "Why is Peter Pan always flying?He neverlands \n\nYou really should upvote this joke because it never gets old "
[191] "Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was.She said \"fuck you\". So i'm pretty excited about 2017."
[192] "PETA is like a box of chocolatesThey kill dogs"
[193] "Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious."
[194] "Why are there two â\200œdâ\200\235s in â\200œRedditâ\200\235?The second oneâ\200\231s a repost."
[195] "Whatâ\200\231s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?The letter F."
[196] "An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. \n\nOn one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.\n\nThe old lady thinks, â\200œI bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.â\200\235\n\nThe blonde thinks, â\200œI bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.â\200\235\n\nThe Frenchman thinks, â\200œI bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.â\200\235\n\nThe Englishman thinks, â\200œI canâ\200\231t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.â\200\235\n\n"
[197] "If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Holeyou clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation"
[198] "My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence"
[199] "I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.\n\nIt was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, \"You may now kiss the bride\", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.\n\nLater during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.\n\nAs we passed, they all said in unison, \"You may now kiss the bride!\" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.\n\nAs we walked away I asked, \"Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?\"\n\nMy wife answered,\n\n\"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!\""
[200] "We should've known communism would fail.There were a lot of red flags."
[201] "I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table. "
[202] "One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.\n\"I don't know what to do here,\" says the devil.\" You're on my list, but I have no room for you.\n\nYou definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.\n\nI'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.\"\n\nDonald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.\n\nIn it was Barack Obama and a large pool of water. Barack kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.\n\n\"No,\" Donald said. \"I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair.\nI don't think I could do that all day long.\"\n\nThe devil led him to the door of the next room.\nIn it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.\nAll he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.\n\"No, this is no good; I've got his problem with my shoulder.\nI would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,\" commented Donald.\n\nThe devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.\n\n\nDonald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, \"Yeah man, I can handle this.\"\n\n\nThe devil smiled and said..........\n\n\"OK, Monica, you're free to go.\""
[203] "A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?A chicken."
[204] "My wife left me because Iâ\200\231m insecure and paranoid.Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail."
[205] "The son went to his dad and asked him, \"Dad, what's an alcoholic?\"So the dad replied, \"Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight.\"\n\nThe son replied, \"But Dad, I only see two.\""
[206] "A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix itSo he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.\n\nHe is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.\n\nSure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.\n\nAbout an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.\n\nThe man then starts talking to the monk, \"It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?\" he asked\n\nthe monk replied \"Religious reasons.\"\n\nThe man then says \"I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?\"\n\n\"Because\" the monk replied, \"You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting.\"\n"
[207] "The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week."
[208] "Gay Couple on a PlaneA gay couple (Jeremiah and Timothy) is traveling on a plane. \n\n\"What if we had sex?\" asks Jeremiah.\n\n\"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it...\"\n\n\"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!\"\n\nJeremiah stands up and asks loudly:\n\n\"Could I have a napkin, please?\"\n\nNobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn.\n\n\"They really wouldn't care then, would they?\" says Timothy.\n\nSo Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane.\n\nLater, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.\n\n\"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!\"\n\n\"I didn't dare\" whispers the old man. \"A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass...\""
[209] "Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!I mean, you've got to give them credit."
[210] "As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetterâ\200¦I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.\n\nI thought to myself, \"I really need a new fucking boat.\""
[211] "Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.I will be in my Lab if you need me."
[212] "Without the Arabs we wouldnâ\200\231t have 9/11.We would have IX/XI instead"
[213] "Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate HalloweenI guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door."
[214] "When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zonedOr she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet"
[215] "A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, \"I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?\" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spotâ\200¦Finally, one man says, \"Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.\"\n\nHe figures the early tee-time will discourage her.\n\nThe woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.\n\nThey roll their eyes, but say, \"Okay.\"\n\nShe's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.\n\nShe's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.\n\nThey congratulate her and invite her back the next week.\n\nShe smiles, and says, \"I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.\"\n\nThe next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.\n\nOnly this time, she plays left-handed.\n\nThe three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.\n\nThey're totally amazed.\n\nThey can't figure her out.\n\nShe's very pleasant and a gracious winner.\n\nThey invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.\n\nThe third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.\n\nThis week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.\n\nThe men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.\n\nHowever, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.\n\nThis woman is a riddle no one can figure out.\n\nThey have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, \"How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?\"\n\nThe lady blushes, and grins. \"When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous.\" she replies. \"I like to switch back and forth.\"\n\n\"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.\"\n\nThe guys think this is hysterical.\n\nAstonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, \"What if it's pointing straight up?\"\n\nShe says, \"Then, I'm fifteen minutes late.\""
[216] "Why won't the Republicans impeach Trump?Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term"
[217] "A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door\"Hurry!\" she said, \"stand in the corner.\" She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. \"Don't move until I tell you to,\" she whispered. \"Just pretend you're a statue.\"\n\n\"What's this, honey?\" the husband inquired as he entered the room.\n\n\"Oh, it's just a statue,\" she replied nonchalantly. \"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.\" \n\nNo more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.\nAround two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.\n\n\"Here,\" he said to the 'statue', \"eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.\"\n"
[218] "Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges. "
[219] "Girl: â\200œForgive me father for I have sinned.â\200\235Priest: â\200œWhat have you done my child?â\200\235\n\nGirl: â\200œI called a man a son of a bitch.â\200\235\n\nPriest: â\200œWhy did you call him a son of a bitch?â\200\235\n\nGirl: â\200œBecause he touched my hand.â\200\235\n\nPriest: â\200œLike this?â\200\235 (as he touches her hand)\n\nGirl: â\200œYes father.â\200\235\n\nPriest: â\200œThatâ\200\231s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.â\200\235\n\nGirl: â\200œThen he touched my breast.â\200\235\n\nPriest: â\200œLike this?â\200\235 (as he touched her breast)\n\nGirl: â\200œYes father.â\200\235\n\nPriest: â\200œThatâ\200\231s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.â\200\235\n\nGirl: â\200œThen he took off my clothes, father.â\200\235\n\nPriest: â\200œLike this?â\200\235 (as he takes off her clothes)\n\nGirl: â\200œYes father.\n\nPriest: â\200œThatâ\200\231s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.â\200\235\n\nGirl: â\200œThen he stuck his you know what into my you know where.â\200\235\n\nPriest: â\200œLike this?â\200\235 (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)\n\nGirl: â\200œYES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!â\200\235\n\nPriest: (after a few minutes): â\200œThatâ\200\231s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.â\200\235\n\nGirl: â\200œBut father he had AIDS!â\200\235\n\nPriest: â\200œTHAT SON OF A BITCH!!!â\200\235"
[220] "Wife: â\200œIâ\200\231m pregnant.â\200\235Me: â\200œHi Pregnant, Iâ\200\231m Dad.â\200\235\n\nWife: â\200œNo youâ\200\231re not.â\200\235"
[221] "Girls who talks about girls' problems are great.But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta."
[222] "My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?To cover its butt quack."
[223] "I guess China finally got what they wantThey managed to coronise the world.\n\nEdit: thank you for all the awards!"
[224] "I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!\n\n​\n\nEdit: Thank you everyone for the awards!"
[225] "A vegan said to me, \"people who sell meat are gross!\"I said, \"people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.\"\n\n\n\n\n\n\ncredits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments\n\n\n"
[226] "Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...But thatâ\200\231s comparing apples to oranges."
[227] "When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.All the slides were just pictures of me."
[228] "I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.\"Really?\" she said. \"Go on then... Try.\"\n\nAfter about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.\n\n\"Come on,\" she demanded, \"What day was I born on?\"\n\n\"Yesterday?\" I replied."
[229] "4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted. \n \nAbout 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off. \n \nThe dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak. \n \nThe grim reaper swears. \"Oh no! This always happens with identical twins\". \n \n\"What do you mean?\" asks the dentist. \n \n\"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now.\" \n \nThe dentist is noticeably upset. He says \"Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life.\" \n \nThe grim reaper asks \"What do you have in mind?\" \n \nThe dentist thinks. \"How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free.\" \n \nThe grim reaper laughs. \"I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?\" \n \nThe dentist smiles. \"I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide.\" \n \n\"Very well\" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom. \n \nOnce there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. \"You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance.\" \n \nThe dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles. \n \nIt's unbelievable. \n \nThe shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth. \n \nThe winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. \"You win, human. This time. Your brother will live.\" He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. \"Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died.\" \n \nThe dentist smiles on the phone and says. \"That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death.\""
[230] "Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.My life is a joke."
[231] "If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.\n\nOn the other hand, you donâ\200\231t."
[232] "I never understood school shooting jokesI guess they're aimed at a younger audience..."
[233] "Can we ban \"Yo Momma\" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of timesJust like yo momma."
[234] "Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breastsNick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. \n\n\nOne day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. \n\n\nWithout pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. \n\nThe next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. \n\nUpon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.\n\nThe King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. \n\nHoratio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.\n\nUpon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.\n\nThe next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.\n\nThe moral of the story - Pay your bills !!"
[235] "My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movieI don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling \n\nEdit: Yo my post made it to r/all that's so sick, this was told to me by one of my best friends earlier today so shout out to you bud!!"
[236] "After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, \"what are you going to do now?\"God said,\n\n\"I think I'm going to call it a day.\""
[237] "I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.Apparently the correct term is \"conjoined twins\"."
[238] "I asked my mum \"How much is a couple?\"\"2 or 3\" she replied.\n\nProbably explains why her marriage collapsed."
[239] "An African LumberjackAn African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.\n\n\"Take a couple swings at that tree over there.\" The foreman said.\n\nThe lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.\n\n\"Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here.\" The foreman points out a much larger tree.\n\nOne, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.\n\n\"That's incredible!\" Cried the foreman. \"Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!\"\n\n\"In the Sahara Forest.\" Replied the lumberjack.\n\n\"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?\" Asked the foreman.\n\n\"That's why I'm here.\""
[240] "Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo...Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.\n \nA secret service agent, new on the job, shouts â\200œMickey Mouse!â\200\235 This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.\n \nLater, the secret service agentâ\200\231s supervisor takes him aside and asks, â\200œWhat in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?â\200\235\n \nBlushing, the agent replies, â\200œI got nervous. I meant to shout Donald duck.\""
[241] "People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision."
[242] "I wasnâ\200\231t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.Apparently you need to be a complete dick."
[243] "A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where\nthey should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet\nat Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.\nThe food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.\n\nTen years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they\nshould meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at\nWetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they\ncould dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good\nvalue for money.\n\nTen years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should\nmeet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at\nWetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair\naccessible and had a toilet for the disabled.\n\nTen years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should\nmeet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at\nWetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before."
[244] "I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video...He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy."
[245] "The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...I said, \"Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet.\"\n\n\n\nEdit: Wow. Front page and reddit gold. Thanks everybody. :)\n\n\n\nEdit 2: Wow. Reddit silver and more reddit gold. Thanks guys. :)"
[246] "A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessitiesIt was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.\n\nWhen he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.\n\nAlso, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, \"Is the coming winter going to be cold?\"\n\n\"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,\" the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.\n\nA week later, he called the National Weather Service again. \"Is it going to be a very cold winter?\"\n\n\"Yes,\" the man at National Weather Service again replied,\"it's definitely going to be a very cold winter.\" The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.\n\nTwo weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. \"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?\"\n\n\"Absolutely,\" the man replied. \"It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.\"\n\n\"How can you be so sure?\" the Chief asked.\n\nThe weatherman replied, \"The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.\"\n\nEDIT: formatting..."
[247] "A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, \"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.\"Passenger: \"Who?\" \n\nCabbie: \"Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.\" \n\nPassenger: \"There are always a few clouds over everybody.\" \n\nCabbie: \"Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.\" \n\nPassenger: \"Sounds like he was really something special.\" \n\nCabbie: \"There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.â\200\235 \nPassenger: \"Wow, what a guy!\" \n\nCabbie: \"He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.\" \n\nPassenger: \"How did you meet him?\" \n\nCabbie: \"I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.\" "
[248] "I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.Oh wait, my bad. That wasnâ\200\231t my waiter."
[249] "My housemates are convinced our house is hauntedI don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange."
[250] "I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questionsLike, \"who's blood is this\", and \"where did you get it?\" "
[251] "A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks \"How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?\"\"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you.\" The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says \"Since you're our guest you get to go first.\" The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks \"Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women.\""
[252] "Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?...it was Luke warm."
[253] "Me: â\200œSquirting isnâ\200\231t real, right? Itâ\200\231s just urine, right?â\200\235Interviewer: â\200œI meant any questions about the job.â\200\235"
[254] "I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.Always walkin around like they rent the place."
[255] "A little girl asks her mother, â\200œMommy, how was I born?â\200\235Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: â\200œOnce upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.â\200\235"
[256] "The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear.....Is Sphere Itself. "
[257] "I take Viagra for my sun burn...It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep.\n\n​"
[258] "The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...I said, \"Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet.\"\n\n---\n\nEdit: Oh wow! Gold - thank you! Maybe I'm ready after all..."
[259] "I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.It's my new year's resolution."
[260] "What do you call a stolen Tesla?An Edison.\n\nEdit: TRUMP 2020 KEEP AMERICA GREAT!"
[261] "Boss wants to have sex with his secretaryA boss said to his secretary \"I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you bend down to pick it, I'll be done.\" She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.\n\nHer boyfriend then said \"Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself.\"\n\nSo she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, \"What happened?\"\n\nShe responds, \"The bastard used COINS! I'm still picking and he is still fucking!\""
[262] "A young Arab boy asks his father â\200œWhat is that strange hat you are wearing?â\200\235\n\nThe father said: \"Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.â\200\235\n\n\"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?â\200\235 asked the boy.\n\nâ\200œOh, my son!â\200\235 exclaimed the father â\200œIt is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body.\"\n\nThe son then asked: \"But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?â\200\235\n\n\"These are 'babouches' my son,â\200\235 the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet.\"\n\n\"So tell me then,\" added the boy.\n\n\"Yes, my sonâ\200¦â\200\235\n\n\"Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?"
[263] "What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk."
[264] "Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas."
[265] "When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. \"Tarzan not know sex.\" he replied.\nJane explained to him what it was.\n\nTarzan said, \"Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.\"\n\nHorrified, Jane said, \"Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.\"\n\nShe took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.\n\n\"Here.\" she said, pointing to her privates. \"You must put it in here.\"\n\nTarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!\n\nJane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.\n\nEventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, \"What did you do that for?!\"\n\nTarzan replied, \"Check for squirrel.\""
[266] "The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high.\"A man who lays with another man should be stoned.\" \n\n- Leviticus 20:13 ESV\n\n"
[267] "I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party."
[268] "When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.That's Arkham's Razor.\n\n\nEdit: Bloody hell, gold at 3 upvotes. Thanks Batman!"
[269] "A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, â\200œGive me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.â\200\235The bank manager said to the clerk, â\200œYouâ\200\231d better do what he says, I think he means business.â\200\235"
[270] "Do you know how to avoid clickbait?Obviously not"
[271] "Do all black people have a problem with slavery ?Or just mine ?"
[272] "I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet."
[273] "The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.The wife asked, \"Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?\"\n\nHelen: \"There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you.\"\n\nWife: \"Who said that?\"\n\nHelen: \"Your husband.\"\n\nWife: \"Oh.\"\n\nHelen: \"The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.\"\n\nWife: \"Who said that?\"\n\nHelen: \"Your husband.\"\n\nWife: \"Oh.\"\n\nHelen: \"The third reason is that I am better at sex than you.\"\n\nWife: \"Did my husband say that as well?\"\n\nHelen: \"No, the gardener did.\"\n\nWife: \"So, how much do you want?\""
[274] "A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...The waitress says, \"Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl\".\n\nHe looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, \"Are you going to eat that chili?\"\n\nThe other guy says, \"No. Help yourself\".\n\nHe slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.\n\nThe other guy says, \"Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too\"."
[275] "Your mom is so fatYour mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat.\n\n[EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum\n"
[276] "My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday."
[277] "A little girl says to her mother: \"Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around\"\"Not now,\" says Mummy. \"Wait until Daddy gets home.\" \n\nSo they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says \"Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?\" \n\nAnd Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, \"You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.\" \n\n\"Well,\" says the little girl, \"Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole.\" \n\n\"Clever girl,\" purrs Mummy. \"What could you see through the keyhole?\" \n\n\"I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her.\" \n\n\"Yes?\" says Mummy. \"And then what happened?\" \n\n\"Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year,\" says the little girl confidently."
[278] "Deaf SexTwo deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times."
[279] "As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superheroThe Invisible Man"
[280] "Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.I canâ\200\231t deal with high maintenance women."
[281] "Why didn't 4 ask out 5Because he was 2²."
[282] "I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.I said â\200\230no way, centipedes donâ\200\231t talk.â\200\231\nThe owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me. \nA little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said â\200\230alright mate, Iâ\200\231m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?â\200\231 The centipede said nothing, I scoffed and went to the pub. \nThe next evening I thought Iâ\200\231d give it another try so I went to its tank again and said â\200\230alright mate, Iâ\200\231m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?â\200\231 Still absolutely no response from the centipede, so I went on my way, cursing the pet shop owner.\nThe following evening I thought I would give it one more try, so I went over to its tank and asked â\200\230alright mate, Iâ\200\231m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?â\200\231 The centipede replied â\200\230I heard you the first time Iâ\200\231m just putting my fucking shoes onâ\200\231"
[283] "I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.Since she can't even beat an egg\n\nEdit:\nWhoa, front page, im ashamed. Thank you kind stranger for the silver oh, you made my day!"
[284] "North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because theyâ\200\231re brainwashed by the government and the mediaBut every American knows that America is the best country in the world"
[285] "A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.\n\nSure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, \"What are you lining up for, dear?\" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.\n\n\"Mmm, sounds lovely,\" said Grandma. \"I think I'll have some myself,\" she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. \"But you're so old... how do you do it?\"\n\nGrandma replied, \"Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!\""
[286] "Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?You have to be alive to have autism. \n\nEdit: Holy shit thank you for the Reddit Gold, Iâ\200\231m just a teenager that posted a dumb joke on the internet, didnâ\200\231t expect it to blow up. Thank you so much. "
[287] "I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom. \n\nI walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2\", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn't believe my luck. \n\nI asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I'm open minded so I took her to dinner.\n\nOn the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs.\n\n\"Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children.\"\n\nI said okay, weed's 50/50 some people do some people don't. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn't drink.\n\nI said \"you don't drink?!?\"\n\n\"Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children.\"\n\nExcellent food, sparkling conversation but i'm bummed out, I don't know what to do with a girl like this.\n\nSo I'm driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask:\n\n \"wanna get a room and knock boots?\"\n\nShe says: I thought you'd never ask!\n\nI say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children? \n\nShe says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!"
[288] "Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?Because with great power comes great response ability.\n\nEdit: Iâ\200\231ve never gotten this many upvotes before, thanks guys!"
[289] "A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. \n\nAfter a moment or two, the vet \nshook his head and sadly said, \"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.\" \n\nThe distressed woman wailed, \n\"Are you sure?\"\n\"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,\" replied \nthe vet.. \n\n\"How can you be so sure?\" she protested. \"I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or \nsomething.\" \n\nThe vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later \nwith a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. \n\nThe vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat\nback on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. \n\nThe vet looked at the woman and said, \"I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.\" \n\nThe vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and \nproduced a bill, which he handed to the woman..\n\nThe duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. \"$150!\" she cried, \"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!\"\n\nThe vet shrugged, \"I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, \nthe bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.\"\n\n"
[290] "TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.Whoops, wrong sub"
[291] "If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\nEdit: Front and Gold. Thank you.\n\nEdit 2: if this is in fact a repost, I apologise. I honestly am not sure if somebody else posted this before."
[292] "I finally got someone to be my valentine!I wish I could post this in any other sub."
[293] "Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip. \n\n They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. \n \n\nThey managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. \n \n\nThe two guys objected strongly. \"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.\" \n \n\nReluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. \n \n\nSomehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the \n crash. \n \n\nAfter climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, \"Any idea where we \n are?\" \n \n\nBilly Bob replied, \"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.\""
[294] "Son: \"Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.\"Father: \"That's great, son! Who is she?\"\n\nSon: \"It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter.\"\n\nFather: \"Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.\"\n\nThe boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:\n\nSon: \"Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!\"\n\nFather: \"That's great, son! Who is she?\"\n\nSon: \"It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter.\"\n\nFather: \"Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister.\"\n\nThis went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.\n\nSon: \"Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!\"\n\nThe mother hugs him affectionately and says, \"You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!\""
[295] "A husband notices his wifeâ\200\231s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.â\200œI canâ\200\231t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old ageâ\200\235 he says to the doc.\n\nâ\200œThereâ\200\231s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearingâ\200\235 explains the doctor. â\200œSimply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesnâ\200\231t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she doesâ\200\235.\n\nThat night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, â\200œwhat a perfect opportunity to test her hearingâ\200\235.\n\nHe stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;\n\nâ\200œWhatâ\200\231s for dinner honey?â\200\235\n\nNo answer. He moves closer.\n\nâ\200œWhatâ\200\231s for dinner honey?â\200\235\n\nStill no answer. He moves even closer.\n\nâ\200œWhatâ\200\231s for dinner honey?â\200\235\n\nStill his wife doesnâ\200\231t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.\n\nâ\200œWhatâ\200\231s for dinner honey?â\200\235\n\nâ\200œFOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WEâ\200\231RE HAVING CHICKENâ\200\235"
[296] "A guy walks into a bar owned by EminemHe tells the bartender,\"Give me 2 shots of...\"\n\nThe bartender cuts him off saying,\"You only get 1 shot.\""
[297] "I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,\n\n\"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character\" I exclaimed,\n\n\"Fuck off\" She shouted \"I haven't got dressed yet\""
[298] "My wife left me because I am insecureNo wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee"
[299] "What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k?HDMI\n\nedit because everyone's yelling at me: its a repost. please stop downvote spamming my comments\n\nedit 2: i dont know why it got tagged as nsfw. please stop asking"
[300] "The wife came early and found her husband making love with a young attractive woman.\"You are a disrespectful pig!\" she cried. \"How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife and mother of your children! I am leaving you\"\n\nThe husband replied \"Hang on a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened\"\n\n\"Go ahead\", she sobbed. \" but probably they will be the last words you will say to me\"\n\nAnd the husband began \" Well, I was getting in to the car to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out, and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So , in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid that you'll put on weight.\n\nThe poor thing devoured them in moments.\n\nSince she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.\n\nThen, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.\n\nI also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have a good taste.\n\nI found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair of the same.\n\nThe husband took a quick breath and continued- ' She was so grateful for my understanding and help and that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said ' Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'\n\nThat's how we ended up on bed."
[301] "\"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?\"\"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !\"\n\n\"Thanks dad !\"\n\n\"No problem Alan\""
[302] "I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer â\200œSmokingâ\200\235 or â\200œNon-smokingâ\200\235.Apparently the correct terms are â\200œCremationâ\200\235 and â\200œBurialâ\200\235."
[303] "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it......then my illegal logging business is a success."
[304] "If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes she will.No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it"
[305] "A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.The fairy says â\200œI will give you what you most desire if you do someone elseâ\200\231s job for a day.â\200\235\n\nThe professor says â\200œIâ\200\231ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?â\200\235 so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kidsâ\200\231 screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.\n\nThe C.E.O says â\200œIâ\200\231ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. Thisâ\200\231ll be a breezeâ\200\235 so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.\n\nThe janitor says â\200œIâ\200\231ll be an artistâ\200\235 so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.\n\nThe janitor says â\200œI got a masters degree in art.â\200\235"
[306] "A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.The doctor says, \" 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?\"\n\nThe man replies, \" like a glove.\"\n\nEdit: thank you everyone for the upvotes, because if you, the top post on my Reddit profile will forever be an old joke about a man with too many penises. "
[307] "A pirate goes to the doctor and say, \"I have moles on me back aaarrrghh.\"The doctor: \"It's ok, they're benign.\"\n\nPirate: \"Count again, I think there be ten!\""
[308] "If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...He should have hired her!"
[309] "My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchairGuess who came crawling back"
[310] "My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed...After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence."
[311] "Iâ\200\231m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content."
[312] "How do you break up two blind guys fighting?Yell, \"My money's on the guy with the knife!\" "
[313] "As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced \"Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time\"I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?"
[314] "Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?In charge of the sequence, Yoda was."
[315] "One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: \n\n\"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!\"\n\nThe driver agrees: \"You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.\" \n\n\"That's a great idea!\" says Einstein. \"Let's switch places then!\" \n\nSo they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. \n\nBut in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. \n\nThe driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :\n\n \"Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you.\""
[316] "My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris PrattI don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt."
[317] "I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door openShe said \"it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!\"\n\nThinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day."
[318] "My wife left me because I am insecureNo wait, she's back.\nShe just went to get coffee."
[319] "I wish I could be ugly for one day.Being ugly every day sucks."
[320] "One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.â\200œYou are a disrespectful pig!â\200\235 she cried. â\200œHow dare you do this to me! Iâ\200\231m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! Iâ\200\231m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!â\200\235\n\nThe husband replied, â\200œHang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.â\200\235\n\nâ\200œGo ahead,â\200\235 she sobbed, â\200œbut theyâ\200\231ll be the last words youâ\200\231ll say to me!â\200\235\n\nSo the husband began, â\200œWell, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.\n\nI noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadnâ\200\231t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldnâ\200\231t eat because youâ\200\231re afraid youâ\200\231ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!\n\nSince she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but donâ\200\231t wear because you say they are too tight.\n\nI also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you donâ\200\231t wear because I donâ\200\231t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you donâ\200\231t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and donâ\200\231t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.â\200\235\n\nThe husband took a quick breath and continued, â\200œShe was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and saidâ\200¦â\200\235 â\200œDo you have anything else that your wife doesnâ\200\231t use?â\200\235"
[321] "My girlfriend just emailed me\"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative\"\n\nDoes anyone know what \"ternative\" mean?"
[322] "TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...\nOn the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium..."
[323] "My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda CivicI refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord"
[324] "Jeff Bezos: \"Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer.\"Alexa: \"Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer.\""
[325] "A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.\"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?\" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear. \n\n\"I don't know, who's playing?\" the boy answers.\n\n\"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?\""
[326] "Husband: I have cheated onceHusband: I have cheated once\n\nWife: me too.\n\nhusband: 1st of Apriii....\n\nWife: 18th of June"
[327] "What do you call an emo a capella group?Self Harmony\n\nEdit: #10 on /r/all! And thanks for the gold kind stranger!"
[328] "Only anti-vaxxers will get thisMeasles"
[329] "Dude 1: Hey, bro?Dude 2: Yeah bro?\nDude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?\nDude 2: Brochure"
[330] "Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.It was the least I could do for the guy."
[331] "A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy. The fairy says \"I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day.\"\n\nThe professor says \"I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?\" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.\n\nThe C.E.O says \"I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze\" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.\n\nThe janitor says \"I'll be an artist\" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.\n\nThe janitor says \"I got a masters degree in art.\""
[332] "I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.I told her we use names here."
[333] "As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office."
[334] "A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.He asks the lady, â\200\230Do you have a vagina?â\200\231\n\nShe slams the door in disgust.\n\nThe next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, â\200\230Do you have a vaginaâ\200\231?\n\nShe slams the door again.\n\nLater that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.\n\nThe husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, â\200\230Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up againâ\200\231\n\nThe next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, â\200\230Honey, Iâ\200\231m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with itâ\200\231\n\nShe nods yes to her husband and opens the door.\n\nSure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. â\200\230Do you have a vaginaâ\200\231?\n\nâ\200\230Yesâ\200\231 she says.\n\nThe man replied, â\200\230Thatâ\200\231s great! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wifeâ\200\231s alone and start using yours?â\200\231"
[335] "A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies â\200œI just did some homework.â\200\235 The robot slaps the son. The son then says â\200œOkay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.â\200\235\n\nDad asks â\200œWhat movie were you watching?â\200\235 The son replies â\200œFinding Nemoâ\200\235. The robot slaps the son. He then says â\200œOkay, okay. We were watching porn.â\200\235\n\nDad said â\200œWhat?! At your age I didnâ\200\231t know what porn was.â\200\235 The robot slaps the father. \n\nMom laughs and says â\200œWow. He certainly is your son.â\200\235\n\nThe robot slaps the mother. \n\n\n\n^Edit: ^Fixed ^grammar ^+ ^tenses. "
[336] "Afternoon SexThe only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon \"quickie\" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.\nâ\200œThere's a car being towed from the parking lot,\" he shouted.\nHe began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:\n\"An ambulance just drove by!\"\n\"Looks like the Andersons have company,\" he called out.\n \"Matt's riding a new bike!\"\n \"Looks like the Sanders are moving!\"\n \"Jason is on his skate board!\"\nAfter a few moments he announced, \"The Coopers are having sex!!\"\n Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,\n \"How do you know they're having sex?\"\n\"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.\"\n"
[337] "A man heard that masturbating before sex...A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. \n\nOn his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.\n\nSatisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank.\nHe closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.\n\nNot wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, \"What?\"\n\nHe heard, \"This is the police. What's going on down there?\"\n\nThe man replied, \"I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted.\"\n\nCame the reply, \"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.\""
[338] "What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?Oh, high marks."
[339] "A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, \"Get the fuck out of my cab.\"So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.\nHe gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.\nSo, he gets in the first cab.\n\"How much is it to the airport?\" He asks.\nThe driver says, \"$15\"\n\"Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?\"\nThe cab driver says, \"Get the fuck out of my cab.\"\nSo he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. \"How much to airport?\"\n\"$15\"\n\"Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?\"\nAnd that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab.\nHe does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.\nHe asks, \"hey how much to the airport?\"\nDriver responds, \"$15\"\nThe guy hands him $15 and says \"great let's go\"\nAnd so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up."
[340] "Whatâ\200\231s the difference between a computer and an American?An American doesnâ\200\231t have trouble-shooting."
[341] "I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, â\200œDo you have a criminal record?â\200\235I said, â\200œNo. Is that still required?â\200\235"
[342] "Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow Iâ\200\231m not one of them."
[343] "How do you grab the attention of a pervert?An NSFW tag"
[344] "Do you know how to avoid clickbait?Apparently not.\n\n\n-\nEdit: Thanks for the gold (gild?), kind stranger."
[345] "Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?\nA: 1 GB\n\n\n\nEdit: Getting lots of people complaining because I said thanks. Well tuff. Itâ\200\231s polite. Thanks everyone :)"
[346] "My wife left me for an Indian guyI know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows."
[347] "Girl: \"Come over\"Guy: \"I'm coming over\"\n\nGirl: \"We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over.\"\n\n"
[348] "Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.\n\n\nThey are already experts at recycling.\n"
[349] "A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...The general stood tall and said \"1956 ma'am.\" The woman, taken back by this answer said \"1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better...\" and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said \"well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...\". The general looked at her confused and said \"well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!\""
[350] "What do you call a waffle on a California beach?A Sandy Eggo.\n- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says \"Hi\" by the way).\n\n-EDIT: Wow, this blew up a lot more than I thought it would. My first gold and my first post to make it to the front page. You are too kind, Reddit."
[351] "Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls."
[352] "Where do little jokes come from?Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.\n\n(I made this up myself, Iâ\200\231m really proud of it)\n\nEdit: Deleted the long edits. Thanks for the gold. Feel free to repost and make it better. "
[353] "As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there \"isn't\" something trying to kill you....\"School\" is my answer."
[354] "Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job. "
[355] "People say smoking will give you diseases.What they don't know is that it cures salmon."
[356] "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,\"No, just leave it in the carton! \"\n\n\nP. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it."
[357] "If I had a nickel for every time I didnâ\200\231t know what was going on......Iâ\200\231d be like â\200œwhy do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?â\200\235"
[358] "If I had a dollar for every downvote EA\"s comment gets....I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them."
[359] "Astronaut 1: \"I can't find any milk for my coffee\"Astronaut 2: \"In space no-one can. Here, use cream\""
[360] "New Teslas don't come with a new car smellThey come with an Elon Musk."
[361] "Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, \"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?\"Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, \"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?\"\n\n\"Well,\" replied the Queen, \"the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.\"\n\nTrump frowned, and then asked, \"But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?\"\n\nThe Queen took a sip of tea. \"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.\"\n\nThe Queen pushed a button on her intercom. \"Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?\"\n\nThe Prime Minster walked into the room and said, \"Yes, Your Majesty?\"\n\nThe Queen smiled and said, \"Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?\"\n\nWithout pausing for a moment, he answered, \"That would be me.\"\n\n\"Yes! Very good,\" said the Queen.\n\nTrump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. â\200œ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?\"\n\n\"I'm not sure,\" said Pence. \"Let me get back to you on that one.\" He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.\n\nFinally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, \"Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?\"\n\nJack Murphy answered right back, \"That's easy, it's me!\"\n\nPence smiled, and said, \"Thanks!\"\n\nPence then went back to speak with Trump. \"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!\"\n\nTrump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, \"No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!\""
[362] "I like my coffee how I like my slaves...Free"
[363] "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...Thank you, Mom. Happy Mother's Day!\n\nEdit: At least $136 worth of Reddit Gold in this thread. You never cease to amaze me, Reddit."
[364] "â\200œI canâ\200\231t believe that youâ\200\231ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,â\200\235 my wife screamed at me. â\200œIâ\200\231m really disappointed.â\200\235â\200œYou can hardly blame me,â\200\235 I answered. â\200œItâ\200\231s not like I was getting any from you.â\200\235\n\n\nâ\200œWell, thatâ\200\231s your own fault,â\200\235 she replied. â\200œYou never told me you were willing to pay for it.â\200\235"
[365] "Communism jokes are not funnyUnless everyone gets them"
[366] "Cheating WivesA guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house.\n\n\nThe guy says to the cabbie, \"Wanna make a $100?\"\n\n\nThe cabbie says, \"Sure, what do I have to do?\"\n\n\nThe guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home.\n\n\nThe cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.\n\n\nThe cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, \"Here! Hold her!\"\n\n\nThe man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, \"THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!\"\n\n\nThe cabbie replied, \"I KNOW. IT'S MINE... I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!\"\n\n"
[367] "White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.We do it in schools, because we have class."
[368] "A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.\n\nAfter a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, \"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.\"\n\nHe followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, \"What would you say is my best feature?\"\n\nFlustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, \"It has to be your ears.\"\n\nAstounded, and a little hurt she asked, \"My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?\"\n\nClearing his throat, he stammered, \"Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me.\"\n"
[369] "A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of $100 bills on the counterHe asks the bartender \"Hey, what's with the jar?\"\n\nThe bartender replies \"Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out.\"\n\nThe guy looks down to see a 6'4 300lb guy and says \"Well, I don't think I can do that. What's the other two parts?\"\n\n\"After that, you have to go outside. Around back is where we keep Big Jim's dog. He's the baddest junkyard dog you've ever seen. You have to go get a tooth out of his mouth. And then, when you're done with that you have to go upstairs. There you'll find Big Jim's mom. She's 70 years old and never had an orgasm in her life. You've gotta go up there and fuck her to completion.\"\n\nThe man says \"Wow, I can see why the jar is so full.\"\n\nAfter a few hours of drinking the man get sloppy drunk and says \"Fuck it,\" slaps down a $100 and jumps up on the bar and runs down and kicks Big Jim square in the jaw knocking him out cold. The bartender is stunned, as this is the furthest anyone has made it. The man runs outside to the cheers of the patrons and everyone hears snarling and growling and grows silent. Moments later they hear the dog whimper and then yelp, then nothing.\n\nMoments later the man drunkenly stumbles back in and says \"Alright, now where's the old lady with the tooth?\""
[370] "My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree."
[371] "A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,when the new bride says to the husband, \"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin.\"\n\nThe husband replies, \"That's no big thing in this day and age.\"\n\nThe wife continues, \"Yeah, I've been with one guy.\"\n\n\"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?\"\n\n\"Tiger Woods.\"\n\n\"Tiger Woods, the golfer?\"\n\n\"Yeah.\"\n\n\"Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.\"\n\nThe husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.\n\n\"What are you doing?\" asks the wife.\n\nThe husband says, \"I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.\"\n\n\"Tiger wouldn't do that.\"\n\n\"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?\"\n\n\"He would come back to bed and do it a second time.\"\n\nThe husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.\n\n\"Now what are you doing?\" she asks.\n\nThe husband says, \"I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.\"\n\n\"Tiger wouldn't do that.\"\n\n\"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?\"\n\n\"He would come back to bed and do it again.\"\n\nThe guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. \n\nThe wife asks, \"Are you calling room service?\"\n\n\"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.\""
[372] "(NSFW) A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. \"Am I in heaven?\" asks the disoriented priest. \"No\" says one of the nurses. \"We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward\"."
[373] "Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\nOuch"
[374] "There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.\n\n\nBut his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.\n\n\nWishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.\n\n\nAttila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.\n\n\nBut the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.\n\n\nStanding before Attila, the old man calmly said, \"Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me.\"\n\n\nCurious, Attila did as he asked.\n\n\nThen the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.\n\n\n\"Now hold these in both hands,\" he instructed.\n\n\nAttila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.\n\n\nTo an amazed Attila, the old man simply said,\n\n\n\"Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun.\""
[375] "What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?Micro trans-action"
[376] "My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...\n\nWell the jokes on them â\200“ theyâ\200\231re imaginary too..."
[377] "Not for the easily offended - my favourite politically incorrect joke...Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying. \n\"What's wrong?\" man asks. \n\"Never been kissed before\" girl says. \nMan kisses her and she goes home happy. \n \nNext day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying. \n\"What's wrong?\" man asks. \n\"Never been wined and dined before\" girl says. \nSo man takes her out for a beautiful meal, gets her drunk and wheels her off home. \n \nAgain man walks through park following day. Girl still in wheelchair crying. \n\"What's wrong?\" Asks man. \n\"Never been fucked before\" says girl. \nSo man picks up girl and throws her in the river and says... \n\"Well you're fucked now\" "
[378] "A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at workA woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The womanâ\200\231s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.\n\nThe little boy says, â\200œIts dark in here.â\200\235\n\nThe man says, â\200œYes, it is.â\200\235\n\nBoy ~ â\200œI have a baseball.â\200\235\n\nMan ~ â\200œThatâ\200\231s nice.â\200\235\n\nBoy ~ â\200œWant to buy it?â\200\235\n\nMan ~ â\200œNo, thanks.â\200\235\n\nBoy ~ â\200œMy dadâ\200\231s outside.â\200\235\n\nMan ~ â\200œOK, how much?â\200\235\n\nBoy ~ â\200œ$250?\n\nIn the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.\n\nBoy ~ â\200œIts dark in here.â\200\235\n\nMan ~ â\200œYes, it is.â\200\235\n\nBoy ~ â\200œI have a baseball glove.â\200\235\n\nThe lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, â\200œHow much?â\200\235\n\nBoy ~ â\200œ$750?\n\nMan ~ â\200œFine.â\200\235\n\nA few days later, the father says to the boy, â\200œGrab your glove, letâ\200\231s go outside and have a game of catch.â\200\235\n\nThe boy says, â\200œI canâ\200\231t, I sold my baseball and my glove.â\200\235\n\nThe father asks, â\200œHow much did you sell them for?â\200\235\n\nBoy ~ â\200œ$1,000?\n\nThe father says, â\200œThatâ\200\231s terrible to overcharge your friends like thatâ\200¦that is way more than those two things cost. Iâ\200\231m going to take you to church and make you confess.â\200\235\n\nThey go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.\n\nThe boy says, â\200œDark in here.â\200\235\n\nThe priest says, â\200œDonâ\200\231t start that crap again.â\200\235"
[379] "My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in."
[380] "Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.He said \"inflation\""
[381] "My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, \"You weren't even listening just now, were you?!\"I thought, \"Man, what a weird way to start a conversation.\""
[382] "A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.\n\nAs he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.\n\nThe next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line.\n\nAs the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque.\n\nConfused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on...\n\n\"These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan.\" He says, \"Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home.\"\n\nThe marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments.\n\nAfter 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives.\n\n\"Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?\" Asks the replacement. \"And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?\"\n\n\"Well, I'll be honest with you\", replies the marine, \"this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line.\""
[383] "When you say \"poop\" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.The same is true for the phrase \"explosive diarrhea.\""
[384] "Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face maskI asked \"Why are you wearing a surgical mask?\" \n\n\nShe said \"I'm not, it's a coughy filter.\""
[385] "An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a barThe first mathematician orders a beer\n\nThe second orders half a beer\n\n\"I don't serve half-beers\" the bartender replies\n\n\"Excuse me?\" Asks mathematician #2\n\n\"What kind of bar serves half-beers?\" The bartender remarks. \"That's ridiculous.\"\n\n\"Oh c'mon\" says mathematician #1 \"do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along\"\n\n\"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to.\"\n\n\"But that's not a problem\" mathematician #3 chimes in \"at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-\"\n\n\"I know how limits work\" interjects the bartender\n\n\"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics\"\n\n\"Are you kidding me?\" The bartender replies, \"you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?\"\n\n\"HE'S ON TO US\" mathematician #1 screeches\n\nSimultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.\n\nThe mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. \"FOOLS\" it booms in unison, \"I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA\"\n\nThe bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. \"But wait\" he inturrupts, thinking fast, \"if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!\"\n\nThe mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. \"My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!\" and with that, they vanish.\n\nA nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. \"How did you know that that would work?\"\n\n\"It's simple really\" the bartender says. \"I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative.\"\n\n"
[386] "I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.Son:Â \"Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?\"\n\nFather:Â \"Sure son. What's the question?\"\n\nSon:Â \"What is Politics?\"\n\nFather:Â \"Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me \"Capitalism\". your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her \"Government\". We take care of your need, so let's call you \"The People\". We'll call the maid \"The Working Class\" and your little brother, we can call \"The Future\". Do you understand son?\n\nSon:Â \"I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it.\"\n\nThat night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.\n\nSon:Â \"Dad, now I think i understand what politics is.\"\n\nFather:Â \"Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?\"\n\nSon:Â \"Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.\""
[387] "The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, â\200œSheâ\200\231s beautiful, isnâ\200\231t she?â\200\235 I said, â\200œIf you think sheâ\200\231s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.â\200\235He said, â\200œWhy? Is she a stunner?â\200\235 I said, â\200œNo, sheâ\200\231s an optician.â\200\235"
[388] "I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!â\200œI bet itâ\200\231s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,â\200\235 she replied. "
[389] "Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, \"How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?\"He winked at me and said, \"I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park.\""
[390] "A joke is like a frog...When you dissect it, it dies.\nGet it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it.\nBasically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it."
[391] "A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon. I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. \n\n\nI thought, fuck me, I might win this"
[392] "A man knocks on the door and asks the woman \" Do you have a vagina? \"A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this.\n\nMan: Do you have a vagina?\n\nWoman slams the door in disgust\n\nThe next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question\nMan: do you have a vagina?\n\nShe slams the door again.\n\nLater that night when her husband comes home from work she tells him what's happened the past 2 days. The husband says in a concerned voice \"Honey I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow and stay with you incase that creep shows again\". \n\nThe next day there is a knock at the door again, both the husband and wife rush to the door, the husband whispers \" I'm going to hide behind the door, if he asks the question again say yes because I want to know where he's going with this\" \n\nThe man asks again \" do you have a vagina?\"\nWoman answers \" yes actually I have a vagina, why? \"\n\nThe man replies \" oh wow good! That means you can tell your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone!\"."
[393] "I got fired from the sperm bank yesterdayApparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, \"get a load of this guy\" every time someone walks in.\n\n**Edit:** Did not expect this joke to take off. Made it to the front page for a little while.\n\n**Edit 2:** Thank you for the gold kind stranger."
[394] "What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?A father in law"
[395] "Sex with the priest's wifeJack goes to his buddy Bob and says ...\n\"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?\"\nThe friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees.\nAfter mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.\nFinally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.\nBob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest...\n\"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.\"\nThe priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says...\n\"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago\"."
[396] "A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.\n\nThe driver rolls down the window and asks,\n\"What's going on?\"\n\n\n\"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting\ndonations.\"\n\n\n\"How much is everyone giving, on an average?\" the driver asks. \n\n\nThe man replies, \"Roughly a gallon.\""
[397] "How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?Tell him Obama put it in"
[398] "Ellen Pao's career"
[399] "A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.\n\nIt was a brief case."
[400] "A wife yells at her husbandWife: \"How could you do this to me?!\"\n\nHusband : \"what did I do?\"\n\nWife: \" You slept with my sister, you bastard!\" \n\nHusband : \"Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?\"\n\nWife: \"The fucking autopsy.\""
[401] "Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' \n\nAn American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.\n\nLawyer: \"I have lost my sense of taste.\" \n\nChinese: \"Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.\" \n\nLawyer: \"Ugh. this is kerosene.\" \n\nChinese: \"Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.\" \n\nThe annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. \n\nLawyer: \"I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.\" \n\nChinese: \"Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.\" \n\nLawyer (annoyed): \"This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.\" \n\nChinese: \"Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.\" \n\nThe fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. \n\nLawyer: \"My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.\" \n\nChinese: \"Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.\" \n\nLawyer (staring at the note): \"But this is $20, not $100!!\"\n\nChinese: \"Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20\""
[402] "A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, \"Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?\"\"Pop,\" goes the weasel."
[403] "Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.\nHe yells down the stairs, \"Was I getting in or out of the bath?\"\n\nThe 94 year old yells back, \"I don't know, I'll come up and see.\"\nHe starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,\n\"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?\"\n\nThe 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee\nlistening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, \n\"I sure hope I never get that forgetful.\" He knocks \non wood for good luck. He then yells, \n\"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see \nwho's at the door.\""
[404] "Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.The first one tells her friends, \"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him \"Father.\"\n\nThe second Catholic women chirps, \"Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, \"Your Grace.\"\n\nThe third Catholic woman says smugly, \"Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, \"Your Eminence.\"\n\nThe fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle \"Well...?\"\n\nShe replies, \"My son is a charismatic, 6'2\", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, \"My God.\"\n"
[405] "Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.You canâ\200\231t imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket. "
[406] "Why do reddit users hate facebook?Because you need to have friends to be on facebook."
[407] "Only anti-vaxxers will get this...Measles"
[408] "I told my son, â\200œYou will marry the girl I choose.â\200\235He said, â\200œNO!â\200\235\n\nI told him, â\200œShe is Bill Gatesâ\200\231 daughter.â\200\235\n\nHe said, â\200œOK.â\200\235\n\nI called Bill Gates and said, â\200œI want your daughter to marry my son.â\200\235\n\nBill Gates said, â\200œNO.â\200\235\n\nI told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.â\200\235\n\nBill Gates said, â\200œOK.â\200\235\n\nI called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.\n\nHe said, â\200œNO.â\200\235\n\nI told him, â\200œMy son is Bill Gatesâ\200\231 son-in-law.â\200\235\n\nHe said, â\200œOK.â\200\235\n\n\nThis is how politics works.\n\n\n\nedit: Keep yourselves informed: https://www.battleforthenet.com/\n\n[I've removed the other edits because, at +30k points, who cares what haters think?]"
[409] "A lady who is cheating on her husbandThere's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says \"oh no! What should we do?!\" She says \"hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!\" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder all over him. He says \"what are you doing?\" She says \"I'm making you white like a statue. Just stand in a pose, my husband will never know you're real, because he's stupid!\" Her husband comes in and sees them and says to her \"what's that?\" She says \"Well, me and Mrs. Johnson next door went shopping today. She has one just like it. I liked hers so much that she took me to get one.\" He shrugs it off and goes about his business. That night the boyfriend is still standing in the living room still posed, too afraid to escape. He hears the husband wake up and open the bedroom door. The husband walks past him, opens the fridge, pops open a beer and makes a bologna sandwich. He then walks up to the boyfriend and hands him the beer and sandwich and says \"Here, I was next door at Mrs.Johnson's house stuck in that position for 2 days and no one gave me anything to eat.\"\n\n*Edit: Fixed some of the grammatical errors- sorry its not much better- i'm tired.\n**Wow, did not expect this to get so much attention! Thanks for the upvotes!!"
[410] "What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?Nothing, he's gladiator."
[411] "The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, \"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!\" \n\nTrump replied, \"I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!\" \n\nSo the Pope slapped him"
[412] "Genie: You have 3 wishes.Genie: You have 3 wishes.\n\nMe: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.\n\nGenie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.\n\nMe: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.\n\nGenie: You son of a ........"
[413] "Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?[Twice removed]"
[414] "A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and Iâ\200\231m attractive to the opposite sex, thatâ\200\231s why Iâ\200\231m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, thatâ\200\231s why Iâ\200\231m the greatest.Now itâ\200\231s your turn to speak."
[415] "Panda and a ProstituteA panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, \"Hey, aren't you going to pay me?\"\n\nThe panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'\n\nThe definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. '\n\nThe panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.'\n\nThe definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves'"
[416] "Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion senseLike homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time"
[417] "As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.\n\nEDIT: That great feeling when a comment gets gilded but not the post... Makes the saying, *The joke is always in the comment* SO true."
[418] "Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.Jim turns to Bob, and says, \"You know what, I'm going to go to college!\" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. \n\n\"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes,\" the Dean says. \"English, Math, Science, and Logic.\"\n\n\"Logic?\" Jim asks. \"What the hell is that?\"\n\n\"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?\"\n\nProudly, Jim responded, \"Yes, I do.\"\n\n\"Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn,\" the Dean said.\n\n\"Yes, yes I do have a lawn!\"\n\n\"Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house.\"\n\n\"Yes, yes I do have a house!\"\n\n\"And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family.\" \n\n\n\"Yes, yes I do have a family!\"\n\n\"And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual.\"\n\n\"Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!\" Jim exclaimed.\n\n\"Yeah, that's what logic is,\" the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. \n\n\"Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic,\" Jim told Bob.\n\n\"Logic?\" Bob asks. \"What the hell is that?\"\n\n\"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?\"\n\n\"No.\"\n\n\"Then you're gay.\""
[419] "Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy,It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.\n\nEdit: guys it's a joke not a dick don't take it so hard"
[420] "My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer."
[421] "A lion would never drive while drunk.But a tiger wood."
[422] "I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday. \nThat takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1"
[423] "I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forestA little upset to find out he came back"
[424] "Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter \"O\"...O B C D..."
[425] "The word asparagus is funny.It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus. \n\nI'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke. "
[426] "A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. \"Am I in heaven?\" asks the disoriented priest.\"No\" says one of the nurses. \"We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward\"."
[427] "How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?None. They only *talk* about change."
[428] "I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived"
[429] "A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?The Bartender"
[430] "Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?\n\n\nI did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again..."
[431] "While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.They were pirates of the car I be in."
[432] "NSFW.. Girl: \"Forgive me father for I have sinned.\" Priest: \"What have you done my child?\"Girl: \"I called a man a son of a bitch.\" \n \nPriest: \"Why did you call him a son of a bitch?\" \n \nGirl: \"Because he touched my hand.\" \n \nPriest: \"Like this?\" (as he touches her hand) \n \nGirl: \"Yes father.\" \n \nPriest: \"That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.\" \n \nGirl: \"Then he touched my breast.\" \n \nPriest: \"Like this?\" (as he touched her breast) \n \nGirl: \"Yes father.\" \n \nPriest: \"That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch.\" \n \nGirl: \"Then he took off my clothes, father.\" \n \nPriest: \"Like this?\" (as he takes off her clothes) \n \nGirl: \"Yes father.\" \n \nPriest: \"That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch.\" \n \nGirl: \"Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.\" \n \nPriest: \"Like this?\" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) \n \nGirl: \"YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!\" \n \nPriest: (after a few minutes): \"That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch.\" \n \nGirl: \"But father he had AIDS!\" \n \nPriest: \"THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!\""
[433] "How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool?You say \"Please get out of the pool.\""
[434] "If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?Because they don't have access to black magic."
[435] "I went to the most popular NSFW subreddit and was shocked when I sorted by Best.I canâ\200\231t believe what this world is coming to.\n\nEdit: In true Reddit spirit your comments are taking this joke to places I never expected. Thanks for a fun afternoon."
[436] "When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loanBut when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution\n\nEdit: *Alleged* contribution of $1 million. Also, thank you kind gilder"
[437] "What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig.\nThe F"
[438] "Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...\"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!\"\n\nHis buddy looks at him and says, \"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep.\""
[439] "When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...Nobody's laughing now."
[440] "Today a girl kissed meI wish I could post it in another subreddit"
[441] "On a plane is full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: â\200œPeople of the plane, weâ\200\231re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?â\200\235\n\n\nImmediately, five people stand up and say\n\"I'm not a doctor, but..."
[442] "Cashier: Scans Condomsâ\200œDo you need a bag sir?â\200\235\n\nMe: Jesus, sheâ\200\231s not that ugly"
[443] "When I was a kid, my parents would always say \"Excuse my french\" after a swear word... ...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french."
[444] "My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolutionCould this be a red flag?"
[445] "A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied,\"Thanks for the Baghdad\""
[446] "A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive womanâ\200¦He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.\n\nThe woman notices this and asks, \"Is your date running late?\"\n\n\"No\", he replies, \"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.\"\n\nThe intrigued woman says, \"A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?\"\n\nThe cowboy explains, \"It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.\"\n\nThe lady says, \"What's it telling you now?\"\n\n\"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.\"\n\nThe woman giggles and replies, \"Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!\"\n\nThe cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, \"Damn thing's an hour fast.\""
[447] "Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a barSitting in a bar the Scotsman says, \"As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.\" \n \n\"Well,\" said the Englishman, \"At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.\" \n \n\"Ahhh, dat's nothin',\" said the Irishman, \"back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks\nyou like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!\"\n \nThe Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, \"Did this actually happen to you?\"\n\"Not to me, personally, no,\" admitted the Irishman, \"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.\""
[448] "I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...Dear Dad.\n\nIt is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.\n\nI had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.\n\nI've been finding real passion with Stacy.\n\nShe is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.\n\nBut it's not only the passion, dad.\n\nShe's pregnant.\n\nStacy said that we will be very happy.\n\nShe owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.\n\nWe share a dream of having many more children.\n\nStacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.\n\nWe'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.\n\nIn the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.\n\nShe sure deserves it!\n\nDon't worry dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.\n\nSomeday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.\n\nLove, your son, Joshua.\n\nP.S. Dad, none of the above is true.\n\nI'm over at Jason's house.\n\nI just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.\n\nCall when it is safe for me to come home!"
[449] "A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer wasI said \"Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want\"."
[450] "I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...She laughed at me, and said\n\n\"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone.\"\n\nSo I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider."
[451] "My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.I replied, \"Yes just once.\"\n\nThe doctor asked, \"What was it like?\"\n\nI said, \"It was dark, then suddenly very bright.\""
[452] "A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer\"That'll be five dollars\", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.\n\nThe next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.\n\nThe next day, again.\n\nOn the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells \"here's your change asshole!\"\n\nThe guy looks down at the coins and says: \"I'll have another beer, please.\"\n\nEdit: typo\n\nEdit 2: Wow, this got more attention than I expected. Thanks everybody!"
[453] "A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, \"A hamburger, fries, and a coke,\" and turns to the ostrich, \"What's yours?\"\n\n\"I'll have the same,\" says the ostrich.\n\nA short time later the waitress returns with the order. \"That will be $18.40 please.\" The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.\n\nThe next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, \"A hamburger, fries, and a coke.\"\n\nThe ostrich says, \"I'll have the same.\"\n\nAgain the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, \"The usual?\"\n\n\"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad\", says the guy.\n\n\"Me too,\" says the ostrich.\n\nThe waitress brings the order and says, \"That will be $42.62.\"\n\nOnce again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. \"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?\"\n\n\"Well,\" says the guy, \"several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.\"\n\n\"That's brilliant!\" says the waitress. \"Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!\"\n\n\"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,\" says the guy.\n\nThe waitress asks, \"But, sir, what's with the ostrich?\"\n\nThe guy sighs and answers, \"My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.\""
[454] "What's the difference between EA and North Korea?North Korea didn't fuck up as many launches as EA"
[455] "For every upvote this gets, my girlfriend and I will try one thrust of anal sex.Please don't upvote. Her strap-on is huge. "
[456] "A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a treeWhen he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, â\200œWait! Iâ\200\231m a talking tree!â\200\235\n\nThe lumberjack laughed and said, â\200œAnd you will dialogue.â\200\235"
[457] "My mother used to tuck me in every nightShe always wanted a girl :("
[458] "An atheist dies and goes to hell.The devil welcomes him and says:\"Let me show you around a little bit.\"\nThey walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. \"This is your house now, here are your keys.\"\nThe man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:\"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!\"\n\nThey continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. \"These are your cars now!\" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says \"Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?\".\n\nThey walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere.\nThey arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says \"Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!\"\n\nAs they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.\n\nTerrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil \"What is going on there?\"\nThe devil just shrugs and says: \"Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way\"\n\n\nedit: fucked up punchline, thanks to u/Tjurit for pointing out"
[459] "I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...I just really love dick."
[460] "A guy takes up a new job.On Monday he calls in and says, â\200\230I canâ\200\231t come in today, Iâ\200\231m sick.â\200\231 He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, â\200\230I canâ\200\231t come in today, Iâ\200\231m sick.â\200\231\n\nThe boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, â\200\230Heâ\200\231s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.â\200\231\n\nSo the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, â\200\230You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. Youâ\200\231re a good worker and Iâ\200\231d hate to fire you. Whatâ\200\231s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?â\200\231\n\nThe guy replies, â\200\230No I donâ\200\231t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure sheâ\200\231s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know Iâ\200\231m fucking her.â\200\231\n\nThe boss says, â\200\230You fuck your sister?â\200\231\n\nThe guy replies, â\200\230Hey, I told you I was sick.â\200\231"
[461] "Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee?Because they're dead"
[462] "A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon \"quickie \" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...\n\n\"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,\" he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.\n\n\"An ambulance just drove by!\"\n\n\"Looks like the Andersons have company,\" he called out.\n\n\"Matt's riding a new bike!\"\n\n\"Looks like the Sanders are moving!\"\n\n\"Jason is on his skate board!\"\n\nAfter a few moments he announced... \"The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.\n\nDad cautiously called out...\"How do you know they're having sex?\" \"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.\""
[463] "A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says \"Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100.\"\nThe one says to the other, \"should we do it??\" The other says \"NO!! Are you crazy?\" The first guy replies \"Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it.\" So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says \"well, did you get the money?\" He replies \"Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??\""
[464] "How many Alzheimerâ\200\231s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?To get to the other side"
[465] "How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb?You tell him Barack Obama installed it."
[466] "I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth todayNow when I talk I have this weird axe scent"
[467] "Success is like pregnancy.Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it."
[468] "Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?Arse skin for a friend."
[469] "My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.\nâ\200œHow are you mate?â\200\235\n\nâ\200œYeah Iâ\200\231m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.â\200\235\n\nI went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.\n\nI said â\200œYour dadâ\200\231s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.\n\nThey respond â\200œGet away with ya... Prove it.â\200\235\n\nI shouted downstairs â\200œHey, mate! Both of them?â\200\235\n\nHe shouted back â\200œOf course both of them! Whatâ\200\231s the point in fucking one?â\200\235\n\nEDIT: Gold already?! Thank you so much guys!!"
[470] "Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?Easy.\n\n\nBatman doesn't want to get shot."
[471] "Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?Because a cold never bothered her anyway.\n\nMy youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska."
[472] "Three porn stars were getting drunkAnd they started bragging to each other about their exploits\n\n\nPorn star 1 said: â\200œGirls, Iâ\200\231m easily the biggest whore in this bar. One time I fucked a soccer team. The whole team! Including the towel boy. And I did it by sneaking into the locker room, getting naked, and then just waiting for the game to end.â\200\235\n\n\nPorn star 2 then said: â\200œPshhh! Youâ\200\231re a nerdy teenager compared to me. I fucked an entire fraternity when I was in college. Even the pledges. And I did it by just walking up, knocking on the front door, and asking who was ready for some fun.â\200\235\n\n\nPorn star 1 was taken aback... but porn star 3 didnâ\200\231t even blink. She just said â\200œgirls, compared to me, you two may as well be a couple of catholic nuns. Wasnâ\200\231t long ago that I fucked every man, woman, and child in these here United States. And I did it by signing a non disclosure agreement during an election year.â\200\235"
[473] "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...Thank you for everything, Mom.\nHappy Mothers' Day! "
[474] "80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a \"Blondes Are Not Stupid\" Convention.The leader says, \"We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?\"\n\n\nA blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.\n\n\nThe leader asks her, \"What is 15 plus 15?\"\n\n\nAfter 15 or 20 seconds she says, \"Eighteen!\"\n\n\nObviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, \"Give her another chance! Give her another chance!\"\n\n\nThe leader says, \"Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance.\"\n\n\nSo he asks, \"What is 5 plus 5?\"\n\n\nAfter nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, \"Ninety?\"\n\n\nThe leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, \"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!\"\n\n\nThe leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, \"Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?\"\n\n\n\nThe girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, \"Four?\"\n\n\nThroughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... \"Give her another chance! Give her another chance!\""
[475] "(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeedingHer: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in\n\nMe: yeah he is really milking it\n\nEdit: wow this blew up!\nthanks for the gold!!!"
[476] "Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called \"Radiator Springs.\"It would be like if we called a city \"Liver Pool.\""
[477] "The problem with Trump jokes:Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes."
[478] "Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make itMe: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made"
[479] "My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself. "
[480] "Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?Cause you know he is actually guilty."
[481] "My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.She said she just can't take it any longer."
[482] "I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said â\200œ1 dollar for dirty joke.â\200\235Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.\n\nHomeless man: â\200œAlright sir whats your name?â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œJohnâ\200\235\n\nHomeless man: â\200œSo Johnny, there is black rooster alright? \n\nHow many legs does that chicken have.â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œTwo?â\200\235\n\nHomeless man: â\200œRight, now how many wings this black rooster got?â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œTwo?â\200\235\nHomeless man: â\200œRight, now how many eyes this black rooster got?â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œTwo?â\200\235\n\nHomeless man: â\200œRight again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œI donâ\200\231t know? A lot?â\200\235\n\nHomeless man: â\200œWell Johnny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.â\200\235"
[483] "Her: What do you do?Me: I race cars.\n\nHer: Do you win many races?\n\nMe: No, the cars are much faster."
[484] "Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAYThat's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside."
[485] "I took my daughter out for her first drink...While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. \nOff we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. \nI got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. \nThen I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. \nFinally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. \nI thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! \nIn desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! \nBy the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!!! \n~ \n~ \n*[edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger.]* \n\n"
[486] "My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save himAs he died, he kept insisting for us to \"be positive,\" but it's hard without him"
[487] "After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.She said, â\200œYou may not feel anything from the waist down.â\200\235\n\nâ\200œFair enough,â\200\235 I replied, and felt her breasts."
[488] "A good percentage of my friends are Nazis...0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage."
[489] "A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.\n\n\"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!\" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.\n\nNo one answered.\n\n\"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!\"\n\nSome of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.\n\nThe bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, \"Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?\"\n\nThe cowboy turned back and said, \"I had to walk home.\""
[490] "When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.He said, â\200œAny person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.â\200\235"
[491] "See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?\n\nMe: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!\n\nHer: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..\n\nMe: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat."
[492] "Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meaningsThe teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word â\200œtragedyâ\200\235.\n\nSo he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, â\200œif my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, thatâ\200\231d be a tragedy.â\200\235\n\nâ\200œNot quiteâ\200\235, says Mr. Trump, â\200œthat would be an accident.â\200\235\n\nA little girl raises her hand: â\200œif a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.â\200\235\n\nâ\200œIâ\200\231m afraid not,â\200\235 explained the president. â\200œThatâ\200\231s what we would call a great loss.â\200\235\n\nThe room goes silent. Trump searches the room. â\200œIsnâ\200\231t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? â\200œ\n\nFinally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, â\200œIf Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.â\200\235\n\nâ\200œFantastic!â\200\235 exclaimed Mr. Trump. â\200œThatâ\200\231s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?â\200\235\n\nâ\200œWellâ\200\231, said little Johnny, â\200œbecause it sure as hell wouldnâ\200\231t be a great loss and probably wouldnâ\200\231t be an accident either.â\200\235"
[493] "I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.Me: â\200œHello.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œHello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œOh no. My device? Are you sure?â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œOh yes, we have many reports.â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œOh jeez. How can I fix it?â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œItâ\200\231s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œYes. I was just about to use it. Iâ\200\231m glad you called.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œYes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œI think it's already on.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œOkay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œI donâ\200\231t see that.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œDo you see a bunch of information above the Start button?â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œYes.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œThat is your Control Panel.â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œWow, I didnâ\200\231t realize it had a name.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œYes sir, now press on Internet Options.â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œYeah, I definitely donâ\200\231t see any Internet options. I donâ\200\231t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œThey all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œOK, itâ\200\231s the same as before.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œThatâ\200\231s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œUmmmâ\200¦I donâ\200\231t know how. Iâ\200\231ve never turned it off. Since I bought it it just kind of stays on all the time.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œThere must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when itâ\200\231s running?â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œIn those cases I usually press the big button beneath Stop/Cancel.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œOK sir. Please press that button.â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œOk.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œIs your device off?â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œNo. The door popped open.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œDoor? Is there a disc inside the door?â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œNo, thereâ\200\231s a burrito.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œWhy is there a burrito in your computer?â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œComputer? I thought you said this was microwave support.â\200\235"
[494] "Damn girl, are you a piñata?Cause imma need a blindfold to hit that."
[495] "[NSFW] Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.\n\nShe looked at me and said, \"Turn the light off and stick it in my butt\".\n\nI guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first. "
[496] "What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?A receding heir line..."
[497] "What's the difference between humans and a bullet?Humans miss John Lennon"
[498] "What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?A reptile dysfunction."
[499] "What do Apple and Donald Trump have in common?I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs, but I shouldn't compare apples to oranges."
[500] "The larger the feet, the larger the penis. The larger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.Maybe thatâ\200\231s why everyone is so scared of clowns."
[501] "The three unwritten rules of life1.\n\n2.\n\n3."
[502] "Why do North Koreans draw lines so well?They have a Supreme Ruler."
[503] "What is a pirate's least favorite letter?Dear Sir/Ma'am,\n\nWe are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:\n\nIllegal Downloading"
[504] "I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sexSometimes I could hear it two blocks away"
[505] "It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective."
[506] "Jack, a renown atheist, dies...... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.\n\nCompletely shocked he talks to the devil and says: \"Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith\"\n\nSatan laughs and replies: \"Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself\"\n\nHe then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other \"damned\" live.\n\nAs they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, request that's always granted by the two.\n\nEvery time they stop to a house Satan never fails to display how much of a lovely guy he really is by telling amazing stories, singing, cracking jokes and just generally being a great person.\n\nAt sunset the devil sees that Jack was very tired and decides to show him the house he'll be spending the rest of eternity into.\n\nAs they walk to Jack's new house the two pass close to a huge wall and Jack asks: \"What's behind there?\"\n\nSatan: \"Oh, nothing that should concern you, pay it no mind\"\n\nDespite his curiosity Jack thought better not to bother Satan with further questions and just followed him to his new house where Satan promised he'd be back the following morning to show him the recreational center before finally bidding him a goodnight after a long day.\n\nThat night however Jack kept thinking back at the whole situation he's in and how surreal everything was until his thoughts eventually jumped to the wall he saw earlier in the day.\n\nAfter a few minutes trying to guess what could there be behind that wall that Satan couldn't even tell him he decided he should investigate, as such he took a deep breath and dived into the night walking back to the place where the wall was.\n\nOnce there he searched for some clues until he saw some faint light coming from a spot in the wall; upon closer inspection he saw that there was a hole and the light was coming from behind the wall.\n\nJack took a deep breath and scrounged up the courage to look into the crack on the wall and what he saw was a spectacle much alike what he always thought hell would be.\n\nOn the other side of the wall huge flames were scattered all over a burnt and scalding hot ground and much to his horror he saw other souls inside that nightmare being eternally burned and never consuming, screaming and pleading for help.\n\nJack rushed back into his place where he just quietly sobbed and cried all night for he was sure now that the Devil was just toying with him to give him a bit of hope right before tossing him into eternal despair.\n\nThe following morning Satan showed up once again and told Jack to come with him.\n\nJack pleaded: \"PLEASE! PLEASE! Don't take me to hell, I'll do anything just let me stay here, I don't wanna burn for all eternity!\"\n\nSatan: \"What are you talking about??? I'm just gonna show you the recreational center like I told you yesterday\"\n\nJack: \"Don't lie to me, I saw what was going on behind the giant wall!\"\n\nSatan: \"Ooooh you saw that! Don't worry that's not for you, that's the Christian hell\"\n\nJack: \"The christian hell? Why would the christian hell be like that?\"\n\nSatan: \"I don't know either man, they just want it that way\"\n\nEDIT: sorry to those who didn't like it, love ya all r/jokes and thanks for the gold.\n\nEDIT2: Sort by controversial."
[507] "Damn girl are you a newspaper?Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day"
[508] "Iâ\200\231m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasmIf you canâ\200\231t come, let me know "
[509] "What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they donâ\200\231t know either."
[510] "On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.\n\nWhen the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.\n\nAnd now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.\n\nI'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah."
[511] "3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do?They throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter."
[512] "Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order."
[513] "â\200œI love my job!â\200\235 exclaimed the farmer. â\200œAll you do is boss me around all day!â\200\235 complained one of his sheep. â\200œWhat did you say?â\200\235 challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...\n\nâ\200œYou herd me.â\200\235"
[514] "A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.\n\n\"What's up?\" he says.\n\n\"I'm having a heart attack,\" cries the woman.\n\nHe rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,\"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!\"\n\nThe guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.\n\nâ\200œYou rotten bastard,\" says the husband,\"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!â\200\235"
[515] "I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.I guess I just lost interest in that relationship."
[516] "Genders are like the Twin TowersThere used to be two of them and now its a really sensitive subject."
[517] "My wife is turning 32 soon...\nIâ\200\231ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. â\200œAfter all,â\200\235 I said, â\200œThe celebrations are only going to last half a minute.â\200\235\n\nâ\200œWhat are you talking about?â\200\235 she asked.\n\nI said, â\200œItâ\200\231s your thirty-second birthday.â\200\235"
[518] "How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?Thirteen. But number nine will shock you."
[519] "A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation roomHe says to the police officer, \"I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present.\" \n\n\"You are the lawyer,\" says the policeman. \n\n\"Exactly, so where's my present?\""
[520] "I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety...before I got arrested I said \"wait I can explain everything"
[521] "What does gay mean?asked a son to his father.\n\n\"It means 'happy,'\" the father answered.\n\n\"Oh,\" replied the son, \"so are you gay, then?\"\n\n\"No, son, I have a wife.\""
[522] "A man notices his wifeâ\200\231s butt is getting big...â\200œI bet your butt is as big as my grill.â\200\235\n\nHis wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that theyâ\200\231re about the same size.\n\nThat night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. â\200œNot tonight,â\200\235 says his wife.\n\nHe asks her why not, to which she responds, â\200œDo you really think Iâ\200\231m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?â\200\235"
[523] "A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, \"rabbi! What are you doing!\" The rabbi says, \"in *my* community, they recognise me by my face.\""
[524] "A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.\n\"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants.\"\n\"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?\"\n\"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'\"\n"
[525] "Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He's a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock...Who's there?\n\nCows go.\n\nCows go who?\n\nNo idiot... Cows go moo!"
[526] "Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of godGod:\"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish.\"\n\nHitler:\"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man.\"\n\nGod:\"Why the Swedish man?\"\n\nHitler:\"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews.\""
[527] "Itâ\200\231s very rare that a defibrillator fails.But when it happens no one is shocked."
[528] "Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.Man: I see. Is that one word or two?"
[529] "Why was the anti-vaxxerâ\200\231s 3 year old crying?They were having a mid-life crisis.\n\n\nEdit: thank you to the kind soul that gifted me gold!"
[530] "What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?Dear Sir or Madam,\n\nYour IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.\n\n​\n\nSincerely,\n\n​\n\nThe Internet Provider"
[531] "An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: â\200œThat took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didnâ\200\231t even see me.â\200\235\nâ\200œThatâ\200\231s just simple thievery,â\200\235 the Irishman replied. â\200œIâ\200\231ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.â\200\235\n\nThe Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: â\200œSir, I want to show you a magic trick.â\200\235 The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.\n\nThe Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: â\200œOkay my friend, whereâ\200\231s the magic trick?â\200\235\n\n\nThe Irishman then said: â\200œLook in the Englishmanâ\200\231s pockets.â\200\235"
[532] "I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.That priest is in prison now."
[533] "What do you call children born in whorehouses?Brothel sprouts \n\n\n\nEdit: thanks for the gold kind stranger! "
[534] "A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.\n\nSo the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, \"You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping.\" The blind man replies, \"If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the fucking bus.\n\nEdit: removed stupid wording."
[535] "Trump said...Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a criminal president under constant federal investigation from day one.\n\nTurns out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I'm stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one.\n\nThis isn't my joke, but I never saw it on Reddit before. I don't know the source."
[536] "I like my women like I like my whiskey.12 years old and mixed up with coke.\n\nDisclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke."
[537] "Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night. "
[538] "A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...\n.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.\nThe widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. \nShe gives the mortician a blank check and says, \"I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.\"\nThe woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.\nShe says to the mortician, \"Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?\"\nTo her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.\n\"There's no charge,\" he says.\n\"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!\" she says.\n\"Honestly, ma'am,\" the mortician says, \"it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.\n\"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads\""
[539] "A man is walking through a graveyard when he sees another man squatting next to a grave. \"Morning!\" he calls out.\"No, just having a shit!\""
[540] "The only thing Flat-Earthers fearIs sphere itself. "
[541] "How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?Why does it have to be a group activity?"
[542] "Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke hereHim: Knock, knock\n\nMe: Who's there?\n\nHim: Idiot\n\nMe: Idiot who?\n\nHim: IDIOT YOU!!\n\nHe probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this\n\nEDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet loved his joke!\n\nEDIT: Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger"
[543] "Im surprised that Roy Moore wants a recount; a large gap in numbers had never bothered him before.Get it?\n\n\n\nEdit: I'm not removing the \"Get it?\" Part.\n\nThicc Sauce is Andre Segers\n\nAnother Edit: thanks for making \"Get It\" a meme <3"
[544] "Weinstein didnâ\200\231t kill himselfSorry just practicing"
[545] "Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said \"This isn't working I'm going to my mum's\"\nI opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about."
[546] "A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. â\200œYou have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.â\200\235\n\nThe teacher thinks for a moment and says, â\200œFor my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.â\200\235 Poof! The jewels appear. \n\nâ\200œFor my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.â\200\235 Poof! The karma appears. \n\nThe genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. â\200œI can give you anything in the world,â\200\235 he says again. \n\nThe teacher thinks for a long time. â\200œAs a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote â\200\230lambâ\200\231 instead of â\200\230lamp.â\200\231 Please correct my mistake.â\200\235\n\nThe genie moaned in anguish. â\200œThis is Reddit,â\200\235 he shouted. Once you post it, you canâ\200\231t edit the title.\n\nâ\200œIn that case,â\200\235 the teacher smiled, â\200œIt looks like Iâ\200\231ve got myself a genie for eternity.â\200\235"
[547] "Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began itTrying to get into smaller pants"
[548] "My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...\nI did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?"
[549] "Man wakes up in a slum with no memory of how he got there.He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.\n\n\"You're in the afterlife!\" he tells the man, \"But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here.\"\n\nAll of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.\n\nThe beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. \"That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there.\"\n\nSo the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.\n\n\"What are the odds?\" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. \"That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line.\" The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.\n\nWhile he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, \"The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!\"\n\nSadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.\n\nAnd wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. \"Come,\" the beggar told him, \"I'll take you to the evening meal.\" So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. \"That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line,\" and then he added, \"and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!\"\n\nThe man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. \"What is it,\" he thought, \"that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?\" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.\n\nFifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.\n\nThe beggar laughed jovially. \"I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!\" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.\n\nSmiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. \"That's the line for the dragon meat,\" he said before turning to the next line, \"and that's the line for angeldust stew,\" then he paused, confused.\n\n\"What is it?\" the man asked his old friend.\n\nThe beggar replied, \"There appears to be no punchline.\"\n"
[550] "eBay is so uselessI tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches"
[551] "â\200œWaitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?â\200\235Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] ...â\200œThe men I please are none of your damn business!â\200\235"
[552] "Hey girl are you a newspaper?Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day"
[553] "Why haven't Aliens visited our Solar System yet? ...They looked at the reviews...\nOnly 1 star."
[554] "When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa...The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad"
[555] "If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks....Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined."
[556] "Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: YesMe: I fucked your sister"
[557] "Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers legYou can actually hear them say \"what the fuck are you doing?\n\n"
[558] "A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now.\n\nThe father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says \"that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian.\"\n\nThe two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says \"that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian.\"\n\nThe three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud \"dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian.\"\n\nGod's voice booms down \"that's funnyâ\200¦\""
[559] "Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today. "
[560] "What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?Arrr Kelly!\n\n"
[561] "A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: \"Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer\".\n\nLater that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:\n\n\"Dave, is that you?\"."
[562] "Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank,Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world."
[563] "A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penisHis doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.\n\n\"Good heavens!\" she remarks \"I always wondered how you reloaded those things!\""
[564] "Forget everything you learned in college...'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'\n\n'But I never went to college.'\n\n'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'"
[565] "I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl.It's 14."
[566] "11 MinutesA cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known loverâ\200\231s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.\n\nThe cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.\nThen he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driverâ\200\231s window.\n\nThe young man lowers his window. â\200œUh, yes, officer?â\200\235\n\nThe cop says: â\200œWhat are you doing?â\200\235\n\nThe young man says: â\200œWell Officer, Iâ\200\231m reading a magazine.â\200\235\n\nPointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: â\200œAnd her, what is she doing?â\200\235\n\nThe young man shrugs: â\200œSir, I believe sheâ\200\231s knitting a pullover sweater.â\200\235\n\nNow, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Loverâ\200\231s laneâ\200¦ and nothing obscene is happening!\n\nThe cop asks: â\200œWhatâ\200\231s your age, young man?â\200\235 \n\nThe young man says â\200œIâ\200\231m 22, sir.â\200\235\n\nThe cop asks: â\200œAnd herâ\200¦whatâ\200\231s her age?â\200\235\n\nThe young man looks at his watch and replies: \n\nâ\200œSheâ\200\231ll be 18 in 11 minutes.â\200\235"
[567] "A Nazi walks into a bar...A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.\nBarman, he says, \"A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there.\"\n\nAs everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. \nThe Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar\n\n\"Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf\"\nNazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before\n\n\"Is that Jew a complete fool or what?\" he asks the barman\nBartender responds: \"Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar\"\n\n\n\n\nEdit:\nWow Silver and gold, thanks so much guys ðŸ\230\200"
[568] "A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.\n\n&#x200B;\n\n\"What's that gong for?\" the friend asks him.\n\n&#x200B;\n\n\"It's not a gong,\" the drunk replies. \"It's a talking clock.\"\n\n&#x200B;\n\n\"How does it work?\"\n\n&#x200B;\n\nThe guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nSuddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, \"For God's sake, you asshole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!\""
[569] "If I'm ever on life support, unplug me... Then plug me back in, see if that works. "
[570] "The new sex position is called Brexit:It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:"
[571] "I canâ\200\231t believe that youâ\200\231ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,â\200\235 my wife screamed at me.â\200œI canâ\200\231t believe that youâ\200\231ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,â\200\235 my wife screamed at me. â\200œIâ\200\231m really disappointed.â\200\235 â\200œYou can hardly blame me,â\200\235 I answered. â\200œItâ\200\231s not like I was getting any from you.â\200\235 â\200œWell, thatâ\200\231s your own fault,â\200\235 she replied. â\200œYou never told me you were willing to pay for it.â\200\235"
[572] "What I if told youYou read the title wrong"
[573] "We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.Donâ\200\231t get me wrong, I empathize with her. Iâ\200\231ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules."
[574] "Your essays should be like a girls skirt.Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and on the desk by Friday midnight."
[575] "Once upon a time there lived a ravishing Queen with huge tits..Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. \n\nOne day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. \n\nWithout pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. \n\nThe next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. \n\nUpon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.\n\nThe King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. \n\nHoratio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.\n\nUpon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.\n\nThe next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.\n\n\n\nEdit: Thanks for the silver, kind stranger!"
[576] "I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\nMy lighthouse, my rules."
[577] "If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?**Ag**stralia\n\nEdit: don't bother traveling; lots of silver and gold here."
[578] "I scared the postman today by going to the door completely nakedâ\200¦Iâ\200\231m not sure what freaked him out more â\200“ my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived."
[579] "Why was 6 afraid of 7?6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.\nBut when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.\n6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling.\nSome were considered prime suspects in 9â\200\231s death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well. \n6 snuck into 7â\200\231s house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly improper position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9â\200\231s body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal... 7 8 9.\n6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows... And promptly solve his problem."
[580] "What did Raichu say when it saw PikachuRaichu"
[581] "I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me..."
[582] "What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?I can get through a Jimmy Fallon sketch without laughing. "
[583] "Best knock knock joke ever..Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.\n\nOne night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, \"Was I getting in or out of the bath?\"\n\nThe 94 year old yells back, \"I don't know, I'll come up and see.\" He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, \"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?\"\n\nThe 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, \"I sure hope I never get that forgetful.\" He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, \"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.\""
[584] "Got my girlfriend a \"get better soon\" cardShe isn't sick, I just think she can get better"
[585] "A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work...Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.\n\nThe woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.\n\nThe little boy says, \"Dark in here.\"\n\nThe man says, \"Yes, it is.\"\n\nBoy - \"I have a baseball.\"\n\nMan - \"That's nice.\"\n\nBoy - \"Want to buy it?\"\n\nMan - \"No, thanks.\"\n\nBoy - \"My dad's outside.\"\n\nMan - \"OK, how much?\"\n\nBoy - \"$150\" \n\nMan - \"Sold.\"\n\nIn the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.\n\nBoy - \"Dark in here.\"\n\nMan - \"Yes, it is.\"\n\nBoy - \"I have a Wilson infielder's glove.\"\n\nThe lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,\"How much?\"\n\nBoy - \"$350\"\n\nMan - \"Highway robbery. Sold.\"\n\nA few days later, the father says to the boy, \"Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch.\"\n\nThe boy says, \"I can't, I sold my ball and my glove.\"\n\nThe father asks, \"How much did you sell them for?\"\n\nThe boy says, \"$500\" The father says, \"That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.\"\n\nThey go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.\n\nThe boy says, \"Dark in here.\"\n\nThe priest says, \"Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now.\""
[586] "How does a Flat Earther travel the world?on a plane"
[587] "How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?They stopped releasing anything worth listening to."
[588] "A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sidesA perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.\n\n\nThe kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire. \n\n\nThe night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night. \n\n\nIn the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight. \n\n\nThe next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom. \n\n\nAnd it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides. \n\n\n"
[589] "Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.Iâ\200\231m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives. "
[590] "We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.I have no idea who let her into my office."
[591] "The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them \"Scraps\". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.\n\n&#x200B;\n\n(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)\n\n(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)"
[592] "A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.He wakes up as heâ\200\231s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.\n\nâ\200œAm I in heaven?â\200\235 asks the disoriented priest.\n\nâ\200œNoâ\200\235 says one of the nurses. â\200œWeâ\200\231re just taking a short cut through the childrenâ\200\231s ward.â\200\235"
[593] "A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.\n\n\"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn,\" says the Farm Owner.\n\nThe Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.\n\n\"I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me.\"\n\n\"No problem,\" says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. \"There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings.\"\n\n\"I will go then, friends,\" says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig."
[594] "50 shades of grey\\#4e5054, #272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676"
[595] "A man goes into a brothelHe says to the madam, \"Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house.\" \n\nShe says, \"The worst...? For $100 you can have the *best* blow-job in the house!\" \n\nHe says, \"No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick.\""
[596] "A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnantA couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant \n...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow. \n'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a candle for you,' he promises. \nTime passes and the priest returns to the little town after 10 years. The first thing he does is visit the couple's home. He can hear a crazy loud noise when he knocks on the door. The wife opens the door; three little children on her arms, a couple of them hiding under her skirt, and others behind her playing around. The priest counts as many as ten of them! \n'Well this is quite a pleasant surprise,' exclaims the priest. 'It seems like God listened to my prayer. But where is your dear husband?' \n'My husband traveled to Rome,' says the wife with a tired look on her face. \n'To Rome? Why on earth would he go to Rome?' \n'To blow out that bloody candle you lit!'"
[597] "What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?You only need one nail to hang the picture up."
[598] "I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle"
[599] "\"Forget everything you learned in college...\"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.\"\n\n\"But I never went to college.\"\n\n\"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.\"\n"
[600] "Boy aged 4: Dad, Iâ\200\231ve decided to get married.Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!\n\nBoy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and sheâ\200\231s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!\n\nDad: Thatâ\200\231s nice, but we have a small problem there!\n\nBoy: What problem?!\n\nDad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!\n\nBoy: Why not?! You married mine!\n\nEdit - thanks kind strangers for the awards! I have never gotten them before so thanks!"
[601] "What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during masturbation?His ears."
[602] "The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed."
[603] "A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.\"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18\", says the bartender."
[604] "An Australian goes to new ZealandAn Australian goes to new Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone."
[605] "My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, \"No, it's my first time.\"\n\nShe took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.\n\nI still looked confused.\n\nShe looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was. \n\n\"Just a minute.\" she said and locked the door.\n\nShe led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.\n\n\"You like these?\"\n\nI could only nod my head.\n\nShe said to put the condom on.\n\nAs I was putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down.\n\n\"Come on.\" she said. \"We don't have much time.\"\n\nSo I climbed on her.\n\nIt was so amazing that I couldn't hold back and KAPOW! I was done in two minutes!\n\nShe looked at me concerned and asked, \"Did you put the condom on?\"\n\nI said, \"I sure did!\"\n\n...and held up my thumb to show her."
[606] "Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on mars?Because if he chose SpaceY heâ\200\231d land on 14 year old boys. "
[607] "My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.â\200œYouâ\200\231re coming home now!â\200\235 she screamed.\n\nâ\200œNo, Iâ\200\231m not,â\200\235 I laughed.\n\nShe said, â\200œIâ\200\231m talking to the kids.â\200\235"
[608] "I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be \"saved\" or else you'll \"burn\"Stupid firemen\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\nEdit: deleted award edit cuz I'm dumb"
[609] "To the guy who hacked my Reddit account.I swear to God I'm going to find you.\n\nEDIT: No you won't."
[610] "My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-EartherHe says the correct term is bulldozer operator."
[611] "How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.\n\n(Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)\n\n(Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)"
[612] "Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?Doctor : Let me tell you a story: \"There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!\n\nGuy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..\n\nDoctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.."
[613] "What's a pirate's least favorite letter?Dear sir,\n\nYour internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.\n\nSincerely, your service provider."
[614] "If i had $1 for every girl that didn't find me attractive.... they would eventually find me attractive"
[615] "If your phone auto corrects \"fuck\" to \"duck,\" it's okay to keep itIt's still fowl language"
[616] "My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.\n\n\"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep one?\"\n\nThe shepherd has hundreds of sheep and feels confident enough to agree. The redhead looks over the flock and says, \"361.\" The shepherd is stunned that she guessed correctly but, being a man of his word, allows her to pick out her favorite. The redhead is about to put her new pet in her car when the shepherd calls out to her. \n\n\"Hey Lady! If I can guess your real hair color, may I have my dog back?\"\n\n&nbsp;\n\nMy sister was not amused."
[617] "â\200œFather, do you have anything to declare?â\200\235A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, â\200œFather, may I ask a favor?â\200\235\n\nâ\200œOf course you may. What can I do for you?â\200\235\n\nâ\200œWell, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and Iâ\200\231m afraid that theyâ\200\231ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?â\200\235\n\nâ\200œI would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.â\200\235\n\nâ\200œWith your honest face, Father, no one will question you.â\200\235\n\nWhen they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, â\200œFather, do you have anything to declare?â\200\235\n\nâ\200œFrom the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.â\200\235\n\nThe Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, â\200œAnd what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?â\200\235\n\nâ\200œI have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.â\200\235\n\nRoaring with laughter, the Officer said, â\200œGod bless you, Father, go ahead.â\200\235"
[618] "I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...\n\n\"Dear, Dad.\n\nIt is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.\n\nI had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.\n\nI've been finding real passion with Stacy.\n\nShe is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.\n\nBut it's not only the passion, Dad.\n\nShe's pregnant.\n\nStacy said that we will be very happy.\n\nShe owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.\n\nWe share a dream of having many more children.\n\nStacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.\n\nWe'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.\n\nIn the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.\n\nShe sure deserves it!\n\nDon't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.\n\nSomeday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.\n\nLove, your son, Joshua.\n\nP.S. Dad, none of the above is true.\n\nI'm over at Jason's house.\n\nI just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.\n\nCall when it is safe for me to come home!\""
[619] "Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a yearToday's going to be great!"
[620] "My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...So I told her she was the only one I had been with!\n\nThe others were all eights and nines."
[621] "I like my women like I like my coffeeI've never had coffee but it smells really nice"
[622] "This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, \"You've got to make love to me this very moment!\" My eyes lit up and I thought, \"This is my lucky day!\"\n\nNot wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!\n\nAfterwards she said, \"Thanks.\" and returned to the stove.\n\nMore than a little puzzled, I asked, \"What was that all about?\"\n\nShe giggled, \"The egg timer's broken.\""
[623] "Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counterThe man at the counter asked the older boy, \"Son, how old are you?\"\n\n\"Eight\" the boy replied.\n\nThe man continued, \"Do you know what these are used for?\"\n\nThe boy replied, \"Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either\""
[624] "I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'"
[625] "9 months later!!!\nJohn decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. \n\nAfter driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm\nand asked the attractive lady who answered the \ndoor if they could spend the night. \n\n'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have\nthis huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors \nwill talk if I let you stay in my house.' \n\n'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in \nthe barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. \n\nCome morning, the weather had cleared, and they \ngot on their way. \nThey enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.\n\nBut about nine months later, John got an \nunexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined \nthat it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. \n\nHe dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, \ndo you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about\n9 months ago?' \n\n'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.\n\n'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' \n\n'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed \nabout being found out,'I have to admit that I did.' \n\n'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'\n\nKeith's face turned beet red and he said,\n'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why \ndo you ask?' \n\n\nShe just died and left me everything.'\n\n\n\n(And you thought the ending would be different!)"
[626] "A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly run out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw. After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isn't a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.\n\nBefore he is allowed to leave, he is given the \"You didn't see anything\" talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw. The Air Force fuels up the man's plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way. \n\nLater that day, the man's plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people in the plane. When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again. As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells: \"Do whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night.\" "
[627] "Iâ\200\231m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.But cocaine is where I draw the line."
[628] "So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, \"No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel.\" The second barber turned to Barack and said, \"How about you, Mr. Obama ?\" Barack replied, \"Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like.\""
[629] "Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, \"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.\"\"Odd,\" her companion replies, \"but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.\" Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. \"Two dogs, please,\" she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their \"dogs.\" One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, \"What part did you get?\""
[630] "Yo mama so ugly...Her blowjob counts as anal."
[631] "Did you hear about the drummer who gave all his daughters the same name?Anna 1\nAnna 2\nAnna 3\nAnna 4"
[632] "My wife said she wanted just one child of each genderI told her \"how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation.\""
[633] "My last relationship ended because I didnâ\200\231t open the car door for her.Instead I just swam for the surface. "
[634] "Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each otherâ\200¦â\200¦the NSA will finally read it."
[635] "Tom's scrotum The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.\n\nSuzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.\n\nShe said, \"I have a praise.\n\nTwo months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.\"\n\n(You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)\n\n\"Tom was unable to hold me or the children,\" she went on, \"and every move caused him terrible pain.\"\n\nWe prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.\"\n\n(Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.)\n\n\"Now,\" she announced in a quivering voice, \"thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.\"\n\n(All the men sighed with unified relief.)\n\nThe pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.\n\nA man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium.\n\nHe said, \"I'm Tom Smith.\" The entire congregation held its breath.\n\n\"I just want to tell my wife -- the word is sternum.\""
[636] "I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukakke party.Everyone came, you should have seen her face. "
[637] "In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50.These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."
[638] "Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that Iâ\200\231m going for a jog, and then I donâ\200\231t.Itâ\200\231s my longest running joke of the year."
[639] "A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.\n\nSo they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.\n\n When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and starts sucking on it. The barteneder forgetting that they had not payed yet thinks something else is going on so he kicks them out. \n\nThey repeat this for around 15 more bars and are hammered.\nThen the first guy says \"damn my back hurts from bending over so much!\" \nThe second says \"you think that's bad? I lost the sausage 7 bars ago\""
[640] "In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...\n\nAs the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.\n\n Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. \n\nAgain, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't! \n\nSo, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. \n\nWith a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.\n\nAbout this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. \n\nWell, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, \"How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!\"\n\nAt this, the Texan drawled, \"Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends.\""
[641] "A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. \"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?\"\n\nThe first guy answers, \"That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!\" The policeman says, \"Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile.\"\n\nSlightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, \"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?\"\n\nThe second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, \"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!\"\n\nThe policeman angrily responds, \"What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?\"\n\nExtremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, \"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, \"Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.\"\n\nThe third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, \"the suspect wears contact lenses.\"\n\nThe policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. \n\n\"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that.\" He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.\n\n\"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?\"\n\n\"That's easy,\" the third guy replied.\" He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.\""
[642] "My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said \"bless you\"Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that."
[643] "The UK Prime Minister just announced her resignation.This is not surprising. It is the end of May, after all."
[644] "I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, \"Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.\"\n\nHe considered that for a moment before replying, \"Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States.\""
[645] "A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joeâ\200\231s house and said, â\200\230Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.â\200\231\n\nJoe replied, â\200\230Well, then just give me my money back.â\200\231\n\nThe farmer said, â\200\230Canâ\200\231t do that. Iâ\200\231ve spent it already.â\200\231\n\nJoe said, â\200\230Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.â\200\231\n\nThe farmer asked, â\200\230What ya gonna do with it?\n\nJoe said, â\200\230Iâ\200\231m going to raffle him off.â\200\231\n\nThe farmer said, â\200\230You canâ\200\231t flog a dead horse!â\200\231\n\nJoe said, â\200\230Sure I can, Watch me. I just wonâ\200\231t tell anybody heâ\200\231s dead.â\200\231\n\nA month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, â\200\230What happened with that dead horse?â\200\231\n\nJoe said, â\200\230I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £5 apiece and made a profit of £2495.â\200\231\n\nThe farmer said, â\200\230Didnâ\200\231t anyone complain?â\200\231\n\nJoe said, â\200\230Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back.â\200\231"
[646] "A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, \"Get the fuck out of my cab.\"He walked all the way to the airport and got home. \n\nSome times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.\n\n He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.\n\n There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. \n\nHe stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.\n\n So, he gets in the first cab. \n\n\"How much is it to the airport?\" he asks. \n\nThe driver says, \"$15.\" \n\n\"Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?\" \n\nThe cab driver says, \"Get the fuck out of my cab.\" \n\nSo he goes to the next one and asks the same thing.\n\n \"How much to airport?\" \n\n\"$15.\" \n\n\"Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?\" \n\nAnd that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab.\n\n He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out.\n\n He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.\n\n He asks, \"Hey how much to the airport?\"\n\n Driver responds, \"$15.\" \n\n\nThe guy hands him $15 and says, \"Great let's go!\" \n\nAnd so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up."
[647] "An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, \"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess\".\nHe bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.\nThe frog spoke up again and said, \"If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week\".\nThe engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.\nThe frog then cried out, \"If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want\".\nAgain, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.\nFinally, the frog asked, \"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?\"\nThe engineer said, \"Look , I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool\"."
[648] "My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the \"telephone\" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...I pulled out my iPhone and said, \"That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!\""
[649] "2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says \"hi\", first.Neither, they're both stuck up cunts."
[650] "My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.\n"
[651] "I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore."
[652] "Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.\nThe beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.\n\nEmbarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. Then all the other bells started to ring."
[653] "A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?''Of course child. What may I do for you?' \n\nâ\200\230Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'\n\n'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'\n\n'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'\n\nWhen they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'\n\n'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'\n\nThe official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'\n\n'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'"
[654] "Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?She wanted to see the task manager."
[655] "I got thrown out of math class today.The teacher asked me \"If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?\"\n\nApparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...\n\n\nEDIT: Holy, this blew up fast. Kind of like when the teacher gives me $20, but less sticky, and I don't have that overwhelming sense of guilt.\n\nNo wait... There it is."
[656] "The saying \"say no to drugs\" has always made me laugh.If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them. "
[657] "Kung Fu student asks his teacher \"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated.\n\n And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: \"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?\" \n\n\"Yes, my master, I have.\" \n\n\"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?\"\n\n \"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it.\"\n\n \"And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?\"\n\n \"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon.\" \n\n\"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training.\""
[658] "Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen."
[659] "My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9! \n\nThat's the best I've done so far."
[660] "Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an \"i\" in it.Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an 'i' in it.\n\nJohnny: I is...\n\nTeacher: No, Johnny, when you say 'i', it should be followed by 'am'\n\nJohnny: Okay, I am the 9th letter of the alphabet\n"
[661] "Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing...It's always, \"Is Pepsi okay?\""
[662] "George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...George Clooney said, \"I'll direct.\" \n\nDicaprio said, \"I'll produce.\" \n\nAnd Matthew McConaughey said, \"I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.\""
[663] "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.\"I know he means well."
[664] "Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eatThen I remember they feed off of attention."
[665] "I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MBThat was a trip down memory lane"
[666] "For every upvote this gets, my girlfriend and I will try one thrust of anal sex.Please don't upvote. Her strap-on is huge.\n\n"
[667] "Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.\n\nThe Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.\n\nHowever, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.\n\nOn the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.\n\nThe Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.\n\nThe Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.\n\nNext, the Pope waved his finger around his head.\n\n The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.\n\nThe Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.\n\nThe Rabbi pulled out an apple.\n\nWith that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. \n\nThe Jews could stay in Italy!\n\nLater the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.\n\n The Pope said, \"First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!\"\n\nMeanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. \n\n\"I don't have a clue!!!\" the Rabbi said.\n\n\"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here.\"\n\n\"And then what?\" asked a woman.\n\n \"Who knows!!\" said the Rabbi. \"He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!\""
[668] "I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes \n\nFor the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.\n\nIt was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, \"You may now kiss the bride\", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.\n\nLater during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.\n\nAs we passed, they all said in unison, \"You may now kiss the bride!\" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.\n\nAs we walked away I asked, \"Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?\"\n\nMy wife answered,\n\n\"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!\""
[669] "Daughter: \"Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?\"Father: \"Ask your sister.â\200\235 \n\nDaughter: \"I don't have a si-\""
[670] "A manâ\200\231s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.\n\nThey have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.\n\nAfter theyâ\200\231ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, â\200œOh no, itâ\200\231s so late, my wifeâ\200\231s going to kill me.â\200\235 He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home.\n\nHis wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off.\nâ\200œWhere the hell have you been?!?!â\200\235\nâ\200œWell, honey, itâ\200\231s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.â\200\235\n\nShe sees his shoes are covered with grass and says, â\200œYou lying bastard!!!\nYouâ\200\231ve been fishing again!!!â\200\235 \n\nEdit: Thank you for the silver kind stranger, you like fishing huh?"
[671] "A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.As he walked to the door she yelled, \"I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.\"Â \n\nHe turned around and said, \"So, you want me to stay?\"\n"
[672] "Why was Yoda afraid of 7?Because 6, 7 8."
[673] "My wifeâ\200\231s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.Astonished, my wife asked her â\200œHow could you afford this?!â\200\235\n\nâ\200œYou know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,â\200\235 she replied.\n\nSurprised, my wife turned to me and winked, â\200œI think Iâ\200\231ll start doing that.â\200\235\n\nâ\200œMe too,â\200\235 I replied, turning to my sister in law. â\200œWhatâ\200\231s your husbandâ\200\231s number?â\200\235"
[674] "A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.\n\nThe old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, â\200œWhat kind of car ya got there, sonny?â\200\235\n\nThe doctor replies, â\200œA Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!â\200\235\n\nâ\200œThatâ\200\231s a lot of money,â\200\235 says the old man. â\200œWhy does it cost so much?â\200\235\n\nâ\200œBecause this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!â\200\235 states the doctor proudly.\n\nThe moped driver asks, â\200œMind if I take a look inside?â\200\235\n\nâ\200œNo problem,â\200\235 replies the doctor.\n\nSo the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.\n\nThen, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, â\200œThatâ\200\231s a pretty nice car, all right, but Iâ\200\231ll stick with my moped!â\200\235\n\nJust then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.\n\nHe floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.\n\nSuddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror â\200“ what it could beâ\200¦and suddenlyâ\200¦\n\nWHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!\n\nSomething whips by him going much faster!\n\nâ\200œWhat on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?â\200\235 the doctor asks himself.\n\nHe floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.\n\nThen, up ahead of him, he sees that itâ\200\231s the old man on the moped!\n\nAmazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.\n\nWHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!\n\nHeâ\200\231s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!\n\nAstounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.\n\nNot ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!\n\nThe Ferrari is flat out, and thereâ\200\231s nothing he can do!\n\nSuddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.\n\nThe doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.\n\nHe runs up to the mangled old man and says, â\200œOh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?â\200\235\n\nThe old man whispers, â\200œUnhook my suspenders from your side mirror.â\200\235"
[675] "A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.\n\nThe friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, \"That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian.\" So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. \n\nThey told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said \"That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian.\"\n\nSo the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians.\"\n\nThere is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, \"That's odd . . . \""
[676] "A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. \n\n\nThat night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. \"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!\" \n\n\nThe boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. \n\n\nA minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. \n\n\n10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. \n\n\nFinally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, \"I had no idea you were this religious.\" \n\n\nThe boy turns, and whispers back, \"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.\" "
[677] "My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civicâ\200¦But I refused. If Iâ\200\231m going to have sex, itâ\200\231s going to be on my own Accord."
[678] "No Nut November was pretty toughNow I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards."
[679] "Today I saw an ad that said \"radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.\"I thought, \"I can't turn that down.\""
[680] "my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing."
[681] "Two men are drinking in a barThey pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.\n\nThe bartender comes over and says \"you can't eat your own food in here\"\n\nSo they swapped sandwiches."
[682] "I've often heard that \"icy\" is the easiest word to spellLooking at it now, I see why"
[683] "Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...\n\nAt the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island...\n\nHe eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...\n\nOne night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.\n\nBut for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... \"What's wrong?\" Scarlett Johansson asked, \"Nothing...\" the guy would say...\n\nShe pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...\n\n\n\"Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?\"\n\n\n\"yes\" she said \"anything!\"\n\n\n\"ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore\"\n\n\n\"ok...\"\n\n\n\"now put this shirt on please, but first, \"tape\" your boobs so they are flat\"\n\n\n\"wha... ok, I'd say I'd do anything\" she said lovingly.\n\n\n\n\"ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it\"\n\n\nShe was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat.\n\n\"Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache\"\n\n\n\"ok... if this is what you want...\" she muttered.\n\n\n\"now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit\", he said a bit excited...\n\nShe started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: \"DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!\""
[684] "I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hidingI've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere."
[685] "Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.And thereâ\200\231s notre dame thing they can do about it."
[686] "After 3 years, the wife starts to think......that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test. \n\nShe finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.\n\nWife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you\n\nHusband: Whatâ\200\231s up?\n\nWife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.\n\nHusband: Well donâ\200\231t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diaper and you said, â\200œHoney, go change the baby, Iâ\200\231ll wait for you here.â\200\235"
[687] "Harry Potter has way too many characters...Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight. \n\nEdit: credit for u/zwankyy"
[688] "Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom...He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life\". Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around looks at him and says \"Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?\""
[689] "My mother handed me $20\"Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out until 2:00 while your father and I set up his surprise party.\"\n\nThat was the day I realized my brother was the favourite twin."
[690] "I have two conditions in my will...1) I want my remains spread around Disney World\n\n2) I do not want to be cremated "
[691] "My son came home as I was taking his door off itâ\200\231s hinges and asked â\200œDad what are you doing?â\200\235\n\n\nâ\200œWeâ\200\231ve updated our privacy policyâ\200\235"
[692] "An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesnâ\200\231t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.\nThe English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.\n\nThe parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, â\200œMother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.â\200\235\n\nMy God,â\200\235 says his mother. â\200œYou can speak?â\200\235\n\nTo which the German boy replies, â\200œOf course.â\200\235\n\n\"How come you've never spoken before?â\200œ asks his father.\n\nâ\200œWell,â\200\235 says the boy, â\200œup until now, everything has been satisfactory.â\200\235"
[693] "6:30 is the best time on a clockhands down"
[694] "Slutty girls are like Wal-MartsEveryone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think \"Thank God these are here\""
[695] "In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent. \n\nChieftain: \"Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with my wife!\"\n\nThe doctor remains calm: \"The answer lies in the genetics. Some genetics have recessive traits, which are not apparent to the parents but may be passed on to the child. For example, last week one of your sheep gave birth to a black sheep.\" \n\nThe chieftain pauses for a thinking, then replies: \"I tell you what. You say no word about black sheep and I say no word about white child.\""
[696] "Dads of Reddit: Happy Father's Day...YOU MOTHER FUCKERS"
[697] "I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in the cageZookeeper said it was bread in captivity "
[698] "After my wife died I couldnâ\200\231t look at women for 20 yearsBut when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it "
[699] "Chinese takeout $20.00.. Gas to pick it up $10.00..Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers..\n\nRiceless"
[700] "Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..Call a girl fat once and sheâ\200\231ll always remember.\n\nBecause elephants never forget"
[701] "The last thing my grandfather said before he died was â\200œItâ\200\231s worth it to spend money on good speakers.â\200\235That was some sound advice."
[702] "Whats the rudest type of elf?A gofuckyourself.\n\nEDIT: thanks for exploding\n\n"
[703] "\"I love you lots snuggles\" said my girlfriend\"And I love you tons\" I replied.\n\"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?\" She said angrily.\nSometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf."
[704] "My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel."
[705] "My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, \"Which one do you want?\"I said I'd take either/oar."
[706] "When does a joke become a dad joke?When the punchline becomes apparent."
[707] "Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?LEFT WING DESTROYED"
[708] "Larry the Fighter PilotA teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: \"What do you want to be when you grow up?\"\n\nLittle Larry says: \"I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.\"\n\nThe teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson\n\n\"And how about you, Sarah?\"\n\n\"I wanna be Larry's whore\"\n\n"
[709] "A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says \"Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100.\"\n\nThe one says to the other, \"should we do it??\" The other says \"NO!! Are you crazy?\" The first guy replies \"Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it.\" So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says \"well, did you get the money?\" He replies \"Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??\""
[710] "I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass.He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says \"What the hell are you doing?\" and I said \"Having sex with my wife.\" He said \"I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife.\" and I said \"Neither did I till you shined a light on her.\""
[711] "I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching ChernobylAnd I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone."
[712] "A colon in a sentence can make a huge differenceFor example:\n\nJohnny ate his own lunch after school.\n\nJohnny ate his own colon after school."
[713] "What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage?\"Let us prey.\""
[714] "My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless."
[715] "I dont believe in hitting my children as punishmentSo i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead"
[716] "Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will\nuse twice a year"
[717] "My wife told me, â\200œIf anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.â\200\235Apparently, â\200œanythingâ\200\235 doesnâ\200\231t include getting stuck in traffic."
[718] "What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?Micro trans-action"
[719] "One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.\n\"I don't know what to do here,\" says the devil.\n\nâ\200œYou are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.\"\n\nDonald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.\n\nIn it, was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. Nixon kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.\n \nOver, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.\n\n\"No,\" Donald said. \"I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long.â\200\235\n\nThe devil led him to the door of the next room. In it, was Ronald Reagan with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.\n \nAll he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. \"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.â\200\235\n \nâ\200œI would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all dayâ\200\235, commented Donald.\n\nThe devil opened a third door.\n \nThrough it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose.\n \nBent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.\n \nDonald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, \"Yeah man, I can handle this.\"\n\nThe devil smiled and said, â\200œOkay: Monica, you're free to go.\"\n\nEdit: for those who keep bashing me for reposting: Iâ\200\231ve already stated that I donâ\200\231t use Reddit enough to know that. If you didnâ\200\231t like it, move on. Also, Iâ\200\231m Australian and donâ\200\231t know very much about American history: I just know about the punchline and thought that it was funny.\n\nAlso, thank you to those who were kind enough to give me my first gold and silver!"
[720] "A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house..A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house. To get him out of the house, they give him an ice pop and they tell him to sit on the front porch and shout out everything that he sees while they try to pull a quickie. Timmy starts to point everything out. \n\nâ\200œMailman stopped by.â\200\235 Timmy says. \n\nâ\200œThe Andersons are getting new furnitureâ\200\235 he calls out. \n\nâ\200œJacob got a new bike.â\200\235\n\nâ\200œOh look. Kevinâ\200\231s parents are having sex.â\200\235 Timmy says. \n\nThe dad shouts out from the bedroom, â\200œhow do you know theyâ\200\231re having sex?â\200\235 \n\nTimmy replies â\200œheâ\200\231s sitting out on the front porch with a popsicle.â\200\235\n\nEDIT: It blows my mind how many people are saying things like â\200œrepostâ\200\235 and â\200œkarma whoreâ\200\235 when I literally joined this sub just to post this joke after hearing it irl. I also barely post on reddit and could not care less about my karma"
[721] "My roommate says our house is hauntedI've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit."
[722] "A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.The man sitting next to him looks over and says, \"Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you.\"\n\nThe boy looks over and responds, \"My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five\".\n\nThe man replies, \"And he ate that much chocolate?\"\n\n\"No\" says the boy, \"But he minded his own fucking business.\"\n\n&#x200B;\n\nEDIT: Silver? Do you think I can be bought?! How dare you!\n\nEDIT: Is that gold? Well hello there fine sir."
[723] "Man says to his boss, \"Can we talk? I have a problem.\"Boss: \"Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!\"\n\nMan: \"Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity.\""
[724] "An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, \"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!\"\n\nThe girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: \"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.\"\n\n\"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.\" \"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?\"\n\nAt this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, \"You fuck her again.\""
[725] "A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!''Mmm?'\n\n'Not that many!'"
[726] "A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.\n\"What are you doing?!\" she asked.\n\n\n\"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work,\" the daughter-in- law answered.\n\n\n\"But you're naked!\" the mother-in-law exclaimed.\n\n\n\"This is my love dress,\" the daughter-in-law explained.\n\"Love dress? But you're naked!\"\n\n\n\"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress,\" she explained.\" It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me\".\n\n\nThe mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.\n\n\nFinally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.\n\n\n\"What are you doing?\" he asked.\n\n\n\"This is my love dress,\" she whispered sensually.\n\n\n\"Needs ironing\"..."
[727] "A couple ask their doctor to watch them have sex. The doctor asked, \"What can I do for you?\"\n\nThe man said, \"Will you watch us have sex?\"\n\nThe doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.\n\nWhen the couple finished, the doctor said, \"There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex,\" and charged them $50.\n\nThis happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.\n\nFinally, the doctor asked, \"Just exactly what are you trying to find out?\"\n\n\"We're not trying to find out anything,\" the husband replied.\n\"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare"
[728] "I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.It's my thirty-second birthday. "
[729] "A man is on trial for cannibalismA man is on trial for cannibalism.\nHe says to the judge,\n\n\"Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man.\""
[730] "Slutty girls are like Wal-MartsEveryone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think \"Thank God these are here\""
[731] "[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?Inmate: Itâ\200\231s bec..\n\nOfficer: Yes?\n\nInmate: I think I have..\n\nOfficer: Go on.\n\nInmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?\n\nOfficer: Sure. Parole denied."
[732] "65,000,011 years agoSome tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, \"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?\"\n\nThe guard replies, \"They are 65,000,011 years old.\"\n\n\"That's an awfully exact number,\" says the tourist. \"How do you know their age so precisely?\"\n\nThe guard answers, \"Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago.\""
[733] "I like my women like I like my slavesEducated and free."
[734] "I was talking to a scammer the other day. Me: â\200œHello.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œHello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œOh no. My device? Are you sure?â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œOh yes, we have many reports.â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œOh jeez. How can I fix it?â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œItâ\200\231s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œYes. I was just about to use it. Iâ\200\231m glad you called.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œYes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œI think it's already on.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œOkay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œI donâ\200\231t see that.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œDo you see a bunch of information above the Start button?â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œYes.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œThat is your Control Panel.â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œWow, I didnâ\200\231t realize it had a name.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œYes sir, now press on Internet Options.â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œYeah, I definitely donâ\200\231t see any Internet options. I donâ\200\231t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œThey all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œOK, itâ\200\231s the same as before.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œThatâ\200\231s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œUmmmâ\200¦I donâ\200\231t know how. Iâ\200\231ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œThere must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when itâ\200\231s running?â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œIn those cases, I usually press the big button.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œOK sir. Please press that button.â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œOk.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œIs your device off?â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œNo. The door popped open.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œDoor? Is there a disc inside the door?â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œNo, thereâ\200\231s a burrito.â\200\235\n\nNOT-Microsoft support: â\200œWhy is there a burrito in your computer?â\200\235\n\nMe: â\200œComputer? I thought you said this was microwave support.â\200\235"
[735] "A man finds out his wife is cheating on him...So he walks into a bar.\n\nThe bartender asks \"Why are you looking so blue?\"\n\nThe man replies \"I just found out my wife is cheating on me. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death. I'll have some whiskey please.\"\n\nThe bartender looks shocked and says \"I'm sorry, but I can't help you kill yourself.\"\n\nThe man asks \"Well what would you do in my situation?\"\n\nThe bartender thinks for a bit and says \"If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy.\"\n\nThe man jumps up from his stool and shouts \"That's a great idea! Thanks!\" and runs out of the bar.\n\nA couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous. Suddenly the man walks back into the bar with a big smile on his face.\n\n\"Did you kill the guy?\" The bartender asks nervously.\n\n\"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please.\""
[736] "The penguin joke (my favorite joke)\nOne day a Cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back.\n\nThe cop asks the man \"are those your penguins?\"\n\nThe man Says \"yes, they are my pets.\"\n\nThe cop replies to the man \"You need to take them to the zoo right now.\"\n\nSo the man agrees and drives off. The next day the cop pulls over the same van and he walks up to the window and sees the ten pengins all wearing sunglasses.\n\nThe cop says to the man \"I thought i told you to take those penguins to the zoo.\"\n\nThe man says \"I did, today we are going to the beach!\"\n"
[737] "Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince."
[738] "A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.\n\n\nâ\200œI want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, youâ\200\231ll have lost at least five pounds.â\200\235\n\n\nWhen the blonde returns, sheâ\200\231s lost nearly 20 pounds.\n\n\nâ\200œWow, thatâ\200\231s amazing!â\200\235 the doctor says.\n\n\nâ\200œDid you follow my instructions?â\200\235\n\n\nThe blonde nodsâ\200¦\n\n\nâ\200œIâ\200\231ll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day.\"\n\n\nâ\200œFrom hunger, you mean?â\200\235 said the doctor.\n\n\nâ\200œNo, from skipping,â\200\235 replied the blonde."
[739] "A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, \"I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?\" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.\n\nFinally, one man says, \"Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.\"\n\nHe figures the early tee-time will discourage her.\n\nThe woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.\n\nThey roll their eyes, but say, \"Okay.\"\n\nShe's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.\n\nShe's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.\n\nThey congratulate her and invite her back the next week.\n\nShe smiles, and says, \"I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.\"\n\nThe next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.\n\nOnly this time, she plays left-handed.\n\nThe three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.\n\nThey're totally amazed.\n\nThey can't figure her out.\n\nShe's very pleasant and a gracious winner.\n\nThey invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.\n\nThe third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.\n\nThis week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.\n\nThe men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.\n\nHowever, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.\n\nThis woman is a riddle no one can figure out.\n\nThey have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, \"How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?\"\n\nThe lady blushes, and grins. \"When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous.\" she replies. \"I like to switch back and forth.\"\n\n\"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.\"\n\nThe guys think this is hysterical.\n\nAstonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, \"What if it's pointing straight up?\"\n\nShe says, \"Then, I'm fifteen minutes late.\""
[740] "My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer."
[741] "Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says \"I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money.\" The second asks \"What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?\"\"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from.\""
[742] "My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.She was livid, \"what am I going to do with two dead dogs?\""
[743] "A teenage girl was having sex with her boyfriend...at her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them.\n\n\"Dad!\" she exclaimed in a panic \"...I'm sorry\"\n\nThe dad being, a dad, replies \"hi sorry, I'm Dad!\"\n\nHe then turns to the boyfriend and asks \"Are you fucking sorry?\""
[744] "A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:HUSBAND WANTED!\nMUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),\nMUST NOT BEAT ME,\nMUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,\nAND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!\nALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.\n\nOn the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, \"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!\" The old man smiled, \"Therefore I cannot run around on you!\"\n\nShe snorted. \"You don't have any hands either!\" Again the old man smiled, \"Nor can I beat you!\"\n\nShe raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. \"Are you still good in bed?\" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, \"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?\""
[745] "We'll We'll We'll...\n\n...if it isn't autocorrect..."
[746] "A London lawyer is drivingA London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense.\n\nIrish cop says,\"License and registration, please.\"\n\nLondon Lawyer says, \"What for?\"\n\nIrish cop says,\"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.\"\n\nLondon Lawyer says, \"I slowed down, and no one was coming.\"\n\nIrish cop says,\"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please\"\n\nLondon Lawyer says, \"What's the difference?\"\n\nIrish cop says, \"The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!\"\n\nLondon Lawyer says, \"If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.\"\n\nIrish cop says, \"Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.\"\n\nThe London Lawyer exits his vehicle.\n\nThe Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, \"Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? \"\n\nEdit: rip inbox \nEdit 2: OMG front page! Thank you!"
[747] "Boy: What's a palindrome?\nTeacher: racecar\n\n{10 years later}\n\nBoy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome\n\nGetaway driver: [sitting in kayak]"
[748] "A girl goes to a Church to confess.....Girl : \"Forgive me father for I have sinned.\"\n\n\nPriest : \"What have you done my child?\"\n\n\nGirl : \"I called a man a son of a bitch.\"\n\n\nPriest : \"Why did you call him a son of a bitch?\"\n\n\nGirl : \"Because he touched my hand.\"\n\n\nPriest : \"Like this?\" (as he touches her hand)\n\n\nGirl : \"Yes father.\"\n\n\nPriest : \"That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.\"\n\n\nGirl : \"Then he touched my breast.\"\n\n\nPriest : \"Like this?\" (as he touched her breast)\n\n\nGirl : \"Yes father.\"\n\n\nPriest : \"That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch.\"\n\n\nGirl : \"Then he took off my clothes, father.\"\n\n\nPriest : \"Like this?\" (as he takes off her clothes)\n\n\nGirl : \"Yes father.\"\n\n\nPriest : \"That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch.\"\n\n\nGirl : \"Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.\"\n\n\nPriest : \"Like this?\" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)\n\n\nGirl : \"YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!\"\n\n(after a few minutes)\n\n\nPriest : \"That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch.\"\n\n\nGirl : \"But father, he had AIDS!\"\n\n\nPriest : \"THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!\""
[749] "A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.\"How about having sex with a cat?\" asked the zoophile. \n\"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it,\" says the sadist. \n\"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it,\" shouted the murderer. \n\"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again,\" said the necrophile. \n\"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it,\" said the pyromaniac. \nSilence took over... and the masochist says: \"Meow.\""
[750] "After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an......I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:\n\n\"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence.\"\n\nOK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?"
[751] "Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this yearMust be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market "
[752] "Asian guy walks into a barHe sits down at the the bar and start drinking a beer. The guy next to him ask: you know kung fu or karate or any or this shit? The asian guy replies: why you ask this, is because I chinese? The other guy replies no itâ\200\231s because youâ\200\231re drinking my fucking beer. "
[753] "Why did the slave go to college?To pick up his master's degree."
[754] "How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?Why must it be a group activity?"
[755] "I told my son, â\200œYou will marry the girl I choose.â\200\235\nHe said, â\200œNO!â\200\235\n\nI told him, â\200œShe is Bill Gatesâ\200\231 daughter.â\200\235\n\nHe said, â\200œOK.â\200\235\n\nI called Bill Gates and said, â\200œI want your daughter to marry my son.â\200\235\n\nBill Gates said, â\200œNO.â\200\235\n\nI told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.â\200\235\n\nBill Gates said, â\200œOK.â\200\235\n\nI called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.\n\nHe said, â\200œNO.â\200\235\n\nI told him, â\200œMy son is Bill Gatesâ\200\231 son-in-law.â\200\235\n\nHe said, â\200œOK.â\200\235\n\nThis is how politics works."
[756] "If I won 298 million, I'd give a quarter of it to charity....I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though."
[757] "Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight trainAt around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:\n\n\"Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?\"\n\nThe woman answers:\n\n\"I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for one night, why don't pretend we are married?\"\n\nThe man, taken aback but enthusiastic replies:\n\n\"Yeah of course!\"\n\nAnd so the woman says:\n\n\"Good. Then fucking get it yourself you lazy ass.\""
[758] "Apparently you canâ\200\231t use â\200œbeefstewâ\200\235 as a password.Itâ\200\231s not stroganoff."
[759] "My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.After we broke up, she went fucking bananas."
[760] "A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, \"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.\"\n\n\"What?\" said the puzzled groom. \"How can that be if you've been married 10 times?\"\n\n\"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.\n\nHusband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.\n\nHusband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.\n\nHusband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.\n\nHusband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.\n\nHusband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.\n\nHusband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.\n\nHusband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.\n\nHusband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. \n\nHusband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!\n\nBut now that I've married you, I'm really excited!\" \n\n\"Good,\" said the new husband, \"but, why?\"\n\n\"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed.\""
[761] "Three people die and appear before BuddhaStunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.\n\n-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.\n\nOne of the people takes a step forward and speaks, seemingly troubled.\n\n-Benevolent Buddha, what more could I possibly do in my next life? I thought I lived and acted to the fullest. Because of my work almost the entirety of the earth's population will never starve.\n\n-My work was also to the extend of my abilities, says the 2nd one. Right now, the world I leave behind enters a revolutionary era were medicines can cure anything, such was my contribution.\n\n-My connections in life pushed all countries into an agreement of indefinite world peace, says the 3rd person.\n\n-I know all of your actions well. But that is still not enough. Here, let me show you a true example of someone who achieved everything that I ask for. They are waiting for the perfect reincarnation.\n\nThe three people now both curious and excited follow Buddha to a small building. Their jaws drop when they find just an ordinary person inside. So ordinary that not even a small detail on that person sparks the tiniest interest. Before the Buddha can say anything else they all rush towards him.\n\n-Impossible, yells the 1st person! Such a plain human being! You! What was your work during your earthly life?\n\n-Who? M-me? I only had two part time jobs, nothing else that I can remember. During the morning hours I worked in a small plantation. Fruits and vegetables.\n\n-You're joking! shouts the 2nd person. And the second job?\n\n-Oh...that one was a bit odd. My village had a signboard were people would post their ads, job offers etc. But because the signboard was old, those would sometimes come off. My job was to put them back in their place.\n\n-This is preposterous, yells the 3rd person! How could you possibly have amassed such an amount of karma with just those two insignificant jobs of yours?\n\n-W-well, I don't know what to tell you. But I've really done nothing else, just farming and reposting.\n\n(edit: obligatory editted thanks to the kind people who handed over silver & gold to my stupid joke)"
[762] "A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....The marine says, \"I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249.\" The Navy SEAL says, \"I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar.\" The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis."
[763] "If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?1GB"
[764] "A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. â\200œWow, this bed is big!â\200\235 â\200œEverything is bigger in Texas,â\200\235 says the bellhop.\n\nThe man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. â\200œWow these drinks are big!â\200\235\n\nThe bartender replies, â\200œEverything is big in Texas.â\200\235\n\nAfter downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. â\200œSecond door to the right,â\200\235 says the bartender.\n\nThe blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, â\200œDonâ\200\231t flush, donâ\200\231t flush!â\200\235"
[765] "My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.We now call him Dr. Awkward."
[766] "Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.I am thankful every day that I live in Canada."
[767] "I got pulled over by a female cop...When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said\n\"NOTHING\""
[768] "Six Lessons of Life**Lesson 1:**\n\nA man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, â\200œIâ\200\231ll give you $800 to drop that towel.â\200\235 After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.\n\nAfter a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,â\200¦\n\nâ\200œWho was that?â\200\235 â\200œIt was Bob the next door neighbour,â\200\235 she replies. â\200œGreat!â\200\235 the husband says, â\200œDid he say anything about the $800 he owes me?â\200\235\n\n*Moral of the story:*\n\nIf you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.\n\n&nbsp;\n\n**Lesson 2:**\n\nA sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, â\200œIâ\200\231ll give each of you just one wishâ\200\235 â\200œMe first! Me first!â\200\235 says the administration clerk. â\200œI want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.â\200\235 Poof! Sheâ\200\231s gone. â\200œMe next! Me next!â\200\235 says the sales rep. â\200œI want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.â\200\235 Poof! Heâ\200\231s gone. â\200œOK, youâ\200\231re up,â\200\235 the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, â\200œI want those two back in the office after lunch.â\200\235\n\n*Moral of the story:*\n\nAlways let your boss have the first say\n\n&nbsp;\n\n**Lesson 3:**\n\nA priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,â\200\235Father, remember Psalm 129?â\200\235 The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, â\200œFather, remember Psalm 129?â\200\235 The priest apologized â\200œSorry sister but the flesh is weak.â\200\235 Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, â\200œGo forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.â\200\235\n\n*Moral of the story:*\n\nIf you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity\n\n&nbsp;\n\n**Lesson 4**\n\nA crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, â\200\235Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?â\200\235 The crow answered: â\200œSure, why not.â\200\235 So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.\n\nA fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.\n\n*Moral of the story:*\n\nTo be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up\n\n&nbsp;\n\n**Lesson 5:**\n\nPower of Charisma\n\nA turkey was chatting with a bull â\200œI would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,â\200\235 sighed the turkey, but I havenâ\200\231t got the energy.â\200\235 â\200œWell, why donâ\200\231t you nibble on my droppings?â\200\235 replied the bull. â\200œTheyâ\200\231re packed with nutrients.â\200\235 The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.\n\n*Moral of the story:*\n\nBullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there\n\n&nbsp;\n\n**Lesson 6**\n\nA little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.\n\n*Moral of the story:*\n\n1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy\n\n2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend\n\n3. And when youâ\200\231re in deep shit, itâ\200\231s best to keep your mouth shut!\n\n&nbsp;\n\nEdit:\n\n1. Thanks for the Platinum/Gold/Silver kind strangers. This is my first time getting each of these and it happened in a single post.\n\n2. To all those people saying this is very old, yes, I did pull this out of my stash from 2012. So it is guaranteed older than that. But I have not seen it on reddit so thought of posting it.\n\n3. /u/The_Manic_Wolf_ found [something you guys might like](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajr6t5/six_lessons_of_life/eezolz9/)"
[769] "Science builds planes and skyscrapersbut faith brings them together."
[770] "If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planetBecause Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .\n\nP.S.A - Do recycle â\231»"
[771] "In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.\n\n"
[772] "A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar...A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.\n\n\"Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer.\"\n\n\"Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?\"\n\n\"Can't and will not serve to anyone under age.\"\n\n\"Fine. Well what other things do you have?\"\n\n\"Well for non-alcoholics I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?\"\n\n\"Pop.\" Goes the weasel."
[773] "A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 yearsThe straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says \"look who's a faggot now\""
[774] "Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing...It's always, \"Is Pepsi okay?\""
[775] "A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks â\200\230Why is the last one so cheap?â\200\231\"Because he used to live in a brothel\" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. \n \nWhen she gets home the parrot says: \"Fuck me, a new brothel!\" The woman laughs. \n\nWhen her daughters get home the parrot says: \"Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!\" The girls laugh too. \n\nWhen the dad gets home the parrot says: \"Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!\""
[776] "Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.Neil before me."
[777] "Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally...because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems."
[778] "VSorry lost control there"
[779] "Me : What's the wifi password?Bartender : you need to buy a drink first.\n\nMe : Okay, I'll have a coke.\n\nBartender : Is Pepsi ok?\n\nMe : Sure, How much is that?\n\nBartender : 3$\n\nMe : There you go. So what's the wifi password?\n\nBartender : you need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase."
[780] "Women are actually turning into good drivers.So if youâ\200\231re a good driver, watch out for women turning. "
[781] "Father: â\200œSon, you were adopted.â\200\235Son: â\200œWhat?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!\"\n\n\nFather: â\200œWe are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.â\200\235"
[782] "I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts."
[783] "My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's pantiesIt didn't help that she was still wearing them.\n\nOr that his whole family was there.\n\nThat made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.\n\nAnd who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..\n\nEDIT: TRUMP 2020 KEEP AMERICA GREAT!"
[784] "A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.As we were driving along he told me: \"I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for.\"\n\nI said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said \"I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know.\"\n\nHe pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says \"Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving.\"\n\nThe guy looks up at him and replies: \"Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk.\""
[785] "not for the easily offended - one of my favoritesGuy and his two buddies are at a bar, when one of them nudges the other two. \"See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them.\"\n\nSo they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he's about to ask the third girl to dance he notices she's in a wheelchair and then sees him looking at her chair he feels awkward.\n\nNot wanting to be a jerk he says, \"You want to go out there and show them how it's really done?\"\n\nSmiling she agrees and they have a great time.\n\nAfter a while both of his friends took off with both of hers. Back at the table, he asks her if she's got a ride home.\n\nShe tells him, \"no but I can call someone to pick me up.\"\n\nTrying to be nice he tells her \"nonsense I'll give you a ride!\"\n\nOn the ride they're laughing and getting along well and she tells him, \"I'm really enjoying spending time with you and am not ready for the night to end yet, why don't you pull over at that park and we can talk.\"\n\nThey pull over and are talking for a while, when she finally kisses him.\n\n\"I'm sorry,\" she blushes, \"you're just so nice and I like you.\"\n\n\"it's perfectly fine.\" he smiles.\n\n\"Would you like to make love to me?\" she asks. He agrees and they start going at it, but with her legs it's hard to do in the truck.\n\nShe thinks and says, \"My arms are pretty strong, why don't you take me to the Monkey bars, I can hang and we can do it that way.\"\n\nSo they go at it, finish up and he drives her home.\n\nAfter he wheels her to the door her dad comes out.\n\n\"Come here boy,\" he says, gesturing him over.\n\nWorried, he walks over, \"uhh yes sir?\"\n\n\"I just wanted to thank you for driving her, that was damn decent of you and I haven't seen her smile like that in years.\"\n\nFeeling guilty, he says, \"It's no big deal I was glad to do it.\"\n\n\"No no,\" her father replies, \"you don't understand, you're a good man, most guys just leave her hanging in the park.\""
[786] "'90s kids won't get thisSocial security"
[787] "When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts."
[788] "A bad workman blames his fools...\n**EDIT: tools**\n\n...stupid keyboard..."
[789] "Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse."
[790] "My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, \"How can I stop my addiction?\"\"Whatever means necessary,\" she replied.\n\n\"No it doesn't,\" I said."
[791] "â\200\235Will you marry me?â\200\235 Is a marriage proposal.â\200\235Will, You, Mary, Meâ\200\235 is a foursome proposal."
[792] "A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her loverThe ad reads: \"Looking for a man with 3 qualities: wonâ\200\231t beat me up, wonâ\200\231t run away from me, and is great in bed.\"\n\nA few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, \"Hi, Iâ\200\231m Dave. I have no arms so I wonâ\200\231t beat you, and no feet so I wonâ\200\231t run away.\"\n\n\"What makes you think you're great in bed?\" the woman retorts. \n\nDave replies, \"I rang the doorbell, didnâ\200\231t I?\""
[793] "Why is suicide illegal in China?Destruction of government property"
[794] "How do you milk sheep?With iPhone accessories. "
[795] "What do you call a cow with 3 legs?Lean beef.\n\nWhat do you call a cow with no legs?\n\nGround beef.\n\nWhat do you call a cow with two legs?\n\nYo momma."
[796] "My brother who has a stutter is in prison.Itâ\200\231s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence."
[797] "If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failedI would have $7.20 by now"
[798] "How come nobody at the kings table laughed when he farted?Because noble gases don't cause reactions."
[799] "It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective."
[800] "Not to brag, but Iâ\200\231ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.With just the tip."
[801] "A small boy asks his Dad, \"Dad, what are politics?\"Dad says, \"Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.\" \n\nSo the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. \n\nThe next morning, the little boy says to his father, \"Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.\" The father says, \"Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.\" The little boy replies, \"Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.\"\n"
[802] "What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?They donâ\200\231t hang themselves. \n\nHappy Halloween"
[803] "â\200œSon, I found a condom in your room.â\200\235\n\nâ\200œGee thanks, Grandpa!â\200\235\n\nâ\200œWhy are you calling me Grandpa?â\200\235\n\nâ\200œBecause I couldnâ\200\231t find it yesterday.â\200\235"
[804] "Englishman: \"That your dog?\"Englishman: \"That your dog?\"\n\nWelshman: \"Aye\"\n\nEnglishman: \"Mind if I speak to him?'\n\nWelshman: \"Dog don't talk.â\200\235\n\nEnglishman: Hey dog, how's it going?\"\n\nDog: \"Doing all right.\"\n\nWelshman: (look of shock)\n\nEnglishman: Is this your owner?\" (Pointing at the Welshman)\n\nDog: \"Yep.\"\n\nEnglishman: How's he treating you?\"\n\nDog: \"Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play.\"\n\nWelshman: (Look of total disbelief!)\n\nEnglishman: \"Mind if I talk to your horse?\"\n\nWelshman: \"Horse don't talk.â\200\235\n\nEnglishman: \"Hey horse how's it going?\"\n\nHorse: \"Cool.\"\n\nWelshman: (Extreme look of shock!)\n\nEnglishman: \"Is this your owner?\" (Pointing to the Welshman)\n\nHorse: \"Yep.\"\n\nEnglishman: \"How's he treating you?\"\n\nHorse: \"Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather.\"\n\nWelshman: (Look of total amazement!)\n\nEnglishman: \"Mind if I talk to your sheep?\"\n\nWelshman: \"That sheep's a fucking liar!!â\200\235"
[805] "What is atheism?A non-prophet organisation."
[806] "I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January. "
[807] "I proposed to my ex-wife todayShe said no, she thinks I'm just after my money"
[808] "I made a joke about net neutralityAmericans didn't get it."
[809] "How many \"friend-zones\" guys does it take to change a light bulb?None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw."
[810] "A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.The town doesnâ\200\231t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides heâ\200\231ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little â\200œjusticeâ\200\235 from the townspeople.\n\nThe sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face.\n\nAfter a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artistâ\200\231s face is a bloody pulp and thinks â\200œHeâ\200\231s so beat up at this point, he probably canâ\200\231t even feel anything anymore. Iâ\200\231m not going to waste my money on that.â\200\235 So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin.\n\nThe sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, â\200œHey son, you canâ\200\231t do that here.â\200\235\n\nThe man asks, â\200œWhy not?â\200\235\n\nAnd the sheriff replies, â\200œBecause this is the punch line.â\200\235"
[811] "A boy scout says to his scout leader, \"Sir, is this snake poisonous?\" The scout leader says, \"No, that snake's not poisonous at all.\" So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...The scout leader says, \"But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys.\""
[812] "A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million .The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. \n\nWhen the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.\n\nThe Godfather tells the lawyer, \"Ask him where's the money? \"\n\nThe lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, \"where's the money?\" \n\nGuido signs back, \"I don't know what you are talking about.\" \n\nThe lawyer tells the Godfather, \"He says he doesn't know what you are talking about\"\n\nThe Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, \"Ask him again!\" \n\nThe lawyer signs to Guido, \"He'll kill you if you don't tell him.\" \n\nGuido signs back, \"OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.\" \n\nThe Godfather asks the lawyer, \"What did he say?\" \n\nThe lawyer replies, \" He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.\""
[813] "My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.\n\nEdit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father. \nMy actual son will be devastated."
[814] "A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store......so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.\n\nThey had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reacted to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive.\n\nAt the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly: \"Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! Weâ\200\231re all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!\" and before the others could protest he was off - shooting down the hill at a rate of knots.\n\nThe lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind.\n\nBy the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again \"that was great, that was great, let's do it again!\". \n\nThe lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care \"Come on! let's go again, that was great!\".\n\nThe potato turned to him and said \"Easy peasy, lemon's queasy.\"\n\n\n\n\nEDIT: typo. Also, I donâ\200\231t know if itâ\200\231s the done thing to â\200\230thank you for the goldâ\200\231 etc, but British politeness prevails: thanks for my first gold &amp; silver!"
[815] "What starts with \"e,\" ends with \"e,\" and contains one letter?An envelope."
[816] "Man says to his boss â\200œCan we talk? I have a problem.â\200\235Boss says â\200œProblem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!â\200\235\n\nMan says â\200œOk I have a serious drinking opportunity.â\200\235"
[817] "People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thingAnd itâ\200\231s discussing fucking."
[818] "A farmer has 895 sheep.Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.\n\n\nSo the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help.\n\n\"Why yes,\" says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don't think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many.\"\n\nThe shopkeeper says, \"I've got just the thing for you.\" and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting.\n\n\"Are you sure?\" asks the farmer, \"I have very many sheep and I don't think one dog will be able to round all of them up.\".\n\n\"I'm sure.\" says the shopkeeper, \"This is a very intelligent dog. He's been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I've ever seen.\"\n\n\"Yes,\" says the dog, \"I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering.\"\nThe farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn't be impressed by that?- decides to take him home.\n\n\n\nThat afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields.\n\"Well,\" says the farmer, \"I'd like you to round up all of these sheep.\".\n\n\n\n\"Okay.\" replies the dog, \"You have nine hundred sheep.\""
[819] "I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck. "
[820] "If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractiveThey would eventually find me attractive."
[821] "Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...She says, \"Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one.\" \nHe says, \"I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing\"."
[822] "A little girl was playing in the gardenA father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.\n\nSuddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.\n\nHe noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.\n\n\"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?\" she asked.\n\"Theyâ\200\231re mating,\" her father replied.\n\"What do you call the spider on top?\"\n\"Thatâ\200\231s a Daddy Longlegs.\"\n\nThe little girl thought for a moment. \"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?\" she asked.\n\nThe father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, \"No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.\"\n\nThe little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. \"Well, weâ\200\231re not having any of that gay shit in our garden.\"\n"
[823] "A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .. . . except for his boots.\n\nâ\200œWhere your clothes at, Slim?â\200\235\n\nâ\200œBack at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, â\200\230I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.â\200\231\n\nSo I followed her. She says, â\200\230Take off all your clothes.â\200\231 So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, â\200\230You like what you see?â\200\231 Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, â\200\230Yes, maâ\200\231am, I do!â\200\231â\200\235\n\nThen she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, â\200\230Well, then, go to town, Cowboy!â\200\231\n\nSo I pulled on my boots and here I am.â\200\235"
[824] "To the guy who hacked my Reddit accountI will find you, and I will kill you \n\n\nEdit: no you won't \n\n\nSpecial edit for u/takes_joke_literally , are you happy now?\n\n\n\n\n"
[825] "Man to therapist : \"I just fucked my fourth cousin.\"Therapist : \"Is that a problem for you?\"\n\nMan : \"The problem is that I'm counting.\""
[826] "My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldnâ\200\231t help but admire it. â\200œNice car,â\200\235 I said as he got out. â\200œWell,â\200\235 he said, noticing my admiring looks, â\200œWork hard, put the hours in, and Iâ\200\231ll have an even better one next year.â\200\235 (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)"
[827] "Iâ\200\231m not having much luck with jobs lately.I couldnâ\200\231t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasnâ\200\231t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldnâ\200\231t cut it as barber; didnâ\200\231t have the patience to be a doctor; didnâ\200\231t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldnâ\200\231t see any future as a historian."
[828] "What do you get when you spell \"man\" backwards?Flashbacks\n\nEDIT: Well goddamn. Never thought this'd blow up. Then again, so did my legs when Charlie came out of the bushes"
[829] "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...Happy Mother's Day!"
[830] "I like my coffee how I like my womenWITHOUT ANOTHER MANS DICK IN THEM ANNABEL YOU FUCKING WHORE"
[831] "Bullets are so weirdThey only do their job AFTER theyâ\200\231re fired"
[832] "Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath."
[833] "Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything"
[834] "Orgasms are like opinions.Mine is more important and I don't care if she has one. "
[835] "My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know"
[836] "A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell ring. She opens up the door, and a man with no arms and no legs showed. He says, \"Hi, I saw your ad. I was hoping I could be your new boyfriend.\" The woman was confused. \"What makes you think you're gonna be better than my last 3?\" She inquired. \"Well,\" he began. \"I have no arms, so I won't abuse you. I have no legs, so I won't abandon or run away from you.\" \"But how are you in bed?\" She asked. And his response was, \"Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?\""
[837] "If it weren't for Arabs, we would never have 9/11Instead it would be IX / XI"
[838] "Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain......and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, \"two, four, six, eight, ten.\"\n\nThen they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, \"one, three, five, seven, nine.\"\n\nThe scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.\n\nThe man said, \"look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!\""
[839] "A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution \"this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before\".So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly \"mmm...that was some good lion meat!\".\n\nThe lion abruptly stops and says \" woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can\".\n\nOver by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily \"get on my back, we'll get him together\".\n\nSo they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts \"where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago...\""
[840] "A Nazi goes to a bar....A Nazi goes to a bar, looks around, and sees an Orthodox Jew sitting at a nearby table.\n\n\"Barkeep!\", he says, \"A round on me for everyone but that gentleman right there.\"\n\nEveryone in the bar receives a cocktail, he looks over at the Jew and notices him smiling back. The Nazi is not amused, goes back to the bar\n\n\"Barkeep! I want to order a second round for everyone but him, and this time make it all top shelf\".\n\nNazi looks again at the Jew, sees him STILL smiling back.\n\n\"Is that Jew an idiot or what?\"\n\nBartender responds: \"Oh no my friend, that's the owner.\""
[841] "Why did 7 eat 9?Cause he needs 3 squared meals a day\n\nI'm sorry"
[842] "I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Star Wars.She said \"I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out,\" but she pulled some strings and got me in."
[843] "Itâ\200\231s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.Itâ\200\231s a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\nThe difference is staggering."
[844] "One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world Then you'll all be sorry"
[845] "A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.â\200œWe are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.â\200\235\n\nI said, â\200œthatâ\200\231s fine, but donâ\200\231t go into that field over there. You wonâ\200\231t like it.â\200\235\n\nAgitated by this, the officer explodes saying, â\200œdo you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!â\200\235\n\nI politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified. \n\nI threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs....\n\nâ\200œYOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKIN BADGE!!â\200\235"
[846] "A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.\n\nHis father said he'd make a deal with his son, \"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car\" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.\n\nAfter about six weeks his father said, \"Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.\"\n \nThe boy said, \"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.â\200\235\n\nThe father responded, \"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?\""
[847] "There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.\n\nHe loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. \n\nHe loved to make the train go as fast as possible. \n\nUnfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. \n\nHe made it out, but a single person died. \n\nWell, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. \n\nHe was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. \n\nWhen the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. \n\nAfter eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. \n\nThe switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.\n\nThe man was perfectly fine.\n\nWell, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. \n\nAnd somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. \n\nHaving not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. \n\nOnce again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. \n\nThe trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. \n\nFor his final meal, the man requested two bananas. \n\nAfter eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.\n\nThe switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.\n\nWell, this of course meant that he was free to go. \n\nAnd once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back. \n\nTo what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. \n\nAnd so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. \n\nOn the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.\n\n\"You know what? No,\" said the executioner. \"I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now.\" \n\nWell, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. \n\nThe switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed. \n\nThe executioner was speechless.\n\nThe man looked at the executioner and said \"Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor.\""
[848] "A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, \"Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?\"\"Are you nuts?\" she replies and walks away.\n\nHe turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. \"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?\" he asks again. \"Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?\"\n\nSo the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. \"Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?\" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, \"Hmmmmm, $10,000?\" She thinks a bit \"OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.\"\n\nSo they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, \n\n\"Are you gonna bite them or what?\" \n\n\"Nah,\" he replies. \"Costs too much!\""
[849] "Republicans are the true snowflakes...they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools\n\nEDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry! \n\nits a joke folks. just a joke."
[850] "My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovahâ\200\231s Witness so he wouldnâ\200\231t arouse suspicion.\nHe got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in."
[851] "A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.The judge looks down at her and asks, \"First offender?\"\n\nThe woman replies, \"nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender.\""
[852] "If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalmâ\200“â\200“BODY ONCE TOLD MEâ\200¦"
[853] "I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions1. My credit card number\n2. My social security number\n3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate"
[854] "80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a \"Blondes Are Not Stupid\" Convention.The leader says, \"We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?\" \n \nA blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. \n \nThe leader asks her, \"What is 15 plus 15?\" \n \nAfter 15 or 20 seconds she says, \"Eighteen!\" \n \nObviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, \"Give her another chance! Give her another chance!\" \n \nThe leader says, \"Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance.\" \n \nSo he asks, \"What is 5 plus 5?\" \n \nAfter nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, \"Ninety?\" \n \nThe leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, \"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!\" \n \nThe leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, \"Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?\" \n \nThe girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, \"Four?\" \n \nThroughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... \"Give her another chance! Give her another chance!\" "
[855] "What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?One electron. "
[856] "What is the best Donald Trump joke you've heard?Donâ\200\231t know if this one is in here yet, but here goes:\n\nTrump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word â\200œtragedyâ\200\235. (No, not the punch line yet)\n\nSo he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, â\200œif my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, thatâ\200\231d be a tragedy.â\200\235\n\nâ\200œNot quiteâ\200\235, says Mr. Trump, â\200œthat would be an accident.â\200\235\n\nA little girl raises her hand: â\200œif a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.â\200\235\n\nâ\200œIâ\200\231m afraid not,â\200\235 explained the president. â\200œThatâ\200\231s what we would call a great loss.â\200\235\n\nThe room goes silent. Trump searches the room. â\200œIsnâ\200\231t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? â\200œ\n\nFinally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, â\200œIf Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.â\200\235\n\nâ\200œFantastic!â\200\235 exclaimed Mr. Trump. â\200œThatâ\200\231s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?â\200\235\n\nâ\200œWellâ\200\231, said little Johnny, â\200œbecause it sure as hell wouldnâ\200\231t be a great loss and probably wouldnâ\200\231t be an accident either.â\200\235"
[857] "Why was 10 traumatized?Because it was in the middle of 9/11."
[858] "What do you call a witch that only eats sand?Malnourished. "
[859] "I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.Zero fucks were given."
[860] "At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis. \n\nAnd three years later, that priest went to prison."
[861] "If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.That's pretty humerus."
[862] "A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.The doctor asked, \"What can I do for you?\"\n\n&#x200B;\n\nThe man said, \"Will you watch us have sex?\"\n\n&#x200B;\n\nThe doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nWhen the couple finished, the doctor said, \"There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex,\" and charged them $50.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nThis happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nFinally, the doctor asked, \"Just exactly what are you trying to find out?\"\n\n&#x200B;\n\n\"We're not trying to find out anything,\" the husband replied.\n\n\"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare."
[863] "CSI Alabama was a failure . . .. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records."
[864] "Legless parrotA guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, \"Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?\"\n\nThe parrot says, \"I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.\"\n\n\"Holy shit,\" the guy replies. \"You actually understood and answered me!\"\n\n\"I got every word,\" says the parrot.â\200\235 I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.\"\n\n\"Oh yeah?\", the guy asks, \"Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?\"\n\n\"Well,\" the parrot says, \"this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.\"\n\n\"Wow\" says the guy, \"you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?\"\n\n\"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.\"\n\nThe guy looks at the $200 price tag.â\200\235 Sorry, but I just can't afford that.\"\n\n\"Pssssssst\" says the parrot, \"I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!\"\n\nThe guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he\nsympathizes, and he's insightful.\n\nThe guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes \"Psssssssssssst\" and motions him over with one wing. \"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.\"\n\n\"What are you talking about?\" asks the guy.\n\n\"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately.\"\n\n\"WHAT???\" the guy asks incredulously. \"THEN what happened?\"\n\n\"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over\" reported the parrot.\n\n\"My God!\" he exclaims. \"Then what?\"\n\n\"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...\"\n\n\"WELL???\" demands the frantic guy, \"THEN WHAT HAPPENED?\"\n\n\"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.\""
[865] "My wife texted \"I'm leaving you\"And followed with \"after lunch to go shopping with my sister.\"\n\nI asked why in the world she sent the message that way. \"I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me.\"\n\nI texted her back \"Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job\"\n\nA minute later I finished the message \"-searching and resume building.\"\n"
[866] "A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, \"I have just the thing for you.\" From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. \"I will let you rent this,\" she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth dildo. \"This is the Voodoo Dick. I will let you rent it for $1000.\" The man scoffs at her, \"you can't be serious. It doesn't even look like it takes batteries,\" he starts for the door, \"Thanks, but no thanks. Have a good day.\" As he is heading for the door the owner shouts, \"VOODOO DICK, THE DOOR!\" Suddenly the dildo flies out of its box and through the air, it hits the lock on the door and starts going at it like a jack hammer. The door is starting to bend from the pounding, and the owner shouts, \"VOODOO DICK, YOUR BOX!\" The magic dildo stops pounding and flies back into its box. The man is jaw dropped. \"Wow!\" He says smiling, \"I'll take it!\" The man is running late for his flight so he stops by his house and hands his wife the box. \"When your feeling horny sweetheart just open this box and say, 'VOODOO DICK MY PUSSY!'\" She starts to laugh but he assures her it will be great, and jumps into a cab to catch his flight. The next day she starts to feel the need, and although she feels foolish doing it she lays on the bed and opens the box. \"VOODOO DICK, MY PUSSY!\" BAM! The Voodoo Dick flies into action. It starts pounding away at her and within 2 minutes she already had 5 orgasms, a minute later she's up to 7. She grabs the dildo to pull it out, but it's to strong. It keeps pounding away, another orgasm...she pulls and pulls, but can't get it to stop. She tries calling her husband but he doesn't answer, boom, another orgasm. All she can think to do is go to the hospital to get it out. She makes her way to the car, another orgasm. She driving down the highway, having orgasm after orgasm, swerving all over the road. A trooper sees this car swerving every where and pulls her over. The officer walks up to her door, \"Well you've obviously been drinking..\" he says. \"No officer,\" she's panting, \"you don't under stand. I'm sober, I have a Voodoo Dick stuck in my pussy and I can't get it out.\" The officer leans back and laughs, \"Voodoo Dick my ass!.\""
[867] "I was fired from the keyboard factory today.I wasn't putting in enough shifts. "
[868] "What gets bigger the more you take from it?The lower class."
[869] "Men's HelplineMen's Helpline\n\n\"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?\"\n\n\"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?\""
[870] "My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...Probably because it's a Dell"
[871] "Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as...\"The most violent book I have ever read\""
[872] "A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.\n\nEdit: whoever wasted money on giving me silver, I'd like you to know that I'm grateful, but please, buy yourself something useful with that money next time\n\nEdit 2: FOR FUCKS SAKES GUYS, I know I said that the first guy was wasting his money but please, stop this madness\n\nEdit 3: after turning off comment notifications for obvious reasons I expected that I wouldn't have to worry about my phone vibrating so much, however it appears that you've found a way around that, as my phone vibrates every time I get an award. Please guys, let me sleep lol"
[873] "A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.The guy sitting next to him canâ\200\231t believe what he just saw. Heâ\200\231s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.\n\nThe astonished onlooker asks, â\200œHow did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and weâ\200\231re hundreds of feet above the ground!â\200\235\n\nThe jumper responds by slurring, â\200œWell, I donâ\200\231t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.â\200\235 He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.\n\nThe other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.\n\nThe other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesnâ\200\231t slow down at all. SPLAT!\n\nThe first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. â\200œYouâ\200\231re really an a**hole when youâ\200\231re drunk, Superman.â\200\235"
[874] "I called work this morning and whispered, \"Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough.\" He exclaimed, \"You have a wee cough!?\"I said, \"Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!\""
[875] "A blonde got tired of blonde jokesOne evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. \n\nBack in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, \"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals.\" \n\nOne of the guys, of course, said, \"I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?\" \n\n\"N,\" she answered."
[876] "I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said \"Have a good day, son\"\"Don't call me son,\" I said. \"You're not my dad.\" \n\nHe scratched his head. \"No, but I brought you up, didn't I?\""
[877] "r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!It's amazing what 7 jokes can do"
[878] "I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday.All Fridays matter.\n"
[879] "\"That's not it.\"A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, \"That's not it\" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, \"That's it.\""
[880] "The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 charactersSo Trump can't tweet it"
[881] "A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.He rolled down the window and asked the officer: \"Why is there such a traffic jam?\"\n\nOfficer: \"A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help.\"\n\nMan: \"Ok. How much are other people giving?\"\n\nOfficer: \"On average, about two gallons.\""
[882] "â\200œThis is 911, whatâ\200\231s your emergency?â\200\235 the operator asked.â\200œI masturbate too much,â\200\235 the man replied.\n\nâ\200œSir, thatâ\200\231s not really a problem,â\200\235 the operator said.\n\nThe man shouted, â\200œDid you hear that, Mom? Now get off my case.â\200\235"
[883] "A poor Irish family lives on a farm...A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income. \n\nOne morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead. \n\n\"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now,\" says the dad as he shoots himself.\n\nThe mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground.\n\n\"I can't live without my husband,\" she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun.\n\nThe daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead.\n\n\"I can't live any longer without my family,\" she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself.\n\nThe oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead.\n\n\"Is there anyway to bring them back,\" he yells at the sky.\n\nPoof! A female leprechaun appears.\n\n\"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow,\" she says, \"if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you.\"\n\nThe boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies.\n\nThe middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother.\n\n\"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow,\" she says, \"if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you.\"\n\nThe son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies.\n\nThe youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer.\n\n\"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow,\" she says, \"if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you.\"\n\nThe son says, \"What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?\"\n\nThe leprechaun thinks. She says, \"I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold.\n\nThe son says, \"What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?\"\n\nShe thinks again and says, \"I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion.\"\n\nThe son thinks and says, \"What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?\" \n\nShe thinks and says, \"I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland.\"\n\nThe son says, \"Wait, how do I know you will survive it?\"\n\n\"What do you mean?\" says the leprechaun.\n\n\"The cow didn't.\"\n\nEdit: I never thought my highest upvoted post would be about fucking cows.\n\nEdit 2: Thanks stranger for popping my gold cherry!"
[884] "Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.He said: â\200\230dad, canâ\200\231t you just use a sponge?â\200\231"
[885] "A guy walks into a barA guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a pistol in his hand and yelling, â\200œI have a 45 caliber pistol here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know whoâ\200\231s been sleeping with my wife.â\200\235\nA voice from the other end of the bar called out, â\200œYouâ\200\231ll need more ammoâ\200\235"
[886] "When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad."
[887] "Justice is a dish best served cold because......if it were served warm, it would be justwater."
[888] "A coma in a sentence can literally change everything. For example:*Ben is in a hurry.*\n\n*Ben is in a coma.*"
[889] "Man says to wife, What would you do if I won the lottery?Wife replies, Take half and leave your sorry ass. Husband replies, Good, I won 12 dollars, here's 6 now get the hell out!"
[890] "What weighs more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman?The woman. They always lie about their weight. "
[891] "(NSFW) Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub..What a bunch of sick fucks"
[892] "The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.\n\nThe auditor said, \"Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.\"\n\n\"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,\" says Grandpa. \"How about a demonstration?\"\n\nThe auditor thinks for a moment and said, \"Okay. Go ahead.\"\n\nGrandpa says, \"I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.\"\n\nThe auditor thinks a moment and says, \"It's a bet.\"\n\nGrandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.\n\nGrandpa says, \"Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.\"\n\nNow the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.\n\nThe stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.\n\n\"Want to go double or nothing?\" Grandpa asks. \"I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.\"\n\nThe auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.\n\nGrandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.\n\nThe auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.\n\n\"Are you okay?\" the auditor asks.\n\n\"Not really,\" says the attorney. \"This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!\""
[893] "Why did the slave go to college?So he could pick up his Master's degree."
[894] "Why don't hillbillies ever try reverse cowgirl?Because you don't turn your back on family."
[895] "A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says \"Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100.\"\nThe one says to the other, \"should we do it??\" The other says \"NO!! Are you crazy?\" The first guy replies \"Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it.\" So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says \"well, did you get the money?\" He replies \"Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??\""
[896] "An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in\"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!\"\n\n\"All of them?\" he asks, putting down his rifle.\n\n\"No, only one.\"\n\nHe starts cleaning the rifle again."
[897] "A mormon was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,\"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?\"."
[898] "How do you milk sheep?With iPhone accessories."
[899] "Today a girl kissed meI wish I could post it in another subreddit"
[900] "Two deer walk out of a gay barOne turns and says to the other, \"I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there.\""
[901] "I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....My boss asked â\200œwhat companies? â\200œ\n\nGas, water and electricity. "
[902] "Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranchUnfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.\n\nIn order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.\n\nThe brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, *\"When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.\"*\n\nThe brunette arrives at the manâ\200\231s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.\n\nAfter paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. \n\nShe walks into the telegraph office, and says, *\"I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.\"*\n\nThe telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, *\"Itâ\200\231s just 99 cents a word.\"*\n\nWell, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that sheâ\200\231ll only be able to send her sister one word.\n\nAfter thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, *â\200œI want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'â\200\235*\n\nThe telegraph operator shakes his head. *\"How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?\"*\nThe brunette explains, *\"My sisterâ\200\231s blonde. Sheâ\200\231ll read it slow.\"*"
[903] "I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said \"Sank you!\"Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied \"You're welcome.\"\nHe laughs and says \"No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor.\"\n"
[904] "I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainerMe: \"Ok, this isn't working out\""
[905] "Donald Trump - \"I'm not orange!\"\"Impeach.\""
[906] "Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.I would not have to sell cocaine anymore."
[907] "Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?He'll stop at nothing to avoid them."
[908] "I saw a sign that made me shit myselfIt said \"Bathroom closed\" \n\n\nEdit: Thanks for the upvotes guys. did not expect this post to blow up."
[909] "My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy \"writer.\" But this is an old joke, and he loved to tell it every time I saw him. He knew quite a few others too, but this was always my favorite.* \n\nA man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout \"FORE!\" \n\nHe looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until *WHACK!* He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his crotch. \n\n\"Oh, you poor thing!\" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. \"Is that better?\"\n\nHe shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, \"That seemed to help a lot!\"\n\n\"Oh, it was wonderful!\" he says. \"But the ball hit my thumb!\"\n\n*EDIT: Yesterday was really hard, but you guys really brightened it up. I read every comment I could and I loved every joke I came across. I didn't intend this to get insanely huge the way it did, but I'm really glad that so many people got to laugh at a joke my Gramps told me even after he was gone. And no, he didn't write it, but he told it in his own way that I couldn't have come close to duplicating. I love you all and I look forward to making more jokes. Thank you.*"
[910] "My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, \"You weren't even listening just now, were you?!\"I thought, \"Man, what a weird way to start a conversation.\"\n"
[911] "{air horn sound}{second air horn sound}\n\nMe: â\200œthis isnâ\200\231t deodorantâ\200\235"
[912] "Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accidentWhen they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that theyâ\200\231re all priests and immediately says \"If any of you are paedophile, thereâ\200\231s no point waiting here. Just fuck off straight to hell!\"\n\nNine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.\n\nSt. Peter calls after them, \"AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!\""
[913] "On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, \"What did you think of me when you first met me?\"The husband replies, \"I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry.\" The woman then asks, \"What do think of me now?\" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, \"I think I did a pretty good job.\""
[914] "A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.\n\nShe replied, â\200œIâ\200\231m on the 7th hole, and youâ\200\231re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.â\200\235\n\nHe thanked her and went back to his golf.\n\nOn the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.\n\nShe said, â\200œIâ\200\231m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.â\200\235\n\nOnce again he thanked her.\n\nHe finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.\n\nHe went up to her and said, â\200œLet me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.â\200\235\n\nHe started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.\n\nShe said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.\n\nShe replied, â\200œIf I told you, you would only laugh.â\200\235\n\nâ\200œNo, I wouldnâ\200\231t,â\200\235 he said.\n\nShe said, â\200œI sell tampons.â\200\235\n\nWith that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.\n\nShe said, â\200œSee, I knew you would laugh.â\200\235\n\nâ\200œThatâ\200\231s not what Iâ\200\231m laughing at,â\200\235 he replied. â\200œIâ\200\231m a toilet paper salesman, so Iâ\200\231m STILL one hole behind you!â\200\235"
[915] "Why did the console player cross the road?To render the buildings on the other side."
[916] "Donald Trump is president. I think if George Washington were alive today, he'd look around and say, \"What the fuck is going on? \"\"How am I still alive?\""
[917] "I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning......within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door."
[918] "What rhymes with OrangeNo it doesnâ\200\231t"
[919] "A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.The woman perks up and says, \"How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!\"\n\nHe turns to her and says,\n\n\"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating.\"\n\n\"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating,\" says the woman.\n\n\"What a coincidence,\" says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, \"What are you celebrating?\"\n\n\"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!\"\n\n\"What a coincidence,\" says the man. \"I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile.\"\n\n\"That's great,\" says the woman. \"How did your chickens become fertile?\"\n\n\"I switched cocks,\" he replies.\n\n\"What a coincidence,\" she said."
[920] "If I was addicted to masturbation and then I got addicted to sex...Would it be safe to assume my addiction got out of hand?"
[921] "*tips fedora at mosquito*M'laria"
[922] "My wife told me: \"Sex is better on vacation.\"That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive"
[923] "Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, â\200œIâ\200\231ll give you a reason to cry!?\"I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later."
[924] "A man accidentally elbows a woman's boobas she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says \"if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me.\"\n\nTo which the woman replied \"if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318.\""
[925] "A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...Confused, he asks the bartender \"why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?\" The bartender says \"I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close\". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks \"So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?\" The customer quickly responds with a \"No\". \"Why not?\" The bartender asks. The customer replies, \"The stakes are too high\". "
[926] "My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but Iâ\200\231m not impressed.Iâ\200\231ve had a Canon printer for years."
[927] "How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.\n\nEdit: lots of undeserved attention for a half-assed joke. Kinda like season 8."
[928] "I heard my son say his first words to me today...\"where have you been the last 20 years?\""
[929] "I was in a porno cinema the other night.I hadnâ\200\231t been there five minutes when some guy started yelling at me: â\200œOh, youâ\200\231re a beast, youâ\200\231re despicable!â\200\235\n\nSo I said to him: â\200œListen mate, weâ\200\231re all here together, youâ\200\231re just as despicable as I am.â\200\235 But then other people started chipping in, shouting stuff like â\200œHow do you sleep at night?â\200\235 and â\200œYouâ\200\231re a total disgrace.â\200\235\n\nNext thing I knew the manager was standing right beside me, throwing in his two pence worth as well. I remember what he said to the letter. He said: â\200œIn 25 years Iâ\200\231ve never seen anything like this.â\200\235\n\nSo I said: â\200œI know Iâ\200\231m not much to look at but thatâ\200\231s a bit harsh, isnâ\200\231t it?â\200\235 But he wasnâ\200\231t listening, he was just waving his arms saying he was going to â\200œthrow me outâ\200\235 and that security was â\200œon its way.â\200\235\n\nAt that point I just thought â\200œOh, I donâ\200\231t need thisâ\200\235.\n\nSo I stood up and said: â\200œFuck it, come on kids weâ\200\231re leaving.â\200\235\n\n (Credit The Joke Cafe - http://thejokecafe.com )"
[930] "Malaysian Airlines and United should mergeThat way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out."
[931] "What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?A supreme liter"
[932] "I called the Suicide Hotline in Iraq...They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck."
[933] "I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasmsShe told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work."
[934] "I know global warming is badbut wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?"
[935] "I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day.Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head."
[936] "I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her."
[937] "When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.I was touched."
[938] "One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.Me: \"It doesn't worry me at all, babe.\"\n\nHer: \"Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine.\""
[939] "\"Son, you'll go blind if you masturbate too much.\"\"Dad, I'm over here.\""
[940] "What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?\"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!\""
[941] "My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.As I walked out the front door, she screamed, \n\"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!\" \n\"Oh,\" I replied, \"so now you want me to stay!\""
[942] "I got a phone call from my son's school todayHello, is that Mr Jenkins?\n\nYes, how can I help you?\n\nHi, This is little Billyâ\200\231s music teacher calling\n\nOh, hi\n\nYeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!\n\nReally? Wow! Thatâ\200\231s..\n\nYeah, we just found him dead on the toilet"
[943] "A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship.A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la"
[944] "A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.His parents look at the truck and ask, \"Where did you get that truck?!\" \n\n\"I bought it today,\" he says.\n\n\"With what money?\" says his mother. \n\nThey knew what a new F150 cost.\n\n\"Well,\" he says, \"this one cost me just fifteen dollars.\" \n\nThe father looks at him like he's crazy. \n\n\"Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?\" he says.\n\n\"It was the lady up the street,\" says the boy. \"I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.\"\n\n\"Oh my Goodness!\" says the mother. \"Maybe she's mentally ill or has Alzheimer's something. John, you better go see what's going on.\" \n\nSo the boy's father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.\n\nHe introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.\n\n\"Well,\" she says, \"two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back.\"\n\n\"Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry,\" the father says. \"But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?\"\n\n\"Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.\""
[945] "A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.She was thrilled at the speed. \"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?\" he asked. \"Yes!\" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. \"Go and get help!\" he cried. \"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!\" \"Take my shoe\", he said, \"and cover yourself.\" Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, \"Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!\" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, \"There's nothing I can do...he's in too far.\"\n\nEdit: Woah! Didn't thought this would blew up\nAnd thanks for the gold stranger"
[946] "(Slightly NSFW) Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together. \n\nHusband: \"honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf.\"\n\nWife: \"I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together.\"\n\nThe husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request they go to the gold course. On the first tee the husband drives it 300 yards, dead center. The wife tries it and slices it right into a huge window of a huge house on the side of the course. \n\nHusband says \"ah shit. Ok let's go pay for this window\n\nThe couple arrives at the front door of the broken window house and rings the doorbell. A very well dressed man answers the door, \"Yeees..?\" \n\nHusband: \"Hi we're the ones that broke the window, are you the owner of the house?\"\n\nWell dressed man: \"oh no I am only the butler. Master is on the other room, follow me. \n\nThe couple follows the butler through the massive entry and into a wondrous library. In the center of which sits the master, staying intently at a vase that was broken, quite clearly by the golf ball.\n\nHusband: \"oh I am so sorry. My wife, you see, is learning golf. She didnt mean to..\"\n\nThe master interrupts in an understanding tone \"haha oh its alright. You see I'm a genie and I was trapped in that case for the last several hundred years. But you released me by breaking it. As you know genies grant 3 wishes. But since you did break the window I will save the third for myself, leave 1 each for you both. Madame would you like to go first?\"\n\nWife: \"uh I want lots of money....\"\n\n\"Done.\" Interrupts the master, \" I'll also make it theft proof, fire proof, and infinite. Anytime you need money no matter the amount, it will be in your account.\"\n\nWife: \"oh my goodness thank you so much!\"\n\n\"You're turn\", says the the master looking at the husband.\n\nHusband: \"I'd like a beautiful home in ever country.\"\n\nMaster: \"and you shall have it. Complete with protection from all the elements and a staff to maintain it and look after you when you stay.\"\n\nHusband: \" Jesus! thank you so much!\"\n\nMaster: \"not a problem. As for my wish, well I have been trapped in that case for so long and all the while without a woman. I am sorry but my wish is to have sex with your beautiful wife.\"\n\nHusband to wife: \"I don't know honey. I mean he did give us all that money and houses. You know how I feel about cheating but this seems different.\"\n\nWife: \"yeah I agree. I'm not thrilled about it but I get where he is coming from. Play well do it\"\n\nThe Master is thrilled and wisks the wife upstairs where they have loud, wall banging sex for hours on end. Finally after all that time the master comes down in only his underwear and his unbuttoned dress shirt. He grabs a cup of water and drinks the whole thing. The master then asks the nearby husband, \" if you dont mind me asking how old are you ans your wife?\"\n\nHusband: \" well I'm 32 and she is 34, why do you ask?\"\n\nMaster: \"just curious as to how you guys still believe in genies.....\n\n"
[947] "\"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary,\" the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, \"You can't be squeamish.\" He then stuck his finger in his mouth.The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. \n\nWhen the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- \"The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is attention to detail. I stuck my middle finger in, but sucked my index finger.\" \n\nThe class was horrified. Some of them threw up. \n\n\"The third thing you should know\" the teacher said as he picked up his briefcase \"is that I don't work here.\" \n\n>!\"And the fourth thing you should know,\" said the man lying on the table with a smile, \"Is that I'm not dead.\"!<"
[948] "Why canâ\200\231t Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?He gets no support from his Cavs"
[949] "The class comes in from recess and gets a spelling quiz...\"Jimmy, what did you do during recess?\" asks the teacher. \n\"I played in the sand box with Sally!\" \n\"That's great! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you get a cookie!\"\nJimmy does and gets his reward. \n\"Sally, what did you do during recess?\"\n\"I played in the sand box with Jimmy!\"\n\"Wow! If you can spell 'box' on the board, you get a cookie!\"\nSally does and gets a cookie. \n\"Jamal, what did you do during recess?\"\n\"I tried to play with Sally and Jimmy but they just threw rocks at me.\"\n\"Oh my! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' on the board, you get a cookie!\"\n"
[950] "Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore..."
[951] "I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet."
[952] "TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate HalloweenI guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors"
[953] "Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids."
[954] "You can tell the gender of an ant by dropping it in water. If it sinks it's girl ant,If it floats it's boy ant."
[955] "Why is 6.9 the worst number？It's a 69 interrupted by a period "
[956] "I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last nightIt was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next\n\n"
[957] "My marriage is over.I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.\n\nI do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone."
[958] "My friend keeps saying \"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water\"I know he means well..."
[959] "I was blessed with a 9 inch penisThat priest is in prison now"
[960] "There was a woman with 100 childrenâ\200¦There was a woman with 100 children. She lacked the creativity to name all of them so she just names them 1-100. 99 of the kids die. The only survivor is the kid named 90. 90 grows up and has kids of her own. One day, the kids find a stray dog. 90 did not want them to keep it. The kids decide to keep the dog secretly. They name the dog â\200œthisâ\200\235 so that they can say things like â\200œLetâ\200\231s take this outsideâ\200\235 without 90 finding out. One day, this suddenly dies in a car accident.\n\nOnly 90â\200\231s kids remember this.\n\nedit: you know how people on reddit say â\200œwow, this blew up.â\200\235 well this really *did* blow up, holy moly. this is where I peak in my reddit career lmao.\n\nedit 2: short explanation to the people who didnâ\200\231t get this: only the motherâ\200\231s (ninetyâ\200\231s) kids will remember â\200œthisâ\200\235, the dog."
[961] "I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.â\200œYouâ\200\231ve given me one too many.â\200\235 \n\nâ\200œThat one is a freebie.â\200\235"
[962] "A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, â\200œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?â\200\235\n\nLarry replies, â\200œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Heâ\200\231s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When Iâ\200\231m done, poof! The light goes off.â\200\235\n\nâ\200œWow, thatâ\200\231s incredible,â\200\235 the doctor says.\n\nA little later in the day, the doctor calls Larryâ\200\231s wife.\n\nâ\200œBonnie,â\200\235 he says, â\200œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because Iâ\200\231m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when heâ\200\231s done, poof, the light goes off?â\200\235\n\nâ\200œOh sweet Jesusâ\200\235, exclaims Bonnie. â\200œHeâ\200\231s peeing in the refrigerator again!â\200\235"
[963] "This is a mean joke.A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells \"We got him!\""
[964] "Russia started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies.Nyetflix."
[965] "We're in TroubleThe population of this country is 327 million. \n\n\n76 million are retired. \n\n\nThat leaves 251 million to do the work. \n\n\nThere are 48 million people who are permanently disabled. \n\n\nWhich leaves 203 million to do the work \n\n\nThere are 74 million children younger than 6 \n\n\nWhich leaves 129 million to do the work \n\n\nThere are 95.2 million children and young adults in school. \n\n\nWhich leaves 33.8 million to do the work. \n\n\nAt any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation \n\n\nWhich leaves 29.8 million to do the work \n\n\nOf this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military. \n\n\nLeaving 14.8 million to do the work. \n\n\n2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East. \n\n\nWhich leaves 12 million to do the work. \n\n\nTake from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. \n\n\nAnd that leaves 1.2 million to do the work. \n\n\nAt any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. \n\n\nLeaving 1,012,000 to do the work. \n\n\nNow, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons. \n\n\nThat leaves just two people to do the work. \n\n\nYou and me. \n\n\nAnd there you are, \n\n\nSitting on your ass, \n\n\nAt your computer, reading jokes. \n\n\nNice. Real nice."
[966] "I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...But first I need to get some shit off my chest.\n\nEdit: Removed award speeches upon request."
[967] "Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls â\200œwho had sex with my wife!!!â\200\235A guy in the back replies \n\nYou donâ\200\231t have enough bullets"
[968] "While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.\n\nThe doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. After two days, the doctor tells him, â\200œIâ\200\231ve got bad news for you, you have contracted Mongolian VD. Itâ\200\231s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it.\"\n\nThe man perplexed asks, \"Well, canâ\200\231t you give me a shot or something to fix me up, Doc?\"\n\nThe doctor answers, \"Iâ\200\231m sorry, there's no known cure. We are going to have to amputate your penis.\"\n\nThe man screams in horror, \"Absolutely not !! I want a second opinion... !!!\"\n\nThe doctor replies, \"Well, itâ\200\231s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.â\200\235\n\nThe next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that heâ\200\231ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, \"Ahh... yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.\"\n\nThe guy says to the doctor, \"Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!\"\n\nThe Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, \"Stupid Amelican docttah, always want operate, make more money that way. No need amputate!\"\n\n\"Oh, thank God!â\200\235 the man exclaims.\n\n\"Yes,â\200\235 says the Chinese doctor. \"Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself.\""
[969] "The first time I had sex, it was in my parentâ\200\231s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, â\200œThis is a bit awkward.â\200\235\nI grunted, â\200œJust ignore them.â\200\235"
[970] "A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter! \n\nAfter the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone. \n\nThe groom approaches the him and asks, \"why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!\" \n\n\"I know...\" Says the priest, \"but that was just my altar ego\"."
[971] "My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, \"How can I stop my addiction?\"**Wife:** whatever means necessary.\n\n**Me:** No it doesn't."
[972] "My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court."
[973] "Why do pirates love reddit?It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.\n\nEdit: Arr! Thanks for the booty!"
[974] "Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.\n\nThe Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.\n\nHowever, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.\n\nOn the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.\n\nThe Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.\n\nThe Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.\n\nNext, the Pope waved his finger around his head.\n\nThe Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.\n\nThe Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.\n\nThe Rabbi pulled out an apple.\n\nWith that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever.\n\nThe Jews could stay in Italy!\n\nLater the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.\n\nThe Pope said, \"First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!\"\n\nMeanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.\n\n\"I don't have a clue!!!\" the Rabbi said.\n\n\"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here.\"\n\n\"And then what?\" asked a woman.\n\n\"Who knows!!\" said the Rabbi. \"He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!\""
[975] "The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.His Captain yells, \"Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?\"\n\n\"Well Captain\", he says, wiping blood from his face, \"I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road.\"\n\n\"And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!\"\n\n\"And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!\" \n\n\"While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck.\""
[976] "I just made love to my girlfriend.She asked, â\200œIf I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?â\200\235\n\nI took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.\n\nâ\200œWellâ\200\235 I said, â\200œIf he can get out of that, weâ\200\231ll call him Houdiniâ\200\235."
[977] "A boy was watching TV with his fatherWhen a sex scene came on. \n\"well son, time for bed\" the father says. \n\"but dad, I'm 15 now!\" the son complains. \nThe father replies \"I don't care how old you are son, you're not watching me masturbate\" "
[978] "My friend said to me, â\200œDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?â\200\235 I said, â\200œGo on, then.â\200\235 He shouted, â\200œNOT THE KRYPTONITE!â\200\235 I said, â\200œThatâ\200\231s Superman.â\200\235\nHe said, â\200œThanks man, Iâ\200\231ve been practicing a lot.â\200\235"
[979] "My penis may not be 12 inches....but it smells like a foot."
[980] "My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes"
[981] "My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan.It's like I've never seen herbivore."
[982] "I wrote the names of everyone Iâ\200\231ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.Now heâ\200\231s high on my list of people I never want to see again."
[983] "\"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!\"\"Our children have names, Harold!\""
[984] "Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?It was a Big Mcsteak"
[985] "No Sex Tonight!I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.\n\nAnd I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.\n\nFor exampleâ\200¦ One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.\n\nWell, the passion started to heat up, but then she said \"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.\"\n\nI said \"WHAT??!! What was that?!\"\n\nSo she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...\"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.\"\n\nShe responded to my puzzled look by saying, \"Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?\"\n\nRealizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.\n\nThe very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.\n\nLet me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, \"That's fine, honey.\"\n\nShe appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, \"I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier.\"\n\nI could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, \"No honey, I don't feel like it.\"\n\nHer face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, \"WHAT?\"\n\nI then said \"Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.\n\nYou're just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.\"\n\nAnd just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, \"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?\"\n\nApparently, no sex tonight either!\n\n\n\nEdit: Didn't expect to make front page but glad lots of you got a laugh out of it!\n\nEdit 2: Thank you for the gold! "
[986] "Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws."
[987] "3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.\nThe strongest one started 1st, \"watch this,\" He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. \"what happened?\" they asked. \"did you see that house over there?\" \"yes?\" \"well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!\" \"wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire\" Then the eldest one takes the next turn \"watch and learn,\" he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. \"what happened??\" they asked. \"did you see that village over there?\" \"ye..yes?\" \"well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!\" \"wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!\" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, \"don't blink or you'll miss it\" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. \"wh..what happened???\" they asked. \"did you see that big ass tree over there?\" \"ye..yes?!\" \"well.. I didn't\""
[988] "An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. \n\n\nAfter many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. \n\n\nThe president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. \n\n\nThe president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. \n\n\nThe president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' \n\n\nThe elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' \n\n\nThe president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. \n\n\nThe woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' \n\n\n'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' \n\n\n'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' \n\n\n'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. \n\n\nThat night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that way, up and down, turned it around, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. \n\n\nThe next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square \n\n\nThe president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. \n\n\nThe president was happy to oblige. \n\n\nThe elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' \n\n\nThe elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the \\*lawyer was banging his head against the wall.\\* \nHe asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland ' "
[989] "MilkMe: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier\n\nSperm bank employee: What glass of milk\n\nMe: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk\n\nSperm bank employee: Oh no\n\nMe: What\n\nSperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk\n\n\nEdit: a letter, thanks u/FatchRacall for pointing it out"
[990] "A woman on a train is refusing to let a tired soldier sit downAn American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.\n\nThe soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.\n\nThe train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.\n\nThe only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog.\n\nThe weary soldier asked, \"Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?\"\n\nThe English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, \"You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see that my little pooch is using that seat?\"\n\nThe soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again.\n\nAgain, the soldier asked, \"Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired.\"\n\nThe English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, \"You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!\"\n\nThe soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.\n\nThe Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.\n\nAn English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, \"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!.\"\n\n\n"
[991] "I dated a dentist a while back,She had the whitest teeth I ever came across."
[992] "Without the Arabs we wouldn't have 9/11.It would be IX/XI.\n\nedit: Wow, I came back and this really blew up!"
[993] "The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meantWhich was ironic since we were at a bus stop\n\nEdit: thanks for silver gold and front page, it means alot\n\n"
[994] "If a woman has sex with 10 different men, she's considered a slut, but if a man does the same thing......he is gay. Definitely gay. "
[995] "Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?Because his father grounded him."
[996] "Why do programmers prefer dark mode?Cause light attracts bugs."
[997] "A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girlsThey all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.\n\nSt. Peter asks the first girl, \"Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?\" She giggles and shyly replies, \"Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.\" St. Peter says, \"Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.\"\n\nSt. Peter asks the next girl the same question, \"Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?\" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, \"Well once I fondled and stroked one.\" St. Peter says, \"Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.\"\n \nAll of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line, St. Peter says, \"Lisa! What seems to be the rush?\" \n\nThe girl replies, \"If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it...\"\n\nEdit: I genuinely did not know this is a repost, but thanks for all the reminders. I had never heard it before and thought I'd share."
[998] "How does the reddit user get karma when they donâ\200\231t deserve it?Piece of cake"
[999] "A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, \"Give it to me straight doc!\"The doctor replies, \"That's impossible, we're both male.\" They both laugh and the doctor says, \"Besides, I don't want AIDS\""
[1000] "A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.â\200\230Nurseâ\200\231, he mumbles. â\200\230Are my testicles black?â\200\231 Nurse raise his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She take a close look and says â\200\230there nothing wrong with them sirâ\200\231. Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smile at her and says very slowly, â\200\230 Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully, â\200\230 are-my-tests-re-sults-back?â\200\231" 
Commentary
Perhaps some words are just funnier than others, but this word cloud seems to sugges that dialogue plays a key role in comedy.
This word cloud contains the top 200 most common words in the top ranked 1000 jokes in the dataset.
Comparing the words in this wordcloud with the top 1000 most common words in English published by ‘Go Natural English’, shows that in particular “one”, “back” & “like” appear more commonly in these jokes than may be expected for average English sentances (https://gonaturalenglish.com/1000-most-common-words-in-the-english-language/).
#7 Joke
A boy asked his dad to buy him $10 worth of bitcoin.
His dad replied, $9.67???
What do you need $10.32 for?
#8 Joke
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15.
She asks why the last one is so cheap?
“Because he used to live in a brothel”, says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says; “Squaalk, a new brothel!” and the woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says; “Squaalk, 2 new prozzies!”, and the girls laugh too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says; “Hi Pete, haven’t seen you for weeks!”
The Hard ‘K’ Sound in Comedy!
The Frequency of ‘K’
Top 10 Jokes (#5 & #6)
Commentary
In a study reported in the Guardian, Richard Wiseman (2007) reviewed 40,000 jokes and his findings supported the theory that hard ‘k’ sounds are considered funnier than other sounds. (https://www.theguardian.com/science/2007/apr/21/weekendmagazine)
This graph shows that the rule also held true for the Reddit data.
The data was divided into the 455,405 jokes that ranked from 1-5000 and the 5,078 jokes that ranked greater than 5,000
The graph shows a notable increase in the average count of the hard ‘k’ sounding phonemes;‘k’, ‘co’, ‘ca’, ‘cu’, ‘cr’, ‘cl’ & ‘qu’.
#5 Joke
This production shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry,
but it’s especially bad for men…
They’re losing $1 for every $0.79 women are losing
#6 Joke
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think “Baby it’s cold outside” is really weird,
and we’re gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time…
You see, it used to get cold outside.
The Length of Laughter
The Length of the Funniest Jokes
Top 10 Jokes (#3 & #4)
Commentary
The graph indicates a strong correlation between the jokes that ranked highly and those that were short.
The average length of all jokes submitted was 235 characters.
The average length of the top 15 ranked jokes was 204 characters.
#3 Joke
If I had a dollar for every post I’ve seen today about Net Neutrality…
I’d have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.
#4 Joke
If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans should storm the Vatican…
We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators.
Let’s have a Crack!
An Application of the Findings
Top 10 Jokes (#1 & #2)
Let’s test our findings in 209 characters, with K sounds and common words:
“Kane was liked so much that he was asked to come back to give just one more lecture on Data Science.” “He told the students ’there are two kinds of data scientists; those who can extrapolate from incomplete data…”
Commentary
A qualitative anaylsis of the data suggests that catering to the audience also plays a key part in comedy.
The number one joke in this Reddit dataset seems to support this theory:
#1 Reddit Joke
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
“Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.”
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
“Go to the mess hall start washing some dishes.”
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
“Go to the supply room and make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.”
The recruit obeys and heads off to the supply room.
There, he sees another crewman, moving some boxes.
“Hey there,” says the new recruit. “is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!”
The crewman says “Oh yeah- this sub is full of re-posts.”
#2 Joke
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum…
They’re the Tolkien white guys
References
Data.World 2022, ‘one million Reddit jokes’, Data World, viewed 17 April 2022, https://data.world/lexyr/one-million-reddit-jokes
Go Natural English 2022, ‘1000 Most Common Words in English’ Go Natural English, viewed 17 April 2022, < https://gonaturalenglish.com/1000-most-common-words-in-the-english-language/>
Richard Wiseman 2007, ‘The truth about lying and laughing’, The Guardian, viewed 17 April 2022, https://www.theguardian.com/science/2007/apr/21/weekendmagazine